Animal Crackers (1930)

Capt. Spaulding : [Speaking directly at the camera] Well, all the jokes can't be good. You've got to expect that once in awhile.

Capt. Spaulding : Signor Ravelli's first selection will be "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping" with a male chorus.

Capt. Spaulding : One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say. Tusks. You try it some time.

Roscoe Chandler : Oh, simple: "tusks."

Capt. Spaulding : [shakes Chandler's hand] My name is Spaulding. I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Chandler. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about.

Capt. Spaulding : How much would you charge to run into an open manhole?

Ravelli : Just the cover charge.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, drop in sometime.

Ravelli : Sewer.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.

Capt. Spaulding : You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.

Capt. Spaulding : Why, you've got beauty, charm, money! You *have* got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now.

Ravelli : [while Ravelli is playing the same piano part over and over] Say, if you get near a song, play it!

Ravelli : I can't think of the finish.

Capt. Spaulding : That's strange and I can't think of anything else.

Ravelli : You know what I think, I think I went past it.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, if you come around again, jump off.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Capt. Spaulding : I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. Think! Think of the honeymoon! Strictly private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this. Well, maybe one or two. But, no men! I may not go myself.

[to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead]

Capt. Spaulding : You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of a girl I crave.

Capt. Spaulding : [Describing his trip to Africa] We took some pictures of the native girls; but, they weren't developed. But, we're going back again in a coupla weeks.

Capt. Spaulding : Now read me the letter, Jamison.

Horatio Jamison : [reading] "Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga..."

Capt. Spaulding : [correcting him] Hungerdunger.

[they say the "hung" syllable in unison]

Capt. Spaulding : Hoong.

Horatio Jamison : Hungerdunger.

Capt. Spaulding : That's it, Hungerdunger.

Horatio Jamison : [continues reading] "... care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick."

Capt. Spaulding : You've left out a Hungerdunger. You left out the main one, too. Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you, eh?

[pause]

Capt. Spaulding : All right, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead.

[Jamison nods and writes]

Capt. Spaulding : I tell you what you do, Jamison, I tell you what. Make it, uh, make it three windshield wipers and one Hungerdunger. They won't all be there when the letter arrives anyhow.

Horatio Jamison : [rushes quickly through what he's just written] "... Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger... and McCormick."

Capt. Spaulding : And McCormick.

Horatio Jamison : [reading] "Gentlemen, question mark."

Capt. Spaulding : [correcting him] Gentlemen, question mark? Put it on the penultimate, not on the diphthongic. You wanna brush up on your Greek, Jamison. Well, get a Greek and brush up on him.

Horatio Jamison : [reading] "In re yours of the fifth inst..."

Capt. Spaulding : I see.

Horatio Jamison : Now, uh... you said a lot of things here that I didn't think were important, so I just omitted them.

Mrs. Rittenhouse : Well!

Capt. Spaulding : Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

[suddenly tries to hit Jamison with his switch, but misses; he falls]

Mrs. Rittenhouse : [helps Spaulding up] Oh, Captain! Good gracious! Oh, my.

Capt. Spaulding : [to Jamison] So, you just omitted them, eh? You just omitted the body of the letter, that's all. You've just left out the body of the letter, that's all. Yours is not to reason why, Jamison. You've left out the body of the letter.

[pause]

Capt. Spaulding : All right, send it that way and tell them the body will follow.

[swings his switch indignantly]

Horatio Jamison : Do you want the body in brackets?

Capt. Spaulding : No, it'll never get there in brackets. Put it in a box. Put it in a box and mark it, uh..."fragilly."

Horatio Jamison : Mark it what?

Capt. Spaulding : Mark it fragilly. F-R-A-G... Look it up, Jamison, it's in the dictionary. Look under "fragile." Look under the table if you don't find it there.

Capt. Spaulding : Do you mind if I don't smoke?

[Spaulding has repeatedly told Jamison to take a letter to Spaulding's lawyers, but he has kept interrupting himself]

Capt. Spaulding : I say, take a letter to my lawyers!

Horatio Jamison : Well I am taking it!

[long pause, as nothing has yet been written]

Capt. Spaulding : Honorable Charles H., uh, Hungerdunger, care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick... semicolon.

Horatio Jamison : How do you spell semicolon?

Capt. Spaulding : All right, make it a comma.

[pause]

Capt. Spaulding : Honorable Charles. H. Hungerdunger, care of Hunger...

[rushes through the repetition]

Capt. Spaulding : ... and McCormick.

[pause]

Capt. Spaulding : Gentlemen, question mark?

[grunts]

Horatio Jamison : Do you want that, uh,

[grunt]

Horatio Jamison : in the letter?

Capt. Spaulding : No, put that in an envelope.

[pause]

Capt. Spaulding : Now then. In re yours of the fifth inst., yours to hand and beg to rep... brackets...

[pause]

Capt. Spaulding : ... We have gone over the ground carefully, and we seem to believe, i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu, that, uh, despite all our... precautionary measures which have been involved...

[pause]

Capt. Spaulding : ... uh, we seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed unless we, uh, receive an ipso facto that is not negligible at this moment, quotes, unquotes, and quotes...

[pause]

Capt. Spaulding : ... uh, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain...

Horatio Jamison : [interrupting] Hoping this finds him where?

Capt. Spaulding : Well, let him worry about that. Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison.

[insultingly]

Capt. Spaulding : Sneak.

[pause]

Capt. Spaulding : I say, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain, as of June 9th, cordially yours, regards. That's all, Jamison.

Mrs. Rittenhouse : Captain, this leaves me speechless.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, see that you remain that way.

Capt. Spaulding : How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away.

Mrs. Rittenhouse : Oh, Captain Spaulding...

Capt. Spaulding : I'll attend to you later.

[turns back to the litter-bearers]

Capt. Spaulding : Don't try and pull that...

Mrs. Rittenhouse : Oh, Captain Spaulding...

Capt. Spaulding : [she finally succeeds in getting his attention] Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've *ever* seen, and that's not saying much for you.

Mrs. Rittenhouse : Captain Spaulding, Rittenhouse Manor is entirely at your disposal.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, I'm certainly grateful for this magnificent washout - er, turnout. And now I'd like to say a few words.

[sings]

Capt. Spaulding : Hello, I must be going/I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going/I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going, la-la!

[Tries to leave, the guests stop him]

Mrs. Rittenhouse : [sings] For my sake, you must stay/If you should go away/You'd spoil this party I am throwing.

Capt. Spaulding : [sings] I'll stay a week or two/I'll stay the summer through/But I am telling you/I must be going

Capt. Spaulding : I used to know a fellow who looked exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli. Are you his brother?

Ravelli : I am Emanuel Ravelli.

Capt. Spaulding : You're Emanuel Ravelli?

Ravelli : I am Emanuel Ravelli.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, no wonder you look like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance.

Ravelli : Heh, heh, he thinks I look alike.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, if you do, it's a tough break for both of you.

[Jamison finishes reading the letter that Spaulding dictated to him]

Horatio Jamison : [reading] "Quotes, unquotes, and quotes."

Capt. Spaulding : That's three quotes?

Horatio Jamison : Yes, sir.

Capt. Spaulding : Add another quote and make it a gallon. How much is it a gallon, Jamison?

Horatio Jamison : Regards.

Capt. Spaulding : Regards. That's a fine letter, Jamison, that's an epic. That's dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just send a stamp, airmail, that's all. You may go, Jamison. I may go too.

Capt. Spaulding : [to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] What do you say, girls? What do you say? Are we all going to get married?

Mrs. Whitehead : All of us?

Capt. Spaulding : All of us!

Mrs. Whitehead : But, that's bigamy!

Capt. Spaulding : Yes, and it's big of me too.

[Dictating a letter]

Capt. Spaulding : Gentlemen... question mark.

Capt. Spaulding : Living with your folks... living with your folks... the beginning of the end... drab, dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows... hideous, stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty corridors of time... and in those corridors I see figures... straaange figures... weeeird figures: Steel 186, Anaconda 74, American Can 138.

Capt. Spaulding : Africa is God's country, and he can have it.

Capt. Spaulding : Say, how long has this been going on? Let's change the subject. Take the foreign situation. Take Abyssinia. I'll tell you, you take Abyssinia and I'll take a hot butterscotch sundae on rye bread.

Roscoe Chandler : Now tell me, Capt. Spaulding, you've been quite a traveler. What do you think about South America? I'm going there soon.

Capt. Spaulding : Is that so! Where're you going?

Roscoe Chandler : Uruguay.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, you go Uruguay and I'll go mine.

Capt. Spaulding : Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast?

Capt. Spaulding : Play that song about the Irish chiropodist.

Ravelli : Irish chiropodist?

Capt. Spaulding : "My Fate Is In Your Hands".

Guests : Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer!

Capt. Spaulding : Did someone call me schnorrer?

Guests : Hooray, hooray, hooray!

Horatio Jamison : He went into the jungle where all the monkeys throw nuts.

Capt. Spaulding : If I stay here, I'll go nuts.

Guests : Hooray, hooray, hooray! He put all his reliance / In courage and defiance / And risked his life for science.

Capt. Spaulding : Hey, hey!

Mrs. Rittenhouse : He is the only white man who covered every acre...

Capt. Spaulding : I think I'll try and make her...

Guests : Hooray, hooray, hooray!

Capt. Spaulding : [During a "Strange Interlude" monologue] Here I am talking of parties. I came down here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods look down and laugh. This would be a better world for children, if the parents had to eat the spinach.

Capt. Spaulding : If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell you what I really think of you two. You know, you're very fortunate the Theatre Guild isn't putting this on. And so is the Guild! Pardon me while I have a "Strange Interlude".

[Walks forward, speaks directly to the camera]

Capt. Spaulding : Why you, couple of baboons. What make you think I'd marry either one of you. Strange how the wind blows tonight.

Capt. Spaulding : Oh, Hives! Hives! Where are you? Turn on the lights.

Capt. Spaulding : Mrs. Rittenhouse, did you lose that fish again?

Capt. Spaulding : I can't understand what's delaying that coffee pot.

Capt. Spaulding : We three would make an ideal couple. Why you've got beauty, charm, money! You have got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now.

Mrs. Whitehead : The captain is charming, isn't he?

Mrs. Rittenhouse : I'm fascinated!

Capt. Spaulding : I'm fascinated, too. Right on the arm.

Capt. Spaulding : [Describing his trip to Africa] The elks, on the other hand, live up in the hills. And in the spring, they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole! What they're looking for is an alcohol.

Capt. Spaulding : The crooks! The crooks! They're escaping. Follow me men! Never mind the men, just the women!

Capt. Spaulding : Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you.

Capt. Spaulding : One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat, when...

Mrs. Rittenhouse : Smoking some meat?

Capt. Spaulding : Yes. There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood.

Capt. Spaulding : Mrs. Rittenhouse, ever since I met you, I've swept you off my feet.

Capt. Spaulding : Something has been throbbing within me. Oh, it's been beating like the incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle. Something that I must ask you.

Mrs. Rittenhouse : What is it, Capt.?

Capt. Spaulding : Would you wash out a pair of socks for me?

Capt. Spaulding : [On his knees] I love you, that's all. I love you. I've always thought of you.

[In walks Mrs. Whitehead]

Mrs. Rittenhouse : Capt., Mrs. Whitehead.

Mrs. Whitehead : I beg your pardon? I beg your pardon? Am I intruding?

Capt. Spaulding : Are you intruding? Just when I had her on the five yard line.

Capt. Spaulding : Now, Mrs. Rittenrotten.

Mrs. Rittenhouse : Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Capt. Spaulding : Yes, a slight error.

Capt. Spaulding : [In a monotone voice] No trains will be sold after the magazines leave the depot.

Capt. Spaulding : If I were a man, you'd resent that!

Capt. Spaulding : Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Capt. Spaulding : A more dastardly crack I've ever heard! I wish I was back in the jungle where men are monkeys.

Ravelli : Well, I tell ya Capt., you see, my idea of a house is something nice and a small and comfortable.

Capt. Spaulding : That's the way I feel about it. I don't want anything elaborate. Just a little place that I can call home and tell the wife I won't be there for dinner.

Ravelli : Well, look. All you gotta do is open the door, step outside and there you are.

Capt. Spaulding : There you are? There you are, where?

Ravelli : Outside.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, suppose you want to get back in again?

Ravelli : You had no right to go out.

Ravelli : Yeh, right there's the rooms. This is your room. This is a my room. And this is the maid's room.

Capt. Spaulding : Oh, I'd have to go through your room?

Ravelli : Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah, that's alright. I won't be in it.

Capt. Spaulding : Say, Ravelli, you, eh, you couldn't put the maid in your room, eh?

Ravelli : What makes you think I couldn't?

Capt. Spaulding : Well, there's going to be a lot of traffic in there. I can see that.

Capt. Spaulding : You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.

Ravelli : Ha-ha-ha!

[points at his feet]

Ravelli : Hey, I got pair of shoes!

Capt. Spaulding : [to Arabella and John] You know Conductor Hennessey, don't you?

Inspector Hennessey : Inspector.

Capt. Spaulding : Inspect her, yourself.

Capt. Spaulding : Pardon me Mrs. Rittenhouse, did you lose a fish?

Capt. Spaulding : Leave it to me! I'll throw some light on this subject.

[the lights go out]

Capt. Spaulding : [Dictating a letter] "Dear Elsie" - no, never mind "Elsie".

Horatio Jamison : Do you want me to scratch "Elsie"?

Capt. Spaulding : Well, if you enjoy that sort of thing, it's quite alright with me. However, I'm not interested in your private affairs, Jamison.

Capt. Spaulding : I haven't been on the case five minutes and there's another painting gone. I bet its not even five minutes. I bet its not over three.

[Searches his pants]

Capt. Spaulding : Now they've got my watch! This is going too far. It wasn't going and now its gone.

Capt. Spaulding : Now, if we can find the left-handed person that painted this, we'll have "The Trial of Mary Dugan" with sound.

Ravelli : Well, I saw that.

Police Inspector Hennessey : [to the Professor] Why don't you go home?

Signor Emanuel Ravelli : He's got no home.

Police Inspector Hennessey : Go home and stay home.

[Claps the Professor on the shoulder]

Police Inspector Hennessey : Your poor old mother sits there...

[silverware begins falling from the Professor's sleeve]

Police Inspector Hennessey : Sits there, night after --

[more silverware falls]

Police Inspector Hennessey : night after night --

[more silverware falls]

Police Inspector Hennessey : waiting to hear your steps on the stairs.

Signor Emanuel Ravelli : Ain't got no stairs.

Police Inspector Hennessey : And I can see a little light burning in --

[more silverware falls]

Police Inspector Hennessey : burning in the window.

Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding : No you can't, the gas company turned it off.

Police Inspector Hennessey : What I'm telling you is for your own good.

[more silverware falls]

Police Inspector Hennessey : And if you listen to me --

[more silverware falls]

Police Inspector Hennessey : you can't go wrong...

[a massive amount of silverware falls at once with a huge crash]

Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding : This may go on for years.

Police Inspector Hennessey : Now, there's just one thing --

[still more silverware falls]

Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding : I can't understand what's delaying that coffee pot.

[the Professor moves his arm, and a coffee pot falls from his sleeve]

Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding : Where's the cream?

Police Inspector Hennessey : [indignant] Well, you certainly surprised me!

Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding : Me too, I thought he had more than that.

Roscoe W. Chandler : Now tell me, Captain, ah, Chandler, ah, excuse me, Spaudling.

Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding : That's right. I'm Spaulding and you're Chandler. Let's have no more of that either.

Roscoe W. Chandler : All right.

Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding : It's bad enough being Spaudling.

Roscoe W. Chandler : Now tell me, Captain Spaudling... Spaulding is the name?

Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding : That's right, that's right. I'm Chan... I'm Spaulding.

Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding : [Speaking directly to the camera] Can I look at a program a minute? I might be the News Weekly for all he knows. Or Coming Next Week.

Capt. Spaulding : I don't like Junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school. I don't like Junior at all, as a matter of fact.

John Parker : Say, if we could find the fella who painted this picture, well, we'd have a pretty good clue.

Capt. Spaulding : What'd you say?

John Parker : I said, if we could find the fellow that painted this picture, we'd have a pretty good clue!

Capt. Spaulding : You just said that. What a dull conversationalist you turned out to be.

Capt. Spaulding : Play the song about Montreal.

Ravelli : Montreal?

Capt. Spaulding : I'm a Dreamer, Montreal.

Capt. Spaulding : You know, I've always had an idea that my retirement would be the greatest contribution to science that the world has ever known.

Capt. Spaulding : We go to court and get a writ of habeas corpus.

Ravelli : You gonna get rid of what?

Capt. Spaulding : [...] Haven't you ever heard of habeas corpus?

Ravelli : No, but I've heard of "Habie's Irish Rose."

[Groucho writhes in agony]

Capt. Spaulding : Did you ever see a tree like that?

Ravelli : Tree? Tha'ts-a spinach.

Capt. Spaulding : It can't be spinach. Where's the egg?

Ravelli : Well, it could be spinach. Look at all the sand laying around there.

Capt. Spaulding : You mean it's an old spinach custom? No, it's not that, Ravelli, anything but that.

Ravelli : No, Cap. That's all right. It's my mistake. It's my mistake. You know what that is? It's cole slaw.

Capt. Spaulding : Cole slaw?

Ravelli : Yeah, it's-a cole slaw.

Capt. Spaulding : Did you ever see a cole slaw like that?

Ravelli : Sure, look at this one.

[Ravelli shows Capt. Spalding his lip, making a pun on 'cole slaw' and 'cold sore']

Capt. Spaulding : I don't want any of your lip now.

Capt. Spaulding : [Parker picks up a painting] I tell you, it didn't take that long to find him.

John Parker : That's right, this is it!

Capt. Spaulding : Yeah, that's it, but which one is it?

John Parker : Captain, this is the one that was just taken from my room!

Capt. Spaulding : Well, we've got that back, maybe I got my watch back.

[checks his pocket]

Capt. Spaulding : Now the fob is gone! Well, I... still got the pocket. Anything I retain now is velvet... except the coat, that's Prince Albert.

Capt. Spaulding : [glances at the camera, breaking the fourth wall] Well, all the jokes can't be that good; you've got to expect that once in a while.

John Parker : Say, if we can find the fellow that painted this picture, well, we'd have a pretty good clue.

Capt. Spaulding : What did you say?

John Parker : I said, if we could find the fellow that painted this picture, we'd have a pretty good clue!

Capt. Spaulding : You just said that! What a dull conversationalist you turned out to be. Let me see that a minute, will you? Say, this is signed 'Beaugard'! There's the criminal: Beaugard!

Arabella Rittenhouse : No, Beaugard is dead!

Capt. Spaulding : Beaugard is dead? Then it's murder! Now we've got something!

Capt. Spaulding : This is either a left-handed painting or a vegetable dinner. Now, if we can find the left-handed person who painted this, we'll have 'The Trial of Mary Dugan' with sound.

Ravelli : Well, I saw that. Good-bye!

Capt. Spaulding : Now, you wait here. I'm gonna need you.

Capt. Spaulding : Ravelli, we have got to find the left-handed painting.

Ravelli : Yeah.

Capt. Spaulding : Now let's see. Now, in a case like this, the first thing to do is to find the motive. Now, what could have been the motive of the guys who swiped the Beaugard?

Ravelli : I got it: robbery!

Capt. Spaulding : Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you?

Ravelli : See, Cap, sit down. You understand? I got an idea how to find-a this painting. In a case like-a this that's-a so mysterious, you gotta get-a the clues. You gotta use-a the Sherlock Holmes-a method. Now you go about 'em like-a this: you say to yourself 'What happened?' Then the answer comes back: 'Something was stolen.' Then you say to yourself: 'What was stolen?' And the answer comes back: 'A painting.'

Capt. Spaulding : What are you, a ventriloquist?

Ravelli : Now you say to yourself: 'Where was this painting stolen?' And the answer comes back: 'In this house.' Now, so far, I'm right, huh?

Capt. Spaulding : Well, it's pretty hard for you to be wrong if you keep answering yourself all the time.

Ravelli : Now you go a little further and you say to yourself: ' Who stole the painting?' This is a very, very important question, Captain. You get-a the answer, you gotta the solution to the whole thing.

Capt. Spaulding : Especially if you find the picture.

Ravelli : Now you take all the clues, you put 'em together. Whaddaya got, huh?

Capt. Spaulding : A bread pudding.

Ravelli : No, here's what-a we got: something was stolen. Stolen where? In-a this house! Stolen by who? Somebody in this house! Now, to find the painting, all you gotta do is go to everybody in the house and ask them if they took it.

Capt. Spaulding : You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? You say you're going to go to everybody in the house and ask them if they took the painting? Suppose nobody in the house took the painting?

Ravelli : Go to the house next door.

Capt. Spaulding : That's great. Suppose there isn't any house next door?

Ravelli : Well, then of course, we gotta build one.

Capt. Spaulding : Suppose nobody in the house took the painting?

Ravelli : Go to the house next door.

Capt. Spaulding : That's great. Suppose there isn't any house next door?

Ravelli : Well, then of course, we gotta build one.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, now you're talking! What kind of a house do you think we ought to put up, huh?

Ravelli : Well, I'll tel ya, Cap. You see, my idea of a house is something nice and small and comfortable.

Capt. Spaulding : That's the way I feel about it; I don't want anything elaborate, just a little place I can call home and tell the wife I won't be there for dinner.

Ravelli : I see; you just want a telephone booth.

Capt. Spaulding : No; in that case, I'll get in touch with Chic Sale.

Ravelli : Now whaddaya say, uh... whaddaya say Cap, we build right about here?

Capt. Spaulding : Here?

Ravelli : Yeah, right about here.

Capt. Spaulding : Uh, I'd like something over here, if I could get it. I don't like Junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school. I don't like Junior at all, as a matter of fact.

Ravelli : All right, all right. we got something over there, and believe me, that's-a convenient. Ahh, that's-a very convenient. Why, look, all ya gotta do is open the door, step outside, and there you are.

Capt. Spaulding : There you are.

Ravelli : Yeah.

Capt. Spaulding : There you are, where?

Ravelli : Outside.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, suppose you want to get back in again?

Ravelli : You had no right to go out.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, don't do anything until I hear from you, will you? Say! Maybe that's the painting, down in the cellar!

Ravelli : 'Ats-a no cellar, that's the roof.

Capt. Spaulding : That's the roof, down there?

Ravelli : Yeah, you see, we keep-a the roof in the basement, so when the rain comes, the chimney don't get wet.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, uh... I'm going out and get X-rayed, I'll be back in a little while. I may be wondeful, but I think you're wrong, Ravelli.

Ravelli : Hey, wait, don't get excited. Come here. Now look: here's the rooms.

Capt. Spaulding : Those are the rooms?

Ravelli : Yeah. Right there's the rooms. This is your room, this is-a my room, and this is the maid's room.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, I'd have to go through your room?

Ravelli : [laughs] Ah, but that's all right! I won't be in it.

Capt. Spaulding : Say, Ravelli, you... you couldn't put the maid in your room, eh?

Ravelli : What makes you think I couldn't?

Capt. Spaulding : Well, there's going to be a lot of traffic in there, I can see that.

Ravelli : Well, whaddaya say? You ready to sign the lease?

Capt. Spaulding : Well, it's a little premature, I'd like to discuss it with my husband. Could you come back this evening, when he's home?

Ravelli : Hey, you married?

Capt. Spaulding : Well, I've got a girl as big as you are.

Ravelli : All right, get me one.

Capt. Spaulding : Don't get vulgar, Ravelli. Ravelli, how about the painting?

Ravelli : Oh, we take care of that, all right. Now I tell you what my idea is: I think the kitchen should be white; outside, green; inside, cerise with maroon...

Capt. Spaulding : The painting, I say! How about the painting, Ravelli?

Ravelli : All right! Whaddaya think I talk? It's painting the kitchen white, outside green, inside...

Capt. Spaulding : The painting! The painting that was stolen!

Ravelli : Stolen?

Capt. Spaulding : Don't you remember? Mrs. Rittenhouse lost a valuable Beaugard oil painting worth $100,000? Don't you remember that?

Ravelli : No, I'm a stranger around here, I don't remember that.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, what do you think I am: one of the early settlers? Ravelli, don't you remember Mrs. Beaugard lost a valuable Rittenhouse painting worth $100,000? Don't you remember that?

Ravelli : No, but I've seen you someplace before.

Capt. Spaulding : Well, I don't know where I was, but I'll stay out of there in the future.

Ravelli : Hey, Cap! It come to me like a flash! This painting wasn't stolen! Ha, you know what happened? This painting, Cap, has-a disappeared. Ah yes, disappeared. And you know what make it disappear? You'll never guess, Cap, what do you think make this painting disappear, eh? Moths! Moths eat it! Left-handed moths!

Capt. Spaulding : Go away! Go away, I'll be all right in a minute. Left-handed moths ate the painting, huh?

Ravelli : That's-a my own solution!

Capt. Spaulding : I wish you were in it. Left-handed moths ate the painting. You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.

Capt. Spaulding : Left-handed moths ate the painting, huh?

Ravelli : That's-a my own solution.

Capt. Spaulding : I wish you were in it. Left-handed moths ate the painting. You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.

Ravelli : [laughs] Hey, I gotta pair o' shoes!

Capt. Spaulding : [has a brief fit of frustration in response to the pun on "parachute" and "pair o' shoes] Mmh!

Ravelli : He's-a crazy.

Capt. Spaulding : Come on, let's go down and get the reward. We solved it, you solved it! The credit is all yours. The painting was eaten by left-handed moths!

Ravelli : Hey, you know, we did a good day's work.

Capt. Spaulding : How do you feel, tired? Maybe you ought to lie down for a couple of years, eh? Why don't you just lie down until rigor mortis sets in? Now look, Ravelli, I'll show you how we get the painting: we go to court, and we get out a writ of habeas corpus.

Ravelli : You're gonna get rid of what?

Capt. Spaulding : Oh, I should never have started that way, I can see that. I say-- I say, we'll go to court, and we'll get out a writ of habeas corpus.

Ravelli : Yes, a corpus, a corpus.

Capt. Spaulding : Didn't you ever see a habeas corpus?

Ravelli : No, but I see "Habea's Irish Rose".

[pun on "Abie's Irish Rose"; Spaulding howls at Ravelli's pun]

Capt. Spaulding , Ravelli , Horatio Jamison : [they walk in, singing] We will sing one song for my old Kentucky home, For my old Kentucky home, Far away... So far away.

Capt. Spaulding : [song ends] This program is coming to you from the House of David.

Mrs. Rittenhouse : And now, it is my privilege to reveal the masterpiece of François Jacques Dubois Guilbert Beaugard.

Capt. Spaulding : [imitating a railroad depot announcer] No trains will be sold after the magazines leave the depot.

Groucho Marx: Captain Geoffrey T. Spaulding

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