Monkey Business (1931)

Ben Taggart: Capt. Corcoran

Quotes 

• Groucho : Are you the floorwalker of this ship? I want to register a complaint.

  Captain Corcoran : Why? What's the matter?

  Groucho : Matter enough. You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o'clock this morning?

  Captain Corcoran : Who did that?

  Groucho : Nobody, and that's my complaint.

• Gibson, First Mate : Sir, I have to report there are four stowaways in the forward hatch.

  Captain Corcoran : Stowaways? How do you know there are four of them?

  Gibson, First Mate : Why, they were singing "Sweet Adeline".

• Captain Corcoran : [describing the stowaways]  One of them goes around with a black moustache.

  Groucho : So do I; if I had my choice, I'd go around with a little blonde.

  Captain Corcoran : I said, one goes around with a black moustache.

  Groucho : Well, you couldn't expect a moustache to go around by itself. Don't you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?

  Chico : Hey, sure it gets-a lonely. Hey, when my grandfather's beard gets here, I'd like it to meet your moustache.

  Groucho : Well, I'll think it over; I'll talk it over with my moustache. Tell me, has your grandfather's beard got any money?

  Chico : Money? Why, he fell hair to a fortune.

• Captain Corcoran : Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me.

  Groucho : Well, don't forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.

• Captain Corcoran : Gibson, have you been drinking again?

• Captain Corcoran : Hey, you!

  Groucho : Are these your gloves? I found them in your trunk. You girls can go to your rooms. I'll be down shortly.

• Groucho : I don't care for the way you're running this boat. Why don't you get in the back seat for awhile and let your wife drive?

  Captain Corcoran : I want you to know I've been captain of this ship for twenty-two years.

  Groucho : Twenty-two years, eh? If you were a man you'd go in business for yourself. I know a fella started only last year with just a canoe. Now he's got more women than you could shake a stick at, if that's your idea of a good time.