Worst Remakes since 2000
There are few remakes especially in the past few years that have a positive consensus let alone improve upon their inspiration. Most are coasting on brand recognition. Here is a list confined to the years since 2000 to establish the growing trend which has audiences rolling their eyes.
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- DirectorMarcus NispelStarsJason MomoaRon PerlmanRose McGowanA vengeful barbarian warrior sets off to get his revenge on the evil warlord who attacked his village and murdered his father when he was a boy.This movie was made after Arnie was preoccupied as Governor. The remake route was the wrong choice. Should have held out for King Conan to show Arnie's/Conan's days on the throne and having matured. Loses the scope and moment of the Millius version, as well as its transitions and focus. Some claim this is closer to the comic lore. But that's not why it was made.
- DirectorCraig GillespieStarsAnton YelchinColin FarrellDavid Tennant"Fright Night" - A new neighbor moves in next to Charley, who discovers that he is an ancient vampire who preys on the community. Can he save his neighborhood from the creature with the help of the famous "vampire killer", Peter Vincent?The original is pure cheese but also somewhat sincere and engaging. Roddy McDowell and Chris Sarandon were such a big part of it that a mere cameo by Sarandon as a generic victim only symbolizes this movie trying to suck the life out of a good 80's flick. Not that I have anything against Russell Brand as the TV host/vampire hunter, except that he is funny without being a mystery.
- DirectorJason WinerStarsRussell BrandHelen MirrenJennifer GarnerA drunken playboy stands to lose a wealthy inheritance when he falls for a woman his family doesn't like.Russell Brand may be a funnier human being than Dudley Moore and maybe there was never anything funny about a drunk-driving rich guy, but despite the idea of Hellen Mirren as the butler, which works on its own, the movie falls flat. There was a chemistry that can't be duplicated from the inexplicably charming original.
- DirectorCraig BrewerStarsKenny WormaldJulianne HoughDennis QuaidCity teenager Ren MacCormack moves to a small town where rock music and dancing have been banned, and his rebellious spirit shakes up the populace.As much as I like Brewer the director of this remake, it is not adding much of anything and is a step backwards. His two previous films were outstanding and maybe he needed to make a buck. But the 1984 Kevin bacon movie still holds up despite the presence of cassettes.
- DirectorEthan CoenJoel CoenStarsTom HanksMarlon WayansIrma P. HallAn eccentric, if not charming Southern professor and his crew pose as a classical ensemble in order to rob a casino, all under the nose of his unsuspecting but sharp old landlady.Even the Cohen brothers can't get it right every time. The original Alec Guinness movie about a con artist had its day and may or may not hold up for everyone, but this is still done as a period piece and feels too arcane for the casting of excellent everyman Tom Hanks.
- DirectorSteve PinkStarsKevin HartMichael EalyRegina HallFollow two couples as they journey from the bar to the bedroom and are eventually put to the test in the real world.This is a remake of the David Mamet play Sexual Perversity on Chicago previously filmed as About Last Night... with James Belushi. This time with a colour swap in the cast. Should be a good idea and should be fair game since the original didn't set the world on fire and Mamet's name is still on it. Not the worst, but not necessarily improving on the first.
- DirectorAndrew DouglasStarsRyan ReynoldsMelissa GeorgeJimmy BennettNewlyweds are terrorized by demonic forces after moving into a large house that was the site of a grisly mass murder a year before.This is a tricky inclusion, because it does play like an essay on the original and a comment on the times. If you have recently seen the James Brolin, Margot Kidder, Rod Steiger, Helen Shaver original especially at night with the lights off you are sufficiently creeped out. Things try to skew more positive and there is not as much sense of discovery with the remake.
- DirectorWill GluckStarsQuvenzhané WallisCameron DiazJamie FoxxA foster kid who lives with her mean foster mom sees her life change when business tycoon and New York City mayoral candidate Will Stacks makes a thinly-veiled campaign move and takes her in.Taking Li'l Orphan Annie out of the 1930's is the problem, since it is at its core a Depression-Era idea with the same era's tone of seeking something better. The original film of this musical with Carol Burnett and Albert Finney - for good or ill - was pretty much what it should be and honoured that world. I can see the idea of making Annie and her guardian (the renamed version of Daddy Warbucks played by Jamie Foxx) black and then in turn adding rap and keeping it modern. . . except that all of those elements clash. The only fusion of rap and Annie so far was 2002's Austen Powers in Goldmember who managed a "Hard Knock Life" rap written by Mike Meyer's then-wife. This version doesn't offer much competition despite the efforts involved.
- DirectorJohn GrayStarsMekhi PhiferSean MaherPaula CaleThe story of professional football players Gale Sayers and Brian Piccolo, and how their friendship on and off the field was affected when Piccolo contracted a fatal disease.The original adaptation of Brian Piccolo starring a young James Caan and Billy Dee Williams without a moustache made some of us tear up when we had to watch it in high school. That should still be the go-to version.
- DirectorKimberly PeirceStarsChloë Grace MoretzJulianne MooreGabriella WildeA shy girl, outcast by her peers and sheltered by her religious mother, unleashes telekinetic terror on her small town after being pushed too far at her senior prom.I was cheering for the director of this movie, who at least got a financial hit from it. Hopefully she will do other things. But this will not supplant the Brian DePalma version.
- DirectorBreck EisnerStarsRadha MitchellTimothy OlyphantDanielle PanabakerAfter a strange and insecure plane crash, an unusual toxic virus enters a quaint farming town. A young couple are quarantined, but they fight for survival along with help from a couple of people.Not the George A. Romero version.
- DirectorScott DerricksonStarsKeanu ReevesJennifer ConnellyKathy BatesA remake of the 1951 classic science fiction film about an alien visitor and his giant robot counterpart who visit Earth.This movie was well hated. It makes you appreciate the original for its restraint and simplicity.
- DirectorPaul W.S. AndersonStarsJason StathamJoan AllenTyrese GibsonEx-con Jensen Ames is forced by the warden of a notorious prison to compete in our post-industrial world's most popular sport: a car race in which inmates must brutalize and kill one another on the road to victory.Death Race 2000 obviously needed a name change, and it's not going to be confused with the Roger Corman film that has Carradine and Stallone in it. Still part of the exhausting run of remakes thrown at us that make people groan at the trailer.
- DirectorShana FesteStarsGabriella WildeAlex PettyferBruce GreenwoodThe story of a privileged girl and a charismatic boy whose instant desire sparks a love affair made only more reckless by parents trying to keep them apart.Didn't care about the original but some people must have because it had a brand to be exploited.
- DirectorFede AlvarezStarsJane LevyShiloh FernandezJessica LucasFive friends head to a remote cabin, where the discovery of a Book of the Dead leads them to unwittingly summon up demons living in the nearby woods.Loses the charm and invention of the Sam Raimi presentation style (also known as directing).
- DirectorJosh TrankStarsMiles TellerKate MaraMichael B. JordanFour young outsiders teleport to an alternate and dangerous universe which alters their physical form in shocking ways. The four must learn to harness their new abilities and work together to save Earth from a former friend turned enemy.Ten years after the wrong person directed a Fantastic Four movie, another wrong person was hired for a remake.... but I will say that as reviled as this movie has been it is fine on DVD and it does not suggest that Josh Trank is crazy. It is not a handheld mess. The scenes follow each other in a reasonable fashion. But apparently he was not communicative and audiences thought it was too self-serious.
- DirectorRupert WainwrightStarsTom WellingMaggie GraceSelma BlairA thick mist full of vengeful spirits haunts a prosperous island town off the coast of Oregon, as its inhabitants try to learn their town's dark secret in order to stop it.Not the John Carpenter version, and therefore not worth looking at. Not that the original was anywhere near his best.
- DirectorStephen KayStarsSylvester StalloneRachael Leigh CookMiranda RichardsonA Las Vegas mob enforcer travels back to his hometown to investigate his brother's mysterious death.At least they got Michael Caine to appear in this. But you are better off watching the original by Mike Hodges the esteemed director of Flash Gordon (1980).
- DirectorKevin Rodney SullivanStarsAshton KutcherBernie MacZoe SaldanaA young woman, Theresa, brings her boyfriend, Simon, home to meet her parents and surprise them with the news of their engagement. Another surprise: Simon is white.It's a race-swap movie where instead of Sydney Poitier coming to dinner with an uptight white family, what you get is a disposal white boy flavour of the month.
- DirectorDave MeyersStarsSean BeanSophia BushZachary KnightonA couple from college get caught in a dangerous game of cat and mouse with a psychopathic hitchhiker and the police after witnessing a murder and being framed.I hated the ending of the original, which I am willing to spoil upon request. It left such a sour taste in my mouth I have no reason to see the remake and a lot of other people also had no reason to see it.
- DirectorJaume Collet-SerraStarsChad Michael MurrayParis HiltonElisha CuthbertA group of teens are unwittingly stranded near a strange wax museum and soon must fight to survive and keep from becoming the next exhibit.Paris Hilton pulls off some realistic-looking crying in this. That's the nicest thing I can say. It's not badly directed. It just belongs in the vault.
- DirectorDonald WryeStarsTaylor FirthRob MayesHenry CzernyAlexis is a young girl who dreams of becoming a champion figure skater. One day, while practicing, Alexis suffers a terrible accident that takes her sight and threatens to destroy her dreams.Had no interest in the original, but some - even Kevin Smith - have nostalgia for it. This was the attempt to mine that nostalgia.
- DirectorAndrew FlemingStarsAlbert BrooksMichael DouglasRyan ReynoldsRight before his daughter's wedding, a mild-mannered foot doctor discovers that his future son-in-law's father is a free-wheeling international spy.Out.
- DirectorJosef RusnakStarsBijou PhillipsJames MurrayRaphaël ColemanA baby born to a human couple turns out to be a mutant monster with an appetite to kill when scared.It's not so alive.
- DirectorHarald ZwartStarsJackie ChanJaden SmithTaraji P. HensonWork causes a single mother to move to China with her young son; in his new home, the boy embraces kung fu, taught to him by a master.Jaden Pinkett Smith had ambitions to be Ralph Machio when he grows up. Hopefully he won't do The Outsiders.