Horse Feathers (1932)
Chico Marx: Baravelli
Photos
Quotes
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Professor Wagstaff : In case I never see you again, which would add ten years to my life, what would you fellas want to play football?
Baravelli : Well, first we want a football.
Professor Wagstaff : Well, I don't know if we've got a football, but if I can find one, would you be interested? I don't want a hasty answer, just sleep on it.
Baravelli : I no think I can sleep on a football.
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Baravelli : [through speakeasy's door] Who are you?
Professor Wagstaff : I'm fine, thanks, who are you?
Baravelli : I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.
Professor Wagstaff : Well, what is the password?
Baravelli : Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.
Professor Wagstaff : Is it Mary?
Baravelli : Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.
Professor Wagstaff : She isn't? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see: Is it sturgeon?
Baravelli : Hey, you crazy. Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.
Professor Wagstaff : I got it. Haddock.
Baravelli : That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.
Professor Wagstaff : What do you take for a haddock?
Baravelli : Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a calomel.
Professor Wagstaff : Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel.
Baravelli : You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what's-a matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say, "Swordfish." Now I'll give you one more guess.
Professor Wagstaff : ...swordfish, swordfish... I think I got it. Is it "swordfish"?
Baravelli : Hah. That's-a it. You guess it.
Professor Wagstaff : Pretty good, eh?
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Professor Wagstaff : Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?
Baravelli : You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call 'em up on the telephone, then I send 'em my chauffeur.
Professor Wagstaff : Oh, have you got a chauffeur? What kind of a car have you got?
Baravelli : Oh, I no got a car, I just got a chauffeur.
Professor Wagstaff : Well maybe I'm crazy, but when you have a chauffeur, aren't you supposed to have a car?
Baravelli : Well I had one, but-a you see it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur so I sold the car.
Professor Wagstaff : Well that shows you how little I know. I would've kept the car and sold the chauffeur.
Baravelli : That's a-no good. I gotta have a chauffeur to take me to work in the morning.
Professor Wagstaff : Well if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?
Baravelli : He don't have to take me to work, I no got a job.
Professor Wagstaff : Baravelli, this is the finish: how much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
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Professor Wagstaff : [referring to the picture of the pin-up girl] Baravelli, is this your picture?
Baravelli : I don't think so. It no look-a like me.
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Jennings : What are you doing here?
Baravelli : Me? I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons.
Jennings : [to Connie] Since when are you taking singing lessons?
Baravelli : Since you came in.
Jennings : [to Wagstaff] What are you doing here?
Professor Wagstaff : I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes.
[to audience]
Professor Wagstaff : That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years.
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Professor Wagstaff : I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College.
Baravelli : That means nothing to me.
Professor Wagstaff : Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College.
Baravelli : Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long.
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Baravelli : There's a man outside with a big black moustache.
Professor Wagstaff : Tell him I've got one!
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Baravelli : Well, that's the last time we deliver ice unless you pay the bill.
Professor Wagstaff : How much do we owe you?
Baravelli : Two thousand dollars.
Professor Wagstaff : Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.
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Baravelli : I tell you what we do. I make you a proposition. You owe us two hundred dollars. We take two thousand and call it square.
Professor Wagstaff : That's not a bad idea. I tell you, I'll consult my lawyer and if he advises me to do it, I'll get a new lawyer. Why don't you forget about the money? Go to college, meet all the beautiful girls, get yourself a co-ed.
Baravelli : Hah! I got a co-ed. Last week for eighteen dollars I got a co-ed with two pair of pants.
Professor Wagstaff : Since when has a co-ed got two pair of pants?
Baravelli : Since I joined the college.
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Professor Wagstaff : Well, now that you're a college boy, here's your hat, here's your pennant, here's your coat. Alright, report for football practice in the morning. I want you to sign this agreement.
Baravelli : Hey, there's nothing on this paper.
Professor Wagstaff : That's alright. We'll fill in something later. Here, put your name on there, eh?
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Baravelli : You gotta brother?
Mullen : No.
Baravelli : You gotta sister?
Mullen : Yeah.
Baravelli : Well-a, you sister, she's a very sick man, you better come with us.
Mullen : Yeah? What happened to her?
Baravelli : She hadda accident in her automobile.
McCarthy : Ah, she has no automobile.
Baravelli : Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I don't-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.
Mullen : You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.
Baravelli : That's all right. We no gotta car. Come on.
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Biology Professor : The liver if neglected, invariably leads to cirrhosis. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis.
Baravelli : Sure. cirrhosis are red; so violets are blue; so sugar is sweet; so, so are you.
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Professor Wagstaff : Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?
Baravelli : That's easy! First is a captain, then is a lieutenant, then is a corpuscle!
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Baravelli : Oh, Professor, I no see you. What are you doing here?
Professor Wagstaff : Nothing, right now. But, I was doing alright until you came in.
Connie : Oh, so you know the Professor.
Baravelli : Sure. He put me in business. He got me on the football team.
Professor Wagstaff : Now all's I gotta do is get him off the couch!
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Preacher : Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
Connie : I do.
Preacher : Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Professor Wagstaff , Baravelli , Pinky : We do!
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Baravelli : [to Connie] Lady, I like you. You've got something, but I don't know what it is.
Professor Wagstaff : If he thinks I'm gonna tell him, he's crazy!
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Baravelli : [singing and playing piano] Everyone says I love you, the great big mosquito when he sting-a you, the fly when he gets stuck on the fly paper too, says I love you.
