Soap (TV Series)

Episode #3.12 (1980)

Katherine Helmond: Jessica Tate

Quotes 

• Jessica : I feel kind of funny discussing out marital problems with a minister.

  Chester : I feel funny discussing it with anybody.

  Jessica : Of course, it would be worse if it were a priest. Well, it would be like discussing a film with a blind man. A rabbi would be nice, they seem very wise. But I suppose you have to be Jewish. I wonder which religion does the biggest business in this sort of thing.

• Jessica : How do you keep your marriage trouble-free?

  Minister : Divorce. Married sixteen years, my wife decided we had to have new carpeting in the family room. The guy came to lay the carpet, probably got a little confused about what he was there to lay. Left me with four rolls of Bigelow shag and took off with my wife.

  Jessica : How awful.

  Minister : Might have been an Indian.

• [on Chester's chronic infidelity] 

  Minister : I see this sort of problem a lot. It seems to be going around. I think part of the reason is that there are no more Indians.

  Chester : I beg your pardon?

  Minister : You see, in the olden days, we had Indians to worry about. Where were the Indians? Were the Indians surrounding us? Were the Indians angry Indians? Did the Indians want our horses? Nobody fooled around because you couldn't relax long enough. Now, we've got no more Indians.

  Jessica : I see.

  Minister : The best marriages were in the Apache territory, because those were the worst Indians. Hostiles without, no hostility within. We have a lot to thank the Indians for: happy marriages, nice beadwork.

  Jessica : What do we do now that there are no more Indians?

  Minister : Aggravate some other group, maybe.