October Horror Movie Challenge 2020
31 horror movies in 31 Days.
I’m exhausted. I am a tightly wound yarn ball of anxiety, fear, and frustration. This year has been the hardest period for me personally and for my family. In the same space of time, my family has grown from three bodies to five, all randomly clunking about the halls of my house while the rest of the world loses its collective minds during a pandemic that’s already killed almost a million people worldwide. There’s enough real horror going on that 31 days of it just seems superfluous. But, fuck it, let’s watch some movies and forget the ongoing election year horrorshow! Happy Horrormas!
I’m exhausted. I am a tightly wound yarn ball of anxiety, fear, and frustration. This year has been the hardest period for me personally and for my family. In the same space of time, my family has grown from three bodies to five, all randomly clunking about the halls of my house while the rest of the world loses its collective minds during a pandemic that’s already killed almost a million people worldwide. There’s enough real horror going on that 31 days of it just seems superfluous. But, fuck it, let’s watch some movies and forget the ongoing election year horrorshow! Happy Horrormas!
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- DirectorMichael LaughlinStarsMichael MurphyLouise FletcherDan ShorA scientist is experimenting with teenagers and turning them into murderers.AKA “Dead Kids”
After several teenage boys are killed, including the mayor's son, a big cop in a small town is determined to find the killer. When he catches a break in the case, he's soon to find that the kids are not alright in this sleepy little town.
At 1h30, this film still has a lot of filler and it's not hard to figure out what's going on. It's painfully obvious that the writers know absolutely nothing about behavior modification science, but still use it as plot device. The twist requires a bit of word vomit back story in the last 30 minutes and it definitely lands right in the realm of fantasy - if Peter didn't know about how his mom died, how would he know anything about Dr LeSange? Makes no sense, but the beginning is a decent slasher film at least. The shadow puppet murder scene in the first 10 minutes was brilliant. - DirectorCaryn WaechterStarsLauren ElizabethClaudia SulewskiKeith MachekanyangaThe horrors and isolation of being a social media influencer run rampant when a collection of YouTube and Instagram stars soon discover there are things scarier than thousands of teenagers armed with phones asking for selfies.As social media influencers flock to a convention at a hotel, the staff finds they've double booked and are forced to rent out a room they believe is haunted. AKAshley is tired with the whole scene, but is forced to play along by her manager. Things start to go sideways for the influencer when Bobby wants to be friends.
I wish there was actually an ending to this film or maybe just an explanation. Is Bobby a ghost or demon? Who's the whistling man? Why doesn't the room have its own number? The movie has no climax; it's all rising action character development. Ultimately, it would be an ok killer ghost story or whatever if we knew what was going on and maybe how it was resolved. - DirectorJeremy GardnerChristian StellaStarsJeremy GardnerBrea GrantHenry ZebrowskiWhen his girlfriend suddenly disappears, leaving a cryptic note as her only explanation, Hank's comfortable life and his sanity begin to crack. Then, from the woods surrounding his house, something terrible starts trying to break in.When Abby leaves for parts and reasons unknown, Hank drinks and fixates on winning her back. Meanwhile, something terrifying claws at Hank's front door each night, coming a little closer to getting inside with each visit.
This is what Occulus tried to do, but After Life does it successfully, jumping from present to ten years prior and back again smoothly. Jeremy Gardner (also wrote and starred in The Battery) is equal parts sweet and sympathetic. Henry Zebrowski (of Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell) plays the goofy comic relief friend. I loved every minute of this movie, including the ending which, OK, yeah, is a little ridiculous, but it's still a monster movie!
I'm fading so I'll probably revisit this review in the morning to make it a little less nonsense, but the main takeaway is that I really enjoyed this one. It’s got a great soundtrack and the set is pretty interesting even in its simplicity. - DirectorGiddens KoStarsYu-Kai TengKent TsaiBonnie LiangShu-wei is an unpopular student who is a constant target for the school bullies, but he ends up joining forces with them when they encounter two demonic sisters who feast on human flesh at night, and they manage to capture one of them.AKA Guai Guai Guai Guaiwu!
Mandarin with Subtitles, from Taiwan.
Relentlessly bullied, Lin Shu-Wei does what he can to clear his name when he's accused of stealing his classroom's fees. Volunteered for community service by their teacher, Shu-Wei watches as his bullies, lead by Duan Ren-Hao, torment elderly pensioners instead of him for once. Later, they return to rob a veteran and stumble across the path of two cannibalistic monsters. When the smaller of the two is hit by a car, they take it to their secret meeting place above the school and subject it to unimaginable cruelties. Meanwhile, the remaining monster searches for its lost partner.
(Spoilers, a bit...) This is listed as a horror comedy and there are a few comedic moments in it when the movie isn't focusing on the kids, but, good goddamn, is this one mean and gloomy! I guess we're supposed to be rooting for Shu-Wei, but he's just as bad, if not worse. Ren-Hao comes across as the sociopathic result of a poor upbringing and surrounds himself with those who are equally cold and cruel. The sisters eat people, but it could be argued that they're simply surviving in a world that created them as they are whereas Ren-Hao and Shu-Wei are the real monsters - one for his wanton cruelty and violence and the other for his complicity. I actually really liked this one despite how bleak it is. There is no happy ending, no redemption, no one wins. And I'm OK with that. - DirectorMarc MeyersStarsAlexandra DaddarioKeean JohnsonMaddie HassonThree best friends embark on a road trip to a heavy-metal show, where they bond with three aspiring musicians and head off to one of the girls' country home for an after-party.Three friends travel to a heavy metal concert taking place somewhere in the Bible Belt where they meet three guys and take them home. Unfortunately, rumors of a serial killer satanic cult racking up 18 kills weighs heavily on one of the girl's minds.
I don't hate this one, but there's nothing really entertaining about it either. Madeline Hasson tries so hard, but absolutely no one is helping her carry this awful movie. It seems director Joe Dante peaked in the 90s with the sole notable exception being Burying the Ex which I strongly suspect is only due to my enjoyment of Anton Yelchin.
We Summon the Darkness could have been good, it's got a good idea at the heart of it, but it never does anything fun with it and the twist is just lame. I think I would've preferred it if a Satanic cult had just shown up and Scooby-Doo'd the group of six, chasing them all over the giant house and property.
Johnny Knoxville shows up for a scene and that's OK... is he dying? He looks like he's dying. - DirectorPatrick BriceStarsKaran SoniMark DuplassDesiree AkhavanA video artist looking for work drives to a remote house in the forest to meet a man claiming to be a serial killer. But after agreeing to spend the day with him, she soon realizes that she made a deadly mistake.After his 39th kill, Aaron has lost his joie de vivre. What do you do when stalking and killing your target becomes a thankless job, a boring task to accomplish? Just when he thinks all hope is lost, Sara answers his want ad for a videographer and seems very supportive of his eccentricities.
I love this set and I want his house, it's gorgeous. Who knew serial killing was so lucrative?!
I really enjoyed the first, but it dragged in some points. The second was a much better offering in terms of pacing and it definitely feels like it could stand on its own, but, story-wise, there's really nothing to differentiate the two movies outside of victim. I guess I just wanted something more than what we got in the first. - DirectorRichard ShepardStarsMarie MaskellAllison WilliamsChristina JastrzembskaWhen troubled musical prodigy Charlotte seeks out Elizabeth, the new star pupil of her former school, the encounter sends both musicians down a sinister path with shocking consequences.When her sick mother finally succumbs, Charlotte reaches out to her old mentors at the Bachoff music academy and meets up with them in Shanghai only to find that they've replaced her with a new protégé, Lizzie. After a brief romp, the two cellists decide to tour the local villages, but Lizzie becomes increasingly sick, infected, it seems, by a highly contagious virus.
I was expecting body horror and wasn't thrilled at the prospect of watching yet another bugs under the skin movie. Instead, what I got was Black Swan's Revenge, Cello Style and I am 100% here for that shit. However, as hot as Logan Browning is, that sex scene is painful and dull - leave it to heterosexual white women to ruin a good lesbian sex scene...
OK, away from the sexy Browning and back to the story. Every time there's a twist, they rewind to the point where it first became relevant in order to explain it. Not everything needs an explanation - between the matching tattoos and flashbacks to a creepy room with a stage, it doesn't take a genius to figure out Lizzie and Charlotte share more than just talent and a bed. The frequent flashbacks and rewinds take away a little of the action at the end, but it's otherwise a very enjoyable film. Again, the inside sets are gorgeous and the costuming, particularly the red dress at the end, was superb. - DirectorDavid R. EllisStarsSara PaxtonDustin MilliganChris CarmackA weekend at a lake house in the Louisiana Gulf turns into a nightmare for seven vacationers as they are subjected to shark attacks.College kids rock up to their friend's lakeside house to engage in some fun in the water. But, suddenly, sharks!! In the lake!! How many college kids can the sharks eat before the day ends and will they ever get the athlete to a hospital?!
Ugh. No, no, no. Uuuuuuuggghhhh. Now that's a professional review right there.
Cabin In the Woods came out in 2011 and I swear I thought we were about to see an elevator pop up, toss a few more sharks into the mix, and then stealthily retreat under the water. We've got the athlete who's trying to avoid getting sent back to the projects and his mamacita Hispanic girlfriend, the slut, the stoner, the narcissistic pretty boy, the good guy, and the final girl. They even have a stereotypical run in with the local yokels at the run down convenience store snack run. Final girl reveals local yokel with the scar on his face used to be her boyfriend and recounts how he tried to kill her for leaving for college. For some weird reason, she totally forgets that he's a murderous sociopath when she lets the slut and the stoner go with him and shark teeth yokel.
At one point, after having lost an arm and a ton of blood, Athlete hears that a shark has eaten his girlfriend, Token Ethnic, grabs a stick and shouts something about "they take one of yours, you take one of theirs!" and then he wades out to the lake, trailing his bloody sleeve with its poorly pinned arm underneath, and proceeds to beat a hammerhead shark with a stick. I kept thinking, this shark is going to tear off his other arm and then we're going to have a Monty Python reference. Sadly, he kept his other arm...
No mention how salt water sharks can survive in a freshwater lake. I guess nature found a way because the writers sure weren't bothered. - DirectorVincenzo NataliStarsLaysla De OliveiraAvery WhittedPatrick WilsonAfter hearing a young boy's cry for help, a sister and brother venture into a vast field of tall grass in Oklahoma but soon discover there may be no way out...and that something evil lurks within.On the side of a long stretch of highway sits the Church of the Black Rock of Redemption which faces an unending stretch of tall grass. When Cal stops the car between the church and the grass so his pregnant sister Becky can be sick, they hear a boy call for help from inside the grass.
(Spoilers further down)
I just watched this and I still don't know if I liked it. Towards the end, night never ends so we're treated to a perpetual blue filter that I kind of detest, but I guess there's got to be a reason the climax has to take place at night, I just don't know the reason.
I don't really like any of the characters. Tobin is weird and gangly and (spoiler) if you can't leave after you touch the rock, how did he leave?? Or was that another Tobin who touched the rock and that's why he wanted Cal to touch it? Ross is a jerk from the start so no surprise there. Natalie is meh for how short she's on screen. Becky is a wishy washy whiner and her character is annoying. Cal seems off from the start and I kind of pegged him for being the gay brother, not the pervert hoping for incest brother. And Travis is every redemption arc in every Stephen King movie ever. I'm sure there's a lot more to the story and nerds will be analyzing it shot for shot for years to come, but I'm pretty sure I'll have forgotten it by the end of the month. Sorry for the spoilers, but there's not a lot to this movie unless maybe you're knee deep in King mythology and I've just never found his writing to be all that entertaining. I guess this one is just my loss.
I still don't know if I enjoyed it or not. It was a movie. I don't really get it - ooooh, it's a circular plot! (Spoiler) But, if Becky and Cal never go into the grass, then Travis would never go into the grass which means Tobin would never go into the grass which means the Tobin in the car would cease to exist which means he wouldn't be there to stop them from going into the grass - that's the problem with time travel paradoxes. It's silly. But, if what Ross says (and shows with multiple Cal bodies) is right about alternate choices spawning alternate outcomes all at the same time and that each choice spawns a physical body that can live or die, maybe it's possible that those physical bodies can occupy the same approximate space and work together or against each other...? And, if that's the case, why wouldn't all alternate choice Travis's (Travi?) create a diametrically opposing army of those who want to protect Becky versus those who want to go home and be a bar room rockstar? And then you have an Army of Darkness scenario where good Travis fights selfish Travis and everyone dies! I don't know... it just seems so meh. - DirectorAlexandre BustilloJulien MauryStarsChloé CoulloudFélix MoatiJérémy KaponeThe suggestion of a big treasure hidden somewhere inside Mrs Jessel's once renowned classical dance academy will become an irresistible lure to a fiendish trap for Lucie and her friends.While training to be a caretaker for the elderly, Lucie meets Mdm Jessel, a ballet instructor who now lays comatose on the top floor of an aged mansion. Lucie's trainer, Catherine, casually mentions Mdm Jessel's wealth and hints at a treasure hidden somewhere in the house that has yet to be found. At the end of the day, Lucie reveals what she's learned to boyfriend William and friend Ben who convince her to let them break into the old woman's house on Halloween night.
Let me first say that I hate the ending. Hate it. It's stupid. But! There are moments of magic in this movie that work so well and I give a lot of credit to Chloé Coulloud (Lucie) and Chloé Marcq (Anna) for those moments. The house is, again, a spectacular set with just the right amount of atmosphere and decoration to truly convey the creep factor, but it also lends an otherworldly feel where monsters hiding in shadows are commonplace. In all honesty, this is a really good movie with the exception of the ending, but I want more of Madam Jessel and Anna. I would totally watch a prequel...
The little nods to other horror movies were particularly nice - I caught the Halloween III jingle and the American Werewolf in London sign, but missed the Suspira reference. - DirectorJesse O'BrienStarsGary SweetKerry ArmstrongKathryn WilderA timid butcher and his drama queen twin sister quit the hostile confines of post- Brexit Britain and adventure to Australia in search of their birth mother, but the seemingly tolerant townsfolk are hiding a dark, meaty secret.After the death of their mother, twins Annabelle and Norman make their way to Australia to find Mary Pierce, the mother who gave them up as babies. Unfortunate timing, they get to Two Heads Creek just in time for her funeral, but something doesn't quite sit right with Norman. The accommodating townsfolk seem all too eager to allay their concerns and see them off.
I enjoy horror comedies. Sometimes, the campier the movie, the better in my opinion. However, the problem with horror comedies is that most of them are rather terrible. Well done horror comedies that are entertaining and cohesive, fulfilling both genres adequately, are rare little gems. Two Heads Creek is not a rare little gem. Instead, it's more of a communal toilet movie. The jokes are easy and juvenile and the gore is more in line with Herschell Gordon Lewis' films which makes me happy because some practical effects company obviously put a lot of effort into casting faces for severed heads and limbs and other random gore. Could've done without the random green screen during the fight though... it was a really awkward inclusion.
Story-wise, it's OK. You could totally do worse for 85 minutes. Surprisingly, the movie has a really nice pace. - DirectorChris LaMartinaStarsDavid Phillip CarolloMelissa LaMartinaNicolette le FayeWhen a virginal artist falls in love with a call girl, she turns out to be the chosen bride of the alien god Cthulhu. To save her, he must stop an ancient cult from summoning their god and destroying mankind.All Sebastian Suydum wants is a hooker with a birthmark on her butt to crown her the chosen bride of Cthulhu and bring about the end of the world. Meanwhile, Riley, said hooker, entertains the romantic notions of a virgin artist who thinks she's the special girl he's been waiting for.
"There are some things man was never meant to understand."
"Yeah, and I call them women."
Filmed in Maryland, this low budget schlock fest got 3 out of 4 skulls from Fangoria. Working almost exclusively with etsy artists, Midnight Crew didn't do a terrible job. The beginning is rough as the actors in the first couple minutes are particularly awful, but David Phillip Carollo (Carter, the virginal artist) and Melissa O'Brien (Riley, the birthmarked call girl) are kind of OK. It's a surprisingly cohesive storyline with side characters and everything. I nodded off at the end so had to rewatch the last 20 or so minutes for a conclusion that isn't exactly satisfying, but stays true to the spirit of the source material. It's definitely not bad. There are several references to the mythos that most people will get so that's fun. It falls under horror comedy, but there isn't much in the way of slapstick or jokes or whatever, it's more just the absurdity of the material, but that's all Lovecraft stuff so take it for what you will. - DirectorTed GeogheganStarsKaniehtiio HornEzra BuzzingtonEamon FarrenLate in the War of 1812, a young Mohawk woman and her two lovers battle a squad of American soldiers hell-bent on revenge.As the Americans fight the British, a lone Brit, Joshua, tries to convince a handful of Mohawk natives to join the fight against the Americans. Far too impulsive, Calvin disregards his mother's (mother in law's?) admonishing and attacks a garrison of American soldiers while they sleep. Pursuing him, a group of American scouts track Calvin back to his squaw, Okwahu and their British beau. Their only hope of escape is to meet up with Ok's uncle and cousins at a nearby mission.
OK, Spoilers, because this one is terrible. Okwahu literally spends most of the movie running and being generally useless against a garrison of half a dozen men. After they're whittled down to three and most everyone is dead, suddenly she's got almost superhuman powers and day turns to night in the space of one character turning around.
When Lachlan and Yancy were questioning what would happen if they were caught by other tribes or the British, Holt yells out that they've killed all of them and that they were the only monsters in the forest. I guess that's as poignant a message as we can expect because the movie quickly goes off the rails into goofy supernatural land and ends on a confusing sentimental note after the final showdown. I just don't get what we're supposed to take away from this movie other than "heh, mystical showdowns are cool". Which, OK, yeah, if that's your thing, but it takes forever to get there. - DirectorAlex MerkinStarsEmily BaderDarren MannMichelle RandolphA group of high-school kids set out to play a Halloween prank at an abandoned house, but once they enter they become victims of a demonic witch who has set her wrath upon them.Home from college for Halloween, six teens break into an abandoned mansion to party and quickly find themselves trapped by an apparition who seems intent on picking them off one by one.
Freaking A man, this is freaking tame for so called mature audiences. Outside of some gnarly finger and sleeve effects, most of the gory stuff apparently happens off screen. The ghost or whatever she is feels like a callback to the 90s remake of The House on Haunted Hill where an ominous cloud chases characters through a large house. Granted, Haunted Hill's house was a lot nicer - Annabelle could stand to hire a maid or two, but she'd probably try to kill them so I guess that's a no go.
So much running! Next movie is going to feature zero chase scenes. Overall, the set is pretty generic, the characters are plug and play, and the ghost is ho hum boring. I won't remember half of these movies by the end of the month. - DirectorGus HolwerdaStarsJames MorrisonRichard DawkinsJason SpisakA group of young Miskatonic University scientists invent a time machine, only to learn that they are being manipulated by mysterious, unseen forces from another dimension.I'm not even halfway through this and I wish I would've watched something else. I'm big grump face as I finish this. I'll do a review, but I'm not going to be happy about it.
Ok, it's been a couple days since I watched this so I'll suck it up and write a review. I'm still big grump face so... yeah.
Lead by his favorite professor, Nate and his friends at Miskatonic University create a time travel device. When the adult version of their childhood bully appears and decries their device as satanic, Nate's friend, Ryan, hops in the device, setting in motion a crawl through time as Nate's life up to that point is examined.
I hate time travel movies. Let me fix that. I fucking hate fucking time travel movies and their goddamn stupid as shit plot holes that don't address paradoxes said time travel would cause. It's just lazy writing and it's annoying.
Beyond that, this particular time travel movie takes for-fucking-ever to even get to the time travel part and hyper focuses on the romance aspect.
It's like the writers wanted to squish Memento and every schmaltzy doomed will they won't they romance together to come up with the absolute shittiest sci-fi they could possibly muster. I hate this and everyone involved. I expected more Cthulhu and got fucking Dr Who At The Lake House Writes Letters to Juliet Which All Read PS I Love You. - DirectorCraig William MacneillStarsDavid MorseJared BreezeRainn WilsonAn intimate portrait of a 9-year-old sociopath's growing fascination with death.Ted lives at a motel that's seen better days with his dad. He collects roadkill for change as he hopes to one day find his mom in Florida. When the roadkill cash dries up, Ted has to bring in more business for the motel in the only way he can.
The pacing is grueling and slow and I'm not entirely convinced it's unintentionally so. Ted has no friends or classmates and his dad is little more than a coworker. Things pick up with each new customer, but it really just shows Ted's desperation to make a connection and then lashing out when that connection fails to somehow provide escape from the tedium of his life.
As a side note, I hate when posters spoil movies. - DirectorDom FrankStarsClint HowardBill MoseleyLisa WilcoxThe pastor of a landmark church is the sole hold-out in a Philadelphia neighborhood earmarked for gentrification. But soon, the spirits of congregational members past begin to make their displeasure known. Who are the righteous among them?When developers come for the church that's been in his family for generations, a priest has to make the decision to sell or stay. A few less than honest board members hope to sway the decision in their favor.
Honestly, I was dead tired when I watched this and quickly realized it was not going to be the movie that kept my attention. I tried valiantly to focus and I think I got most of what it was about, but there are a few scenes that stick out in my memory where I have no clue how or why they're related.
Apparently churches can never be sold or demolished because it angers the Holy Ghost, but then there was something about cheating spouses and witch burnings and I just don't know. I'll probably have to watch it again for it to make sense, but the acting is subpar with most actors over emoting and even features some delayed reactions. The special effects are particularly cheesy - people stand directly in front of a black door way or whatnot and get pulled into a separate space after dissolving into a black cloud. Meh...
OK, so, watched it again and I'm pretty set in the fact that it's a terrible movie. The acting is awful, especially from the two guys with accents, and a lot of the scenes end in a way that doesn't really make sense. Nothing matters anyway because the ending retcons everything back to the decision to sell or stay anyway so none of the immoral people are punished and no one learns a lesson, but a crumbling church with dwindling membership is saved and that's enough for the spooky cloud that was kidnapping everyone.
I don't know. I don't care, I'm not watching it again to figure out if I missed some key point that explains it. My guess is altar guild lady slipped them some bad LSD and they all had a shared hallucination. - DirectorRyan SpindellStarsTristan ByonEden CampbellHannah R. LoydAn eccentric mortician recounts several macabre and phantasmagorical tales that he's encountered in his distinguished career.Following the funeral of a child, Montgomery Black must deal with a job seeker by the name of Sam who demands to be entertained by the aged mortician's stories. With each story, they come closer and closer to the overarching moral which may hit closer to home than they realize.
I really enjoyed this anthology. The sets are really fantastic with the little details that successfully set the mood and the soundtrack by The Mondo Boys is ridiculously awesome to where I now want to pick up their other music. The acting is better in some segments, but it's consistently solid throughout and the shorts are cohesive and entertaining. At just under 2hrs, it didn't really drag and the wraparound segment is OK, ending on a nice note. - DirectorJung HuhStarsYum Jung-ahPark Hyuk-kwonHeo JinThe Jangsan Tiger, who mimics human voices to lure them close, encounters a family affected by the creature.Hoping to restore their mother's memories lost to dementia, Hee-yeon moves her family to a small village near Mt Yang. Unfortunately, a dangerous entity stalks a nearby cave and calls out using the voices of the dead.
My heart. Even when an Asian movie gives you a happy ending, it's still pretty much just a double middle finger surrounded by cake so, y'know... yay, cake, but also double middle fingers. Shin Rin-Ah is adorable even by South Korean kid standards - like super adorable even as a creepy kid.
The leads are sympathetic characters, having lost their son and only barely holding it together for themselves and their daughter. When two kids who have lost their dog mistake their lost dog for one at the vet clinic, Hee-yeon and her husband follow them out into the woods where Hee-yeon finds a little girl. It's not hard to understand why Hee-yeon gets attached so quickly - she immediately begins associating the found little girl with her lost little boy and the girl acts as sort of a stand in.
I really enjoyed this one, but the ending causes a heap of emotional pain. The setting is gorgeous even for just being a forest, cave, and house. - DirectorPhilippe MoraStarsRonny CoxBibi BeschPaul ClemensA young woman gets raped by a mysterious man-creature, and years later her son begins a horrific transformation into a similar beast.Seventeen years after a brutal attack, Caroline's son Michael is in the hospital dying from a possible genetic disorder. Determined to help their boy, Caroline and husband Eli return to the small town where she was raped in order to find the man responsible. Meanwhile, Michael is no slouch and is soon up and walking around again which may not be the best idea for the crooked Curwin family.
It's an 80s creature transformation movie. The acting is pretty consistent for the time and the story is simple and straightforward - pretty much what you can expect when the screenwriter gets tired of waiting for the book it's supposed to be based on to be written and writes the entire thing themselves.
The creature reveal is awful and even the transformation scene gets goofy. They focus way too much on cicadas and the makeup doesn't really convey insect.
Meh, it was a movie. - DirectorPollyanna McIntoshStarsCooper AndrewsLauryn CannyKristina ArntzA direct sequel to 2011's The Woman.When Darlin arrives at a local Catholic hospital, the staff is at a loss for what to do with the feral girl. Befriended by an orderly, she becomes docile enough for the Bishop to see opportunity in taking her into his home for girls. Little do they know that the Woman is not too far behind and is desperately looking for her daughter.
Darlin’ is a sequel to The Offspring (2009) and The Woman (2011). In the first movie, we see a nomadic family of cannibals terrorizing a local community. By the second movie, the family is gone and the Woman, the mother figure, is captured and subjected to terrible cruelty at the hands of the family who “rescues” her. Pollyanna McIntosh plays the titular Woman in all three and I like how they give credit to Jack Ketchum for creating the characters when they’re pretty clearly based on Sawney Bean.
Spoilers...sort of.
It’s ok. Bryan Batt plays slimy really convincingly and the others are consistently good, though I was disappointed with the lack of gore that characterized the first two movies - it’s hard to forget Coke can teeth cunninglingus. We still get kills as the Woman tracks Darlin’ down, but they’re absent the malicious creativity I’ve grown accustomed to seeing with this group. It’s a tame sequel to be sure, but the story is decent even if the ending is a little meh. - DirectorKerry HarrisStarsRadha MitchellHenry ThomasFinlay Wojtak-HissongIn order to stop his bad dreams a young boy steals a dreamcatcher from a mysterious neighbor forcing his family to rescue him from a nightmarish entity.When Josh's dad leaves him alone with Gail at the house where Josh's mom Becky died, Gail decides to put the ol' child psychotherapist degree to work by analyzing Josh's recurring nightmares about his mother. But spouting off random psycho babble nonsense doesn't seem to be doing the trick because Josh's nightmares are getting worse and he's acting up while awake. Could there possibly be some other reason that Gail suddenly doesn't feel so safe in her boyfriend's old family home?
Ugh. Should I be happy that all the nonsense bullshit Google based psycho babble that spews from Radha Mitchell's resting bitch face turns out to be utterly useless in a possession movie? I don't know because (spoiler) the one person I wanted to die ended up surviving (maybe) despite all her horrible ineptitude at her professed profession and at being a stand in mom next to an absent father and a dead mother. Literally, all she has to do is humor the kid for five seconds, listen to what he's saying, and not dismiss him and his concerns for once. Would it have killed her to spent whatever on a goddamn dreamcatcher to make him feel better?? What kind of therapist doesn't understand placebos?? She clearly doesn't understand transference or environmentally fucking induced stress which is psychology 101. I loathe movies that give characters careers that the writer obviously didn't research. Goddammit, make her a psychology student - at least then her smug self important bullshit would make sense.
Angry!! There are even failures on a technical level - there's some pretty crap CGI in the first 20 or so minutes followed by a camera focus issue where the camera can't figure out if the background or foreground is supposed to be in focus between shots and that totally doesn't get edited out or reshot... and I don't care what part of a hatchet you get hit with, if it hits your head, you're dead. The makeup effects were OK at best - a muddy face prosthetic with hanging eye and finger extensions that look held on with masking tape. They couldn't even get a simple makeup. Just skip it. I suffered through it so you don't have to. - DirectorDave FrancoStarsDan StevensAlison BrieSheila VandTwo couples rent a vacation home for what should be a celebratory weekend get-away.Two brothers and their significant others rent a luxurious cabin for the weekend to celebrate the business success of one brother and the other brother's girlfriend. When they arrive, the girlfriend accuses the AirB&B owner of racism and gets a second helping for her trouble. As the first night draws to a close with drunken and drugged debauchery, the discover someone may be peeping in on their fun.
First thirty seconds are jarring as boyfriend brother shows up and we realize girlfriend and married brother aren't together, but that's OK because they're just platonic business partners. Uh huh... and married brother sees nothing wrong with lamenting to wife about how perfect girlfriend is and why would she ever date a loser like boyfriend brother?! If you can't see where this is going to end up, you may need situational awareness glasses.
As the audience, we know they're being watched, but they have no clue until about the last 20 minutes when the killer finally shows up in a rubber mask and just starts whacking them with a hammer. It's like the writers wanted a relationship drama but they could only secure the rights to a moody and ominous soundtrack so they cut the ending and shoved in a killer. As such, there's very little in the way of tension or gore or anything remotely interesting outside of relationship drama for the majority of the movie. It's OK, but not really what I was looking for when watching a vacation home invasion movie. - DirectorJen SoskaSylvia SoskaStarsLaura VandervoortBenjamin HollingsworthTed AthertonThe quiet Rose works in women's fashion clothing, hoping to be a designer. A traffic accident damages her face. She gets experimental stem cell treatment, leaving her stronger and prettier than ever - but there's a side effect.When a car accident wrecks her jaw and leaves her with half a face, fashion designer Rose lets herself get talked into experimental stem cell surgery which miraculously fixes her face and makes her hot and confident. The only side effect is now she craves raw meat and might be infecting the city with a mutated strain of rabies... but she looks great while she's at it!
This is a retake on David Cronenberg's 1977 film of the same name. The explanation is still ridiculous, but at least they made it more vampire-y or zombie-like instead of the armpit monster from the first movie.
Rose is an assistant fashion designer for an eccentric German who humiliates her in front of all her coworkers. Her foster sister Chelsea is a flawless model who works for the same German and tries to get Rose to come out of her shell by convincing her work crush to ask her out. When Rose discovers that she's the subject of office gossip, she flees the date and is creamed by oncoming traffic when she fails to look both ways.
Channeling Jack Nicholson, she demands a mirror as soon as she wakes up in the hospital and is unhappy with her new monster face.
When I was fourteen, I had both my jaws broken and reset and then wired shut. The liquid diet was the least of my concerns compared to managing the actual drinking part around my wired teeth. Rose has a moment where she tries valiantly to down a smoothie with only half her lips intact and that gave me big feels.
Outside of that, however, the whole movie is just sort of meh. I'm not a huge fan of the original and often get parts of it confused with Shivers, another David Cronenberg movie, for some reason. But I'll take the remake over the original any day if only to avoid armpit vampires. - DirectorBing BaileyStarsPatrick MurphyGeraldine McAlindenRory MullenWhen son, Billy, becomes a zombie the family chooses to take care of him in the home much to the chagrin of the neighbors and the local crime boss.After their son turns zombie, his family tries to get him help and, failing that, they try to keep him locked in his room. A documentary crew arrives hoping to cash in on the strain it puts on the community to have a resident zombie they can't dispatch.
The zombie makeups are pretty standard for a low budget film with the bite wounds even looking like pasted on prosthetics. The documentary angle isn't anything new and the characters aren't incredibly endearing so it just ends up being a countdown for when everything goes sideways. I feel for the parents who insist that their son is still in there somewhere and try to carry on as normally as they can while simultaneously sacrificing even their bodies to keep their son alive in whatever way they can. In a way, by refusing to let him go, they refuse to mourn him and are stuck in limbo with him. It’s not a good movie by any measure, but it has some rare moments where a better film can be seen peeking through. - DirectorRyan BuryJennifer BoniorJames BowsherStarsJared LaufreeKayla StuhrGrace MummA series of stories woven together by one of our most primal fears, the fear of the unknown.A collection of shorts thrown together from various film makers...
I remember four shorts out of eleven and it's been less than 12hrs since I watched it. Some of them are obviously better than others, but there's really no rhyme or reason for their inclusion. - DirectorLew LehmanStarsSammy SnydersJeannie EliasSonja SmitsA solitary and strange preteen boy wreaks revenge on his harassers when he makes a disturbing discovery in the depth of a forest.A socially awkward sex obsessed boy finds a hole in the ground way out in the forest and feeds those he dislikes to the Trogs who live in the hole.
Fourteen year old Sammy Snyder doesn't exactly pass for twelve, but Jamie is such a goddamn creep.
The Trog costumes are neat and are definitely characteristic of the time. I know the script was modified to be a lot more comedic than it was supposed to be and the language choices are indicative of a kind of taming down. As goofy as it turned out, I almost wish I could've seen the original intent. - DirectorRobert EggersStarsRobert PattinsonWillem DafoeValeriia KaramanTwo lighthouse keepers try to maintain their sanity while living on a remote and mysterious New England island in the 1890s.Two lighthouse keepers begin their month long watch on a dreary rock far from civilization. Beset by seagulls and strange daydreams, it seems the remote post may prove too much for them both.
Second verse, same as the first! Or as close as I can get it - this is my second attempt at writing a review as the first was eaten by the dog. Or maybe it was a gull...
I love Willem Dafoe's acting in most things I've seen him in and Pattinson is really trying to keep up here despite his slippery grip on his accent. Dafoe's sailor dialect makes me happy subtitles exist, but they didn't do very much in the way of helping me figure out what's real and what's imagined.
I wish I was smarter and this movie made sense to me. As it stands, I can only assume that Pattinson's character had already suffered a break with reality as a logger and being verbally beaten down by a new boss only hastens his further retreat into the surreal hallucinations that plague him throughout the movie. At least, that's my take on it.
The whole thing is filmed in black and white and it's probably meant to convey some artistic mood, but, living in the northeast and spending winters in Maine near the coastline, I have childhood memories of stormy gray days where color just seems drained away and everything feels muted and huddled. It's easy to feel like you're the last person on earth on those days as the chill and grayness keeps most people indoors and maybe that's what drives Pattinson's character crazy - his only source of social interaction is a gruff and unfriendly boss so he retreats into his head but finds no solace in his own thoughts.
Overall, it was weird, but enjoyable. The acting is as expected with Dafoe being delightfully grump and crazy with Pattinson mostly reacting as people would in his situation until things go a bit off the rails. It's not bad, but it's not likely to get another watch. - DirectorShunji IwaiStarsKevin ZegersKeisha Castle-HughesAmanda PlummerA biology teacher looks for young suicidal women online to satisfy his taste for blood. Rather than violent, his acts are quite peaceful and always consented.On a suicide pact dating forum, a biology professor is looking for his special lady who would like to skip the getting old and go right to the dying together. In the worst catfish of all time, this Hot For Teacher doesn't actually have plans to off himself, but is very eager to bleed those who answer his siren call instead.
It took less than five minutes to hate this movie and I blame it entirely on the godawful soundtrack. I eventually warmed to Kevin Zegers as Simon, but it wasn't until after the vampire party where he seemed the least insane. Trevor Morgan's Renfield was sweet and sympathetic until he wasn't and, while Simon is abhorrent for his actions and inaction, his protest and subsequent actions makes him a little likeable. An ethical monster is still a monster, but a monster with rules.
I don't know if the soundtrack got better in the second half or I managed the perfect balance of boozed and exhausted that it didn't matter anymore. So I guess you just need a good buzz going to tolerate this. - DirectorAlan GibsonStarsChristopher LeePeter CushingMichael ColesIn 1974, Professor Lorrimer Van Helsing investigates a satanic cult on behalf of Scotland Yard, only to discover a plot by Count Dracula to commit global genocide.Investigating a quartet of corrupt officials, a government agency realizes they may be securing their positions with a supernatural backer. When they call in an expert on the occult, they get Professor Van Helsing who uncovers an intricate plot involving the Black Plague and vampires!
Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing ham it up in this sequel to Dracula A.D. 1972 and it's honestly pretty great. My favorite part is at the end when the infected conspirators try to play tag with Peter Cushing and he makes an "ew, no" face before dodging the cootie hand.
If you knew Hawthorne trees are your weakness, why would you let them grow on your secret satanic bungalow property? Does Dracula not have access to good landscapers? That's like Superman keeping kryptonite bushes as accent pieces. Silly. There were a few more bits that were more than a little awkward, but who cares! It's Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing! Stop being a nerd. - DirectorAri AsterStarsFlorence PughJack ReynorVilhelm BlomgrenA couple travels to Northern Europe to visit a rural hometown's fabled Swedish mid-summer festival. What begins as an idyllic retreat quickly devolves into an increasingly violent and bizarre competition at the hands of a pagan cult.Aaaaaaand 31!
After a devastating personal loss, Dani accompanies her boyfriend to Sweden with his friends who are returning to their classmates' rural village for a rare version of their midsummer celebration. What starts as a pleasant summer festival quickly turns less than idyllic when the first customs begin.
At 157 minutes, calling it over long is generous. The story isn't new and there's not a lot in the way of innovative deaths, but, in true Ari Aster fashion, the movie is gorgeous. From the detailed set design to the costuming to the soundtrack, everything is beautiful but with just the slightest hint that something may be off as if every cascade of flowers grows just above a rotting corpse acting as a façade and an alarm.
I enjoyed it outside of Dani's anguished sobbing. Ugh, ugly criers. The background music becomes oppressive in parts and that's particularly disconcerting as it never really syncs with what's going on - back to that image of the flowered corpse alarm... But, again, overall, it was still enjoyable.
Oh, and Mark (Will Poulter) should've gotten an onscreen death that was painful and extensive. That insufferable little toad should've been peeled toes first on screen and then smothered in salt and lemon juice. I'm very disappointed in his ending. - DirectorAustin ChickStarsNicole LaLiberteDanielle PanabakerMatthew RauchAfter a series of bad experiences with men, Shae teams up with her co-worker, Lu, who has a simple, deadly way of dealing with the opposite sex.After her much older married boyfriend dumps her, Shae's caught crying in the breakdown by Lu who generously offers to kill him for her. Instead, they go out drinking at another club and meet up with some gents who are not keen on being told no. When Shae's attempt to get justice yields no results, she and Lu decide to get their own justice.
This rape revenge movie is about 20 minutes too long and really should've just ended with them in the car - Lu singing to the radio and Shae slightly uncomfortable with how she's made friends with such an unhinged person.
I don't like seeing Lu punished and it's more than just the fact that she's a hot red head with freckles.
[Cue really long rant about patriarchal morality plays about victims staying victims and not seeking revenge lest it drive them to ruin because a society that depends on the insecurities of women to thrive has a worst fear and that fear is that women will one day wake up and realize it's all bullshit and we are much more powerful and so much stronger than we're told. Followed by an "ahem" moment where I realize I've been ranting and it's less about the movie and more about my feminist post-apocalyptic fantasy... it would be glorious. But back to the movie!]
Movie good. Nicole LaLiberte gives me a lady boner. - DirectorDavid RühmStarsAnatole TaubmanTobias MorettiDominic OleySigmund Freud's newest patient is a vampire fed up with his undying relationship with his wife.Fed up with immortality, a vampire count seeks out renowned psychologist Sigmund Freud to analyze him as he comes to terms with the wife he hates and the one who got away. At one point, Freud recommends a painter to paint the count's wife and gestures to a painting the boy did of his girlfriend Lucy who, of course, is a spitting image of the one who got away.
Horror comedies are hard and when they miss the mark on either side, it can be really bad. Luckily, Therapy for a Vampire ditches horror and lands straight in the realm of almost slapstick comedy. It's an OK comedy. In order to get his wife out of the way, he sends her to a portrait painter who only ever paints one woman, his girlfriend as he wishes she were. The count, struck by the likeness of his ideal girlfriend to the count's lost love, sets about wooing the girlfriend after she's changed her look to match the portrait as a joke. The painter, incensed at his girlfriend's willingness to leave with an older stranger, determined to make her jealous with the presence of the countess in his apartment. And the girlfriend who just wants to be accepted as she is and also perhaps to fly. It's sweet in the end as all romantic comedies should be. - DirectorStan DragotiStarsGeorge HamiltonSusan Saint JamesRichard BenjaminAfter being evicted from his castle in Transylvania, Count Dracula and his assistant Renfield travel to New York to find a woman who the Count believes is the reincarnation of the woman he has loved for all eternity.Repeat Viewing
Evicted from his ancestral castle, Dracula and his servant Renfield travel to the United States to meet a model who bears a striking resemblance to Mina Harker. Unfortunately, model Cindy has a therapist boyfriend who will stop at nothing to thwart the plans of Count Dracula and tell Cindy how much he maybe loves her!
George Hamilton chews the scenery in this and I am 100% here for it. I think my first time watching this movie was as a teenager and I've enjoyed it every time I've seen it. - DirectorGary ShermanStarsJames FarentinoMelody AndersonJack AlbertsonSheriff Dan Gillis investigates eerie deaths in a sleepy coastal town.Something is terribly wrong with the townsfolk of Potters Bluff and the town's only sheriff, Dan Gillis, is on the case!
I really thought I had seen this before, but this would actually be a first view so I'm probably confusing it with Motel Hell based on the cover art.
Apparently this was done on a shoestring budget, but you'd never know from watching it. There are some truly inventive camera angles and the practical effects aren't bad at all. The story is a little predictable, but it was probably pretty surprising in the 80s. - DirectorJimmy HustonStarsRobert Sean LeonardEvan MirandLeeAnne LockenAfter a sexual encounter with a beautiful client, a teenage delivery boy finds himself being turned into a vampire.Repeat Viewing
After a sordid sexual encounter with an older woman goes awry, Jeremy finds himself stalked by a creepy older man. In addition, his attempts to woo Darla are hampered by his newfound appetite for blood.
Robert Sean Leonard really played the crap out of the all American teenager for as long as he possibly could and I respect that, but I don't think he's ever been a good actor. Even still, I enjoy his neurotic monologing characters more than I probably should. - DirectorAdam WingardStarsJames Allen McCuneCallie HernandezCorbin ReidAfter discovering a video showing what he believes to be his vanished sister Heather, James and a group of friends head to the forest believed to be inhabited by the Blair Witch.When new evidence appears and brings new hope that his sister Heather might still be alive, James drags his group of friends into the Black Hills Forest outside Burkittsville MD. They meet up with some locals who found the extra DV footage and posted it online and the two groups venture deep into the woods.
I was sixteen when the first film was released. Working at a pizza place directly across from the movie theater, we watched scores of teenagers run to their cars. My violin tutor lived in Burkittsville and had her mailbox stolen when fans of the film descended en masse on the teeny town. They stomped through the graveyard and they generally just trashed this small community which had absolutely no warning of the shit storm that hit them. I haven't traipsed through them, but, as I understand it, there's absolutely no way anyone could get lost in the woods around Burkittsville - you can hear the highway no matter which way you go. They could've put their witch anywhere so I'm a little bitter over the fan response because it's stupid to be so disrespectful to residents over a movie.
Anyway, the third movie bombed in its opening week and barely made its money back and it makes sense. The audience in 1999 was not the same as the audience in 2016 and the third film adds nothing substantive to the mythos. In the end, it fails to justify its existence as a sequel and serves as the limp followup no one but the most ardent fan requested. Showing your monster is the equivalent of showing your dick - the first movie never showed its dick and fans were intrigued and wanted to know more. But the third movie throws a bunch of sticks at its cast and, when that doesn't do the trick, it pulls its little micro penis out and starts waving it around for all to see. Movies like Jaws hide their dick until the end when they whomp their big ol monster cock out and it takes a big chunk out of their boat. Blair Witch is the equivalent of a thumb dick just sadly helicoptering in place. - DirectorJavier AguirreStarsPaul NaschyRosanna YanniHaydée PolitoffThe Transylvanian vampire searches for a virgin sacrifice to resurrect his long-dead daughter.After their carriage tire breaks free, four women and their traveling companions seek shelter at an abandoned sanitarium. Hosted by Dr. Wendell Marlow, they learn of the sanitarium's past including its previous own, Count Dracula.
I watched a dubbed version so part of the cheese factor could be the dubbed script, but, once Dracula is revealed, the voice actor for Paul Naschy is replaced by big booming voice man who almost seems to narrate everything in third person instead of speak as the character. It's a weird choice for sure. As menacing as they're supposed to be, I found the Brides to be rather comical as the script has them jumping in sync onto rooftops and struggling with pitchfork wielding peasant men. But the movie does have one thing going for it - lots of Spanish boobies that are damn near perfect. Whoever did casting must've had their work cut out for them, because every single actress features a lovely pair that get put to good use in various scenes. Other than boobs, it's a largely unremarkable film. - DirectorErlingur ThoroddsenStarsBjörn StefánssonSigurður Þór ÓskarssonGuðmundur ÓlafssonTwo men's broken relationship is tested as they are haunted by a supernatural entity awakened by their grief.