I Heart Huckabees (2004)
Jason Schwartzman: Albert Markovski
Photos
Quotes
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Vivian Jaffe : Have you ever transcended space and time?
Albert Markovski : Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about.
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Albert Markovski : No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.
Bret : What happens in the meadow at dusk?
Albert Markovski : Everything!
Mrs. Hooten : Nothing!
Albert Markovski : Everything.
Mrs. Hooten : Nothing!
Albert Markovski : Everything!
Mrs. Hooten : Nothing!
Albert Markovski : It's beautiful.
Tommy Corn : It's beautiful.
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Albert Markovski : Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.
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[first lines]
Albert Markovski : [Blurry shot of tree]
[Albert's thoughts are voiced aloud to us, but not the audience on camera]
Albert Markovski : Mother-fucking, cocksucker, mother-fucking, shit-fucker, what am I doing?
[Albert walks out from behind tree, towards camera. As he gets closer to the camera the scene comes into focus]
Albert Markovski : What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't than nothing in this world makes any sense to me; I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit. Just, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Fucker. Fuck. Shit.
[Albert stops walking and begins speech about saving a piece of the marsh]
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Tommy Corn : Ah, here he comes!
Albert Markovski : Oh, boy.
Tommy Corn : The man-poet who banged France's dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth... who turned his back on his other like a cold-blooded gangsta.
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Albert Markovski : We're not in infinity; we're in the suburbs.
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[last lines]
Tommy Corn : What are you doing tomorrow?
Albert Markovski : I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?
Tommy Corn : What time?
Albert Markovski : Mmm, 1, 1:30.
Tommy Corn : Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?
Albert Markovski : We always do.
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Albert Markovski : The interconnection thing is definitely for real.
Tommy Corn : It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!
Albert Markovski : I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!
Tommy Corn : It's amazing!
Albert Markovski : I know.
Tommy Corn : But it's also nothing special.
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Mrs. Hooten : Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?
Albert Markovski : You mean the existential detectives?
Mr. Hooten : Sounds like a support group.
Cricket : Why can't he use the church?
Mrs. Hooten : Sometimes, people have additional questions to be answered.
Cricket : Like what?
Albert Markovski : Well, um, for instance: if the forms of this world die, which is more real, the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind, or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?
Mr. Hooten : Sounds like we got a philosopher.
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Albert Markovski : Brad, I've thought about chopping your head off with a machete many times.
Brad Stand : I've though about hacking you up with an axe Albert, and smashing your face in with a baseball bat.
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Albert Markovski : [about the body bag exercise] I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete!
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Mr. Hooten : What happened to the cat, Albert?
Albert Markovski : How'd you know about my cat?
Mr. Hooten : The cat was killed by curiosity.
Albert Markovski : Oh, right, that cat.
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Albert Markovski : Everything is the same, even if it's different.
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Bernard Jaffe : [points to zipper bag] All right, get in.
Albert Markovski : You want me to get in?
Bernard Jaffe : Mm-hm.
Albert Markovski : So get in here?
Bernard Jaffe : Yeah.
Albert Markovski : What's gonna happen to me in there?
Bernard Jaffe : You're gonna see.
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Vivian Jaffe : Why don't you just tell me what your situation is?
Albert Markovski : Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right?
Vivian Jaffe : Well, we'll investigate and solve your case.
Albert Markovski : How?
Vivian Jaffe : If you start a contact we'll follow you.
Albert Markovski : You'll spy?
Vivian Jaffe : Yes.
Albert Markovski : On me?
Vivian Jaffe : Yes.
Albert Markovski : Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?
Vivian Jaffe : Yes.
Albert Markovski : In the bathroom?
Vivian Jaffe : Yes.
Albert Markovski : Why?
Vivian Jaffe : There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key till your entire reality.
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[running away from Vivian and Bernard]
Tommy Corn : I want my money back!
Albert Markovski : Yeah, and if I weren't pro bono, I'd want MY money back!
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[first lines]
Albert Markovski : Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!
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Bernard Jaffe : At the photo archive, you spent a lot of time Iooking at old Jessica Lange bathing suit stills, why?
Albert Markovski : That's only because Lange comes before Markovski. I was putting my head shots under Markovski, and then "L" is right before it. I might've looked at a little bit of Lange on the way out. What's the big deal?
Bernard Jaffe : Albert, baby, come on.
Albert Markovski : What, is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?
Vivian Jaffe : Have you ever been in love?
Albert Markovski : What kind of question is that?
Vivian Jaffe : Do you even believe in love?
Bernard Jaffe : Or, do you only have fantasy relationships because anything else would be too painful?
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[last lines]
Tommy Corn : [Albert and Tommy sitting on marsh rock] What are you doing tomorrow?
Albert Markovski : I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?
Tommy Corn : What time?
Albert Markovski : Mm, one, one-thirty.
Tommy Corn : Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?
Albert Markovski : We always do.
[Scene goes blurry. Tommy hits Albert in the face with the big orange ball and then hits himself in the face with it]
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Albert Markovski : [to Vivian Jaffe] I can't believe you guys actually exist.
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Albert Markovski : That's bullshit because he doesn't care about things like this, where's the African guy, bring me the African guy, where's the African guy?
Brad Stand : Dude, what're you talking about?
Albert Markovski : Why does he get to write poetry? There's no Gazelles in North America Brad, just so you know, and the building squashing nature is my imagery, not yours, you don't write poetry
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Albert Markovski : That fire was a bitch-ass thing to do!
Caterine Vauban : No, it liberated you from Brad.
Albert Markovski : Or maybe, it bonded me even closer with him.
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Albert Markovski : No manure... no magic.
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Vivian Jaffe : You live all the time with things you can't see. You can't see electricity, can you? You can't see radio waves, but you accept them.
Bernard Jaffe : Trust.
Albert Markovski : Fuck trust!
Bernard Jaffe : You better stay away from Caterine, Albert, 'cause she's gonna lead you down the path of darkness.
Vivian Jaffe : She was our prize graduate student until she went astray.
Albert Markovski : No, I think that I am going to stay with her, and the cracks and the pain and the nothingness, because THAT's more real to me, THAT's what I feel.
Tommy Corn : Word.
Bernard Jaffe : Okay, we're not sweatin' it.
Vivian Jaffe : No, we're gonna work with Brad.
Bernard Jaffe : It'll all come back to you and interconnection.
Albert Markovski : Brad? Are you kidding me? I'm gonna work on that prick and it's all gonna come to pain and no connection!
Bernard Jaffe : No.
Tommy Corn : It's on.
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Albert Markovski : Whoa, what's going on in there?
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Brad Stand : I hope this isn't about Dawn. You know, he has a crush on my girlfriend.
Albert Markovski : That's crazy!
Brad Stand : Then why do you stare at her?
Albert Markovski : She's a model!
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Albert Markovski : Corporate prick bastard. Oh, motherfucking dickhead. Betrayed.
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Caterine Vauban : Betrayal embodies the universal truth you seek.
Albert Markovski : What truth?
Caterine Vauban : Cruelty, manipulation, meaninglessness.
Albert Markovski : Yeah.
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Brad Stand : Conflict is an illusion.
Albert Markovski : Shut up, Brad.
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Albert Markovski : Cocksucker! Motherfucking bitch ass motherfucking cocksucker! You're all a bunch of big babies!
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Tommy Corn : This is the place to be. Once you realize the universe sucks, you got nothing to lose. That's what gives you la force.
Albert Markovski : The force?
Tommy Corn : La force. It's French for strength.
Caterine Vauban : La force.
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Albert Markovski : So, how's your poetry job?
Mrs. Silver : I got fired from it.
Albert Markovski : Oh, couldn't even hold down a poetry job.
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Albert Markovski : It grows from the manure of human trouble. You see, the detectives, they just wanted to gloss right over that. But in fact, no manure, no magic.