- [Commenting on Jim Henson's Muppets:] "He has the best possible actors. If you have a disagreement with them, you can always use them to wash your car."
- If people know your name, you're famous. If they only know your face, it doesn't count. It's the name. One reason I became Zero was so if I accomplished only a middle level of fame, I still wouldn't be a zero. If you know my name, how can I be a zero? Smart, huh?
- Jerome Robbins may be a talented choreographer, but he is no mensch. It's thanks to him and people like him that Jack Gilford and I and countless others were blacklisted during the McCarthy era. I never thought, during the 1950s, that someday I'd ever work with Jerome Robbins. I also never thought I'd work again, period.
- [on the success of "Fiddler on the Roof"] "You don't give awards to the show, you give the awards to ME!"
- The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.
- The heart is, truly, the source of love. The proof is that if you remove it from someone, they will almost certainly never love again.
- I wanted to say something about the universe. There's God, angels, plants... and horseshit.
- Laughter is a sense of proportion and a power of seeing yourself from the outside.
- When you've got it, flaunt it.
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