- [the Tates are discussing how to rescue Billy from a cult when a suddenly lucid Major demands the floor]
- The Major: Now I know sometimes you don't like to listen to me and sometimes, I can understand why, but you must all listen to me now.
- Chester: Major...
- The Major: Shut up.
- [opens a box of medals]
- The Major: Now look here: this is the Silver Star, it was presented to me by Gen. Patton. This is a Bronze Star, I earned two of them. And this is the Purple Heart, Harry Truman pinned that on me himself. Now, I know you think I'm a foolish old man and sometimes I am, but that's my grandson in there. I got all these because I was a good soldier, I still am. I can get him out, I can do it! So you all had better listen to this old fool. Because that's our little boy.
- Jessica: All right daddy, we're listening.
- Chester: Go ahead, sir. Tell us your plan.
- The Major: What plan?
- [Burt has been abducted by aliens and bound in an examination room]
- Burt: Stay calm. Stay calm. Just think... stay calm here. I'll just analyze the situation. One of three things is going on here. Either I'm dreaming I'm on a spaceship, or... I'm on a spaceship, or I'm crazy.
- [laughs]
- Burt: I'm dreaming!
- [laughs]
- Burt: I'm in a dream. This is what happens when you eat pizza in bed.
- [laughs]
- Burt: It's time to wake up, though. Wake up, Burt!
- [Aliens enter the room, talking amongst themselves]
- Burt: Burt. Burt! Hey, Burt! Wake up, Burt! Burt! Come on, rise and shine, Burt!
- [Burt looks over at the aliens nervously]
- Burt: Crazy's looking good here.
- Chester: I want to thank you personally for convincing us to listen to the major.
- Benson DuBois: Hey, he said he had a plan. I didn't know he was gonna form a basketball team.
- Detective Donahue: You're a man short.
- Chester: You're a man, short!
- Detective Donahue: You're a man, fat!
- Mrs. David: There's no such thing as a girl homo
- Alice: Yes there is.
- Mrs. David: A girl homo? What do they call em, homettes?