- In movies, when the hero outwits the guards and escapes the castle, the commander always shouts, "You fools! You let him get away! Don't just stand there! Go after him!!" For once I'd like to hear him say, "Well, fellas, you did your best. That's all that's important. Now get some well-deserved rest."
- You'd think after all this time, after so many centuries of publishing, that they would've come up with a word to replace 'non-fiction'. It's like calling automobiles 'non-horses'.
- When I was a kid and learned that glue used to be made from horses, I got worried that our duct tape was made from ducks.
- There's a big difference between not knowing what you're doing and knowing what you're doing is not the way to do it.
- I don't go in for fads, unless others do first.
- If a parallel universe does indeed exist, I believe it would be exactly like this one, except that Warren Beatty and Ned Beatty would've switched places.
- Why do movies that take place in the future always have staircases with no backs to the steps?
- It goes without saying that some things are better left unsaid.
- Why is it every time two people are handcuffed together in a movie, they hate each other?
- I think I need to move five minutes into the future. Because it seems like every time I finish using a restroom, the custodian comes in to clean it.
- One of my most serious goals in life is to look as comfortable in pajamas as Cary Grant.
- I've always wondered, if your poetic license expires, do you get poetic justice?
- I can't figure out why the world's top chess champions are always men, when there's not a man alive who can anticipate with any degree of accuracy what a woman's next move is going to be.
- Since the paranormal is so common nowadays, shouldn't we just start calling it normal?
- Of my friends I do not require any thought, belief or practice similar to my own, with the sole exception of equal respect.
- In movies, scientists can always be expected to state with great pride that aliens will attempt to communicate with us using advanced mathematics - numerical progressions and so forth. I think it's just as likely they'll try to talk to us by making silly faces, picking their noses and playing with their food.
- There's really no need to be afraid of the dark. Because the dark is probably just as afraid of us as we are of it.
- I consider myself a journeyman rookie, a well-seasoned newbie, a consummate amateur and a full-fledged, half-baked practitioner of extraordinary mediocrity.
- What exactly is wrong with being taken to the cleaners, anyway? I mean, it beats walking!
- Why do people who read a lot always describe themselves as 'voracious readers'? You'd think they'd have a bigger vocabulary, wouldn't you?
- The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you wake up one morning and find yourself on a pirate ship.
- Keep your friends close... and your enemies closer. But keep your friends of your enemies closer still. And while you're at it, keep your enemies of your friend's enemies even closer than that. In fact, keep your...oh forget it! Just invite everybody.
- I have a photographic memory. It's faded, cracked and curling up at the corners.
- Expressions you'll never hear on a movie set: "Okay, let's not make a production out of it!", "The pay stinks, but the hours are good!", and "What do I look like, your slave? Go get it yourself!"
- I wonder if there's even been a scene in a movie where a dinner at an English country estate doesn't contain snide innuendo, sidelong glances and awkwardness followed by someone saying, 'if you'll excuse me'.
- How can fate suddenly step in? If it's fate, it should already be in!
- Antibacterial soaps claim they kill 99.9% of bacteria. What if all the 0.1% that didn't get knocked off banded together for some payback?
- Has there ever been an auction scene in a movie that didn't involve someone bidding inappropriately and making a commotion?
- When all phones are smartphones, can we go back to calling them just 'phones' again?
- You know those short commercials which go "On this day in 1927 Charles Lindbergh was the first to fly solo across the Atlantic", or "On this day in 1989 the Berlin Wall came down"? Well, for once I'd like to hear the guy say, "You know, we looked and looked but couldn't find a single interesting thing that happened on this day".
- Let's be honest here. Did hot cakes ever really sell that well?
- Multitasking is nothing new. We used to call that being scatterbrained.
- Viewing goofs and reading trivia about a movie before you've seen it, is like watching sausages being made before you eat them: Ruins the experience.
- Mindfulness is all the rage now. You see it mentioned everywhere. Practice mindfulness, they say. Focus on what you're doing, the experts tell us. In other words, don't bring a magazine into the bathroom.
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