- Officer Carl Levitt: Mail Call gentleman
- Officer Carl Levitt: I'm not expecting anything
- Officer Carl Levitt: 12th Precinct, Levitt... Unless it's an emergency, I'm afraid your going to have to call back later. No Detectives are available at the moment... No Ma'am, I'm a Uniformed Officer not a Detective... It mostly politics... Not what you know,but who you know... It's a sad State of Affairs,I agrees... It wouldn't hurt to write a letter... Bye-Bye... Afternoon,Sir... Your Mail
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thank You
- Officer Carl Levitt: Been here long?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Long enough
- Officer Carl Levitt: Good
- Inspector Frank Luger: Inspector Luger is back ,and the 12th precinct's got him. Aha Whose the buddy can you spare a dimer
- Det. Ron Harris: Inspector Luger, What a pleasant surprise
- Inspector Frank Luger: Same to you, Har?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Hey, I read your book
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah,I see the where old inspector popped up in there a couple of times, yeah
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, Right...
- Inspector Frank Luger: You know though Har, it seems to me I come off a couple of time as being a little weirdo.A bit of an oddball.
- Det. Ron Harris: Editorial License
- Inspector Frank Luger: Aha... Whose the buddy can you spare a dimer.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: What you got?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Corned beef.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: ...You know, corned beef has a high ratio of salt, in relation to protein content.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: ...Oh, yeah?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Animal fat is probably the leading contributor to heart disease. The number one killer in America, heart disease.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: ...So?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You gonna eat that other half?
- Inspector Frank Luger: They call it a career conference, Barney, like they're helping you with their career.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What did they say?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Ah, They gave me a lot of sweet talk about, Lueger, you have done a great job with the department, you're a credit to the force, All that kind of garbage.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's it.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Hmm? No. No. No.No. They want me to be all buttered up, then they stuck in the skewer.
- Inspector Frank Luger: What, uh, What did they say?
- Inspector Frank Luger: What else, "Lueger, take a hike"
- Capt. Barney Miller: They ask you to resign.
- Inspector Frank Luger: No, No, No, No , Barney. No, They gave me choice They said, "Frank, now, look... you can retire now as Inspector, but you're welcome to hang around, but if you do you will hanging around as Captain"
- Capt. Barney Miller: I see
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah, Yeah, They figure they can shame me into quitting, by busting me down to Captain.Lousy, stinking, Captain.
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's not the end of the world.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Oh! Listen, No Offense Barney, huh?, I mean, it's good enough for you
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh! Listen, No Offense Barney, huh?, I mean, it's good enough for you You think it came from upstairs. Maybe it's somebody trying to bluff you.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Could be. Could be. They tried to pull the same trick on Kleiner a few year back. They tried to squeeze him out too.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What happened?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Nothing,two weeks later, he was gunned down on 13th street. They dropped it after that.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That was a call from a bar over on Wall Street... got some hooker trying to solicit a law firm
- Capt. Barney Miller: Alright, check it out
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Miller..."Occupation on the Floss" - it's miller. "Mill on the Floss" was a George Eliot novel... Setting was a mill, so the occupation...
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh, yeah, yeah - I got it, Dietrich.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: ...Do you need any help with "blank google"?
- Det. Ron Harris: Mr Brewer said that some of his colleagues have been dropping out of sight and he suspects there maybe some foul play
- Ray Brewer: It was a nice neighborhood before the discos moved in
- Det. Ron Harris: I'm gonna go check it out.
- Capt. Barney Miller: We'll do the what we can, Mr. Brewer
- Ray Brewer: I'm seriously considering moving to the suburbs
- Capt. Barney Miller: Then you got the commute, you know, the yard, the raking of the leaves
- Laura Kiergo: Of course, I have to find out about their genetic background. I have to make sure there is not history of insanity or disease
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That must really get'em in the mood
- Laura Kiergo: My child is entitled to the best father that I can find
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I need your address?
- Laura Kiergo: 734 West 23rd street
- Laura Kiergo: I'm not just looking for someone whose genetically acceptable. I'm also looking for someone with a degree of compassion, sensitivity, and perceptiveness. I think those things are passed along too.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, but it seems to me that going up to a bunch of guys is not a good way of finding someone like that.
- Laura Kiergo: Your very perceptive
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I just got lucky.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Listen, I'm really sorry about this.
- Laura Kiergo: Oh look, it's not your fault. I mean, If I broke the law, your going to have to arrest me
- Det. Ron Harris: What's that about?
- Capt. Barney Miller: You tell me.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Cap, this is Miss Laura Kirgo... Solicitation, Trespassing, Disorderly Conduct... Don't go by that.
- Det. Ron Harris: Huh?
- Capt. Barney Miller: See, she sort of caused a riot in the bar. According to the bartender, she would come on to a guy, get him all interested, and then drop him and go on to another guy.
- Laura Kiergo: See, no one was right... My standards... they're exceptionally high.
- Det. Ron Harris: Very commendable!
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: She wasn't really soliciting, I mean for money.
- Laura Kiergo: I was just looking for a suitable volunteer.
- Det. Ron Harris: For what?
- Laura Kiergo: Father my child?
- Det. Ron Harris: I see...
- Capt. Barney Miller: You do.
- Laura Kiergo: I want to have a baby. It's just I am not particularly interested in having a husband.
- Det. Ron Harris: Doesn't that come with the territory?
- Det. Ron Harris: Who's pressing charges?
- Capt. Barney Miller: The owner. He's the only one she didn't ask.
- Laura Kiergo: I mean, I am not asking for a lifetime commitment. All I want is just a few hours with a healthy reasonably intelligent man.
- Ray Brewer: I'm Ray.
- Det. Ron Harris: Wojo, you want to take care of Miss Kirgo ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'll book her.
- Det. Ron Harris: That's what I had in mind, yes.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Have a seat.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You know, actually, more and more women are opting for single motherhood - whether through artificial insemination or Miss Kirgo's method. It satisfies the maternal instinct, and also allows them to maintain an individual lifestyle.
- Det. Ron Harris: You want to know what I think? I think the family unit is falling apart fast enough without behavior like that to give it a shove!
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I guess that eliminates you.