Big Trouble (2002)
Tim Allen: Eliot Arnold
Photos
Quotes
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Eliot Arnold : Strip poker. Strip poker. Now, that's a good game.
[Grabs a squirt gun away from Matt]
Eliot Arnold : This is a stupid game.
Matt Arnold : Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.
Eliot Arnold : You could've been killed. And where's your partner in crime?
Matt Arnold : Andrew?
Jenny Herk : He ran the other way.
Eliot Arnold : Did anybody call the police?
Anna Herk : [off-screen] I'm making some coffee, you want some?
Eliot Arnold : I'll call the police.
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Matt Arnold : I hope they don't have a dog.
Eliot Arnold : [narrating] As it turns out, the Herks did have a dog. His name was Roger and he was the random result of generations of hasty, unplanned dog sex.
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Eliot Arnold : [voice over] Arthur Herk. One of the few Floridians who was *not* confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.
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Eliot Arnold : What *is* it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.
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Eliot Arnold : What does a guy like Arthur do for a living?
Anna Herk : He's an executive at Penultra Corporation.
Eliot Arnold : I did an article on them once. They built the jail downtown where the plumbing doesn't work. I called it, "Crapital Punishment."
Anna Herk : Eliot Arnold, from The Herald? I used to read your column! You were so funny. What happened?
Eliot Arnold : I lost my sense of humor in the divorce.
[Anna laughs]
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Eliot Arnold : How does a guy like Arthur end up with someone like you?
Anna Herk : I married him when Jenny was little. My first husband left us kind of early, and we had to move to this crappy little apartment, and I met Arthur. He was different then. I keep looking up divorce lawyers in the phone book, but then I think about that horrible apartment.
Eliot Arnold : It's unavailable. I live there.
[Anna laughs again]
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[Puggy lays down a heavy metal suitcase in the bar's stockroom]
John : Strong. Come back tomorrow one o'clock, maybe I have another job for you.
[Later that evening, Puggy is walking beside a posh house, sees a banyan tree and pitches camp in its canopy]
Eliot Arnold : [v.o] After only twenty-four hours in Miami, Puggy already had a more rewarding career and lived in a nicer neighborhood than I did.
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Eliot Arnold : Do you think someone's trying to kill your husband?
Anna Herk : God, I hope so!
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Eliot Arnold : I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.
Officer Walter Kramitz : If I don't see them, I don't write them.
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Arthur Herk : [to Eliot] Now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.
Eliot Arnold : Thanks for everything.
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Eliot Arnold : Let go of the suitcase!
Snake : The Kingpin will never let go of the Kingpin's suitcase!
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Snake : [on seeing Eddie out cold on the floor] Eddie... get up! Get up, you lazy shit!
Eliot Arnold : [confronting Snake] He's not lazy, he's unconscious.
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Matt Arnold : Dad, the goat kicked your Geo's ass.
Eliot Arnold : The car is a piece of shit, OK?
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Bruce : [about his ad] She should be bending over for maximum exposure.
Eliot Arnold : [thinks about it] Maximum exposure...
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Anna Herk : Listen, I'm sorry my husband's such an idiot.
Eliot Arnold : He's probably really upset because someone shot his TV.
Anna Herk : No, he's an idiot.
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Eliot Arnold : I say we blame the whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television.