- [Doug and Carrie are arguing about their parents]
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Don't you bring my father into this!
- Doug Heffernan: He's out of his mind! He cancelled our cable, because the cable company wouldn't pay him each time they ran the movie "Arthur"!
- Arthur Spooner: Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
- Arthur Spooner: You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
- Arthur Spooner: True enough. Mystery solved.
- [Doug answers the phone]
- Doug Heffernan: Hello... Mhm?... Oh, hold on a second, let me get him... Arthur! Phone!
- Arthur Spooner: Who is it?
- Doug Heffernan: It's Louis Di Robertis from some law firm.
- Arthur Spooner: Tell him to drop dead!
- Doug Heffernan: Okay, I am not going to tell him to drop dead.
- Arthur Spooner: Then tell him to go to hell!
- Doug Heffernan: Not telling him that either.
- Arthur Spooner: Then you go to hell!
- Doug Heffernan: You go to hell!
- Arthur Spooner: Drop dead!
- [Doug lifts up the phone]
- Doug Heffernan: Sorry, wrong number.
- [Arthur has put dirty dishes in the cupboard]
- Doug Heffernan: No big deal. We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash 'em. Okay, which of these did you already put away?
- Arthur Spooner: Let's see, I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl with big white and yellow sunflowers on it.
- Doug Heffernan: Okay, we don't own anything close to that.
- Arthur Spooner: Ah, Paris. I haven't been back there since we liberated her in '44. The City Of Lights knew peace once more. I also got the clap, but that's a another story for another time.
- Ray Barone: What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?
- Doug Heffernan: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, why have you been hanging around that school playground?
- Arthur Spooner: Business.
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Not selling those dumb ribbons, I hope.
- Arthur Spooner: Let's just say kids will be running home to their mommies to tell them about their encounter with the Ribbon Man.
- [Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins]
- Doug Heffernan: "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ass!
- Arthur Spooner: What's going on?
- Doug Heffernan: It's Carrie. The weirdest thing, every time we get together with our friends to play board games, she cheats.
- Arthur Spooner: She cheats? That little girl? That's impossible.
- Doug Heffernan: Arthur, I've seen her do it.
- Arthur Spooner: No, no. She may put some cotton in her bra from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games!
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Is this how you take a bath?
- Spence Olchin: Yes.
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street.
- Spence Olchin: What did I do to you?
- Doug Heffernan: I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!
- Arthur Spooner: Sure, Douglas, you're white hot. You rode the frog to the top, but lady luck can be a fickle whore.
- [Doug, Deacon and Arthur are going to babysit Major and spend some time together]
- Kelly Palmer: Okay, honey you are all set. Here is your "see and say"... Here is pinkys, whites, towels, diapers and buttcream.
- Arthur Spooner: Buttcream?, where is this day headin'?
- [Arthur looks at Doug]
- Doug Heffernan: Yeah, You wish!
- Arthur Spooner: Like I waste a wish on that, huh?
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
- Doug Heffernan: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, Doug and I were just thinking...
- Arthur Spooner: [to Doug] Well, I hope you didn't strain yourself. I kid out of love.
- Doug Heffernan: All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
- Arthur Spooner: It seems to have reached optimal temperature. Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter.
- Doug Heffernan: Let's see how the waffles go and see what happens.
- [Arthur is moving up to sleep in the room next to Carrie and Doug's bedroom]
- Arthur Spooner: Well, hello there, neighbour!
- Doug Heffernan: Hello. Why did he call me neighbour?
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: I'm moving him up here tonight, the basement was freezing.
- Doug Heffernan: How freezing?
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: What movie do you want to see?
- Kelly Palmer: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull?
- Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Oh, yeah... "Floaters".
- Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... whats your second name?
- Doug Heffernan: Steven. And yours?
- Deacon Palmer: John.
- Danny Heffernan: [while watching Football on a portable TV during Thanksgiving Dinner] Son Of An Ass!