- Maj. Amos Dundee: Name?
- Rev. Dahlstrom: Dahlstrom. Any man who has a just cause should travel with the word of God.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: With all due respect, God has nothing to do with it. I intend to smite the wicked, not save the Heathen.
- Rev. Dahlstrom: Seventeen years ago I married John and Mary Rostes. Those who destroyeth my flock, shall so be destroyed.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: [smiles] Reverend.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: By midnight tonight I want every man in this command drunker than a fiddler's bitch.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: I have only three commands. When I signal you to come, you come. When I signal you to charge, you charge. And when I signal you to run - you follow me and run like *hell*!
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [addressing his troops] We will serve under Major Dundee's command. And until that time, any disrespect you show the Major will be taken as a personal insult by *me*.
- Jimmy Lee Benteen: Don't you worry none, Uncle Ben, when the time comes, we'll turpentine that cauky, chicken-pickin' Yankee...
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [completely deadpan] I am *not* your uncle, you redneck peckerwood. And if you say one more word, you'll spend the rest of this campaign in *chains*.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: How many men do you need?
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Twenty. Good ones.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Until the Apache is taken or destroyed - only that?
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Agreed.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: If it's... too rich for you... hang us now, and be done with it.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: I might just hang you and that Injun from the same tree, Ben.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: You'll play hell getting it done, Amos!
- Samuel Potts: [after seeing the remans of Lieutenant Bannon who was tortured over a slow fire] Bannon was a soldier, Amos. It goes with the pretty girls and the pension.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Sam...
- Samuel Potts: Yeah?
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Don't get yourself killed... That would inconvenience me.
- Aesop: [observing the French troops] My outfit could lick those boys - those ones on foot, anyway. With one hand tied behind our backs.
- O.W. Hadley: How's that, Aesop?
- Aesop: They're soft, O.W. - they ain't never been South.
- Tim Ryan: [observing the body of Sierra Charriba] He looks so small, now.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: He was big enough, son.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Captain Tyreen, is the prospect of serving under your country's flag once again seem more attractive than dragging its chains in this prison?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: It is not my country, Major Dundee. I damn its flag and I damn you! And I would rather *hang* - than serve!
- [the Confederate prisoners begin whistling "Dixie" and rattling their chains, creating a loud racket]
- Sgt. Gomez: [to Dundee] Corporal Veitch just died, sir.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: [shouts] Then hang you will!
- [noise dies down]
- Maj. Amos Dundee: You and your four good friends, you're going to stand trial on a charge of murder. That guard you clubbed just died.
- [first lines]
- Opening Narrator: In the territory of New Mexico towards the end of the Civil War, an Indian, Sierra Charriba, and his Apache warriors raided, sacked and looted an area almost three times the size of Texas.
- [Major Dundee and his staff find Lieutenant Bannon tortured over a slow fire]
- Maj. Amos Dundee: I hope he was dead when they did that to him.
- Sgt. Gomez: If he was dead, they wouldn't have bothered.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: You thieves, renegades, deserters, you gentlemen of the South. I want some volunteers. I want volunteers to fight the Apache Sierra Charriba. I need horse soldiers - men who can ride, men who can shoot. In return, I promise you nothing... saddle sores, short rations, maybe a bullet in your belly... and free air to breathe, fair share of tobacco, quarter pay... and my good will and best offices for pardons and paroles when I get back.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: What are you trying to say, Frank? Come on, speak up. Spit it out.
- Capt. Frank Waller: I'm not trying to say the massacre was your fault. I am trying to say that you should recognize your transfer to this post was a disciplinary action, pure and simple... and if you try to fight your own war again - like you did at Gettysburg - they'll break you.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Move 'em out.
- Jimmy Lee Benteen: Which way, Captain?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: To Mexico, you bloody idiot!
- O.W. Hadley: [as he is about to be executed as a deserter] Aw, hell, Major, you're just doin' what you gots to do! But goddamn your soul for it anyway, and God bless Robert E. Lee!
- [Tyreen shoots him in the back of the head]
- Wiley: If you're lookin' for hard-ridin', Injun-fightin' whiskey drinkin' mulepackers, then by *God* you've got one!
- Maj. Amos Dundee: What in the hell am I supposed to do with you?
- Sgt. Gomez: He's the biggest drunk, but the best mule packer in the Territory, sir.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: What's your name?
- Wiley: Wiley.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: All right, Wiley. Make your mark.
- Wiley: Whiskey?
- Maj. Amos Dundee: All you can drink...
- [Wiley signs the contract]
- Maj. Amos Dundee: ...when you've earned it. Sergeant, take him to a cell and dry him out.
- [Sergeant Gomez escorts Wiley out of the room]
- Wiley: Well! I ain't never seen anything like this before!
- O.W. Hadley: [Hadley is to be executed for desertion] You gonna let them shoot me, sir?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: I'm obliged to, son. You should've remembered you belong to the Major, and not to me.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: If I ever do get out of here, the war won't last forever.
- Teresa Santiago: It will for you, Major.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: I drink, Ben. Did you know that? That is the secret of my great success. I drink.
- [looks at an unattractive smiling young woman]
- Maj. Amos Dundee: But, I don't drink enough.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Major, I shall see you in Texas!
- Maj. Amos Dundee: You're damn right you will! Bugler!
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: You are either - a $70, red-wool, pure-quill military genius - or the biggest damn fool in northern Mexico.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: No question of it.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Don't you ever have any doubts about who you are?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: I've been three men already, Amos. That's enough for one lifetime.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Irish immigrant...
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Cashiered American officer.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: And Confederate renegade. I don't like any of 'em.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Well, now, isn't that a coincidence.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: You surveyed this whole area with Grant in '47, didn't you?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Yes, the tequila was excellent.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: [after the Apache ambush] How did they know?
- Samuel Potts: They're Apache.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: [on Riago] And just what in hell is he?
- Riago: I am tame Apache. A camp dog. Christian Indian. Charriba, is Apache.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Sam, you take this "camp dog" and go find me Charriba.
- Samuel Potts: That's what you pay us for, Amos.
- Tim Ryan: [as he's being operated on] DAMN IT TO BLOODY CONFEDERATE HELL!
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: WHAT?
- Tim Ryan: Sorry.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: He's alright, Reverend. He'll live forever and have a hundred children. But if you find that you have a weakness for being shot in that vicinity, I suggest you wear an iron plate in your pants.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Mr. Aesop, I am... we would like to complement you and your men on the way you handled the river crossing this afternoon.
- Aesop: Thank you, sir.
- Aesop: Sir. I'd like to volunteer, sir. Me and my six coloreds.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: I haven't asked for volunteers from the command.
- Aesop: We're the ones doing the asking, sir.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Why?
- Aesop: To fight, sir. We've been standing guard and cleaning stables for nearly two years.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Tomorrow, you ask the officer of the day to see me - you and your six coloreds.
- Aesop: [salutes Dundee] Thank you, sir.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Why don't you get two of your best men to help Sergeant Gomez take those children back to Fort Benlin?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [chuckles slightly] We'll still outnumber you, Amos!
- Maj. Amos Dundee: You surely will, Ben. Now go do as you're told.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Yes, sir.
- [brief pause]
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: But only until the Apache is taken or destroyed.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Mr. Potts.
- Samuel Potts: Major?
- Maj. Amos Dundee: I'm a long way from Gettysburg. Any suggestions?
- Samuel Potts: Yeah. Let's, uh, go have a look... slow and easy.
- Sgt. Gomez: Benjamin Priam, sir.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: What do you do, Mr. Priam?
- Benjamin Priam: [mumbles unintelligibly]
- Maj. Amos Dundee: What did you say?
- Benjamin Priam: [mumbles]
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Speak up! I can't hear you!
- Benjamin Priam: [screaming] I'm a horse thief!
- Maj. Amos Dundee: [smirks] Are you a *good* horse thief?
- Benjamin Priam: Yes, sir. The best there *is*, sir!
- Arthur Hadley: [Arthur and a few others are bathing in a spring] Come on in, O.W.!
- O.W. Hadley: I already took my bath!
- Sgt. Gomez: [as the survivor's command emerges from the river] All present and accounted for, sir.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Lieutenant Graham.
- Lt. Graham: Yes, sir?
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Column of twos.
- Lt. Graham: Column of twos!
- Maj. Amos Dundee: [to Ryan] Play us a tune, son.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [as Graham's artillery fires during the rescue of Dundee] Aha! Lieutenant Graham will be a General before he's thirty!
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Captain, give my regards to General Carleton.
- Capt. Frank Waller: I hope that you're to have that pleasure yourself within the next week, Major. If not - good luck.
- Sgt. Gomez: [after Dahlstrom gets into a fight with Benteen, the Confederate soldiers stand up with knives drawn] You Southern trash, sit down!
- Sgt. Chillum: [stands up] Was you talkin' to me, Sergeant? Well, maybe you dunno know it, but you're a-fixin' to be tried!
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [trying to restrain his men] I said will shall serve under this command and we will serve! But only until the Apache is destroyed. And then, Amos - and then, I'm going to kill you!
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Are you, Ben?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Yes. Yes, Amos.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: You're getting leave, Major. And it's time you did. And in fact you'd ought to give up soldiering altogether. You were trapped at the river, ambushed like a shavetail! You caused that boy's death, you split your command. And just what are you doing outside your picket line? Are you trying to seek refuge in the arms of a woman - a woman, I might add, of rather doubtful virtue? Just what in the bloody hell are you doing here in the first place, Amos?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: "Awake! for Morning in the Bowl of Night, Has cast the Stone that puts the Stars to Flight"
- Maj. Amos Dundee: What are you doing here?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: I've come to rescue you. We spent all night looking for you.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Why?
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: So I can kill you myself.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Makes sense.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: Lieutenant Graham?
- Lt. Graham: Yes, sir.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: I gave you a specific order, and you failed to carry it out.
- Lt. Graham: No, sir, you gave me a command. I gave the orders from then on.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: You sure did, Lieutenant. Have a cigar.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [the command comes across a troop of French cavalry] Congratulations, Major. It seems like you've found yourself a real war after all.
- Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [to Dundee] I have orders, appropriate to your character. I have to take you out the back door.
- [punches Dundee]
- Samuel Potts: I am Samuel Potts, I bring complements of Major Amos Dundee, regular, United States cavalry. You have five minutes to surrender your troops and your stores before he cuts loose.
- Capt. Jacques Tremaine: [putting on his dress coat as he speaks] He would not dare. This is a horrendous violation of international law, and an unprovoked confrontation with a friendly power...
- Samuel Potts: Sonny, the Major ain't no lawyer. And you've now got *four* minutes.
- Maj. Amos Dundee: [Aguilar is operating on Dundee's wound] If you're thinking about cutting off that leg, Doctor - don't.
- [pulls out revolver]
- Dr. Aguilar: I am only concerned about the loss of blood... though much of it is alcohol.
- Wiley: [during the fight between Dahlstrom and Benteen] Boy, you sure do kick up a lot of dust with your sermon, Reverend!
- Maj. Amos Dundee: [after a battle, Dundee comes across Wiley, bleeding from a head wound] Wiley, are you hit?
- Wiley: No, sir. My damned mule kicked me.