- Paradox: Mr Wilson, you appear to have soiled yourself while unconscious.
- Wade Wilson: I wasn't unconscious.
- Blind Al: Wanna do some cocaine?
- Wade Wilson: Hey! Cocaine is the one thing that Feige said is off limits.
- Blind Al: What about Bolivian marching powder?
- Wade Wilson: They know all the slang terms. They have a list.
- Blind Al: Even snowboarding?
- Wade Wilson: Even disco dust.
- Blind Al: White Girl, Interrupted?
- Wade Wilson: Even Forrest Bump.
- Blind Al: Do you want to build a snowman?
- Wade Wilson: Yes! But I can't!
- Wade Wilson: [sees the TVA time sticks] Is that supposed to be scary? Pegging isn't new for me, friendo. But it is for Disney.
- Barman: I told you, you're not welcome here. You're not welcome anywhere. Now get the fuck out of my bar.
- Logan: Just give me one more drink, and then I'll leave.
- Deadpool: Hi, Peanut. I'm gonna need you to come with me right now.
- Logan: Look, lady, I'm not interested.
- Deadpool: All right. Well, I'm sort of on the tick-tick, so upsy-daisy, here we go.
- [Deadpool lifts Logan off his stool]
- Logan: Whoa! Hey, hey!
- [Logan draws his claws, but they move slowly]
- Deadpool: Oh. Whiskey dick of the claws. It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.
- Logan: You don't want this.
- [Deadpool pulls out a pistol and points it at Logan's forehead]
- Deadpool: Unless you want to take a deep breath through your fucking forehead, I suggest you reconsider.
- [Logan laughs and places his forehead against the gun]
- [at the diner]
- Logan: Mind putting your mask back on?
- Wade Wilson: Super hard to eat while I'm wearing it.
- Logan: It's super hard to eat when you're not.
- [as Deadpool and Wolverine start to fight, they hear a cellphone ring]
- Wolverine: [to the viewer] Hey, bub! You're in a movie theater, not the ****ing-off room in your mom's nursing home! So, turn your phone to ****ing silent or I'll shove your phone so far up your *** you'll have to answer it through your ****ing ****!
- Deadpool: No no no no no! Easy now! So much testosterone! God, when you yell like that, it makes my **** vibrate.
- Deadpool: [to the viewer] Listen... just, turn your phones off, or put them on silent, whatever you prefer. I'm gonna take his neck veins for a walk now. Enjoy the film.
- [Wolverine walks off, Deadpool follows him]
- Deadpool: Nice fourth-wall break back there! I didn't think you had it in you!
- Wolverine: Shut your ****ing mouth!
- Deadpool: No no no no no, they do not like that word in America, or Canada, or the Netherlands...
- Deadpool: Look, eventually you're gonna hang up the claws. And it's gonna make a lot of people very sad. But one day, your old pal Wade's gonna ask you to get back in the saddle again. And when he does, say yes.