Horse Feathers (1932)

Zeppo Marx: Frank Wagstaff

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frank : Anything further, Father?

  Professor Wagstaff : Anything further, Father? That can't be right. Isn't it anything farther, further?

• Professor Wagstaff : No doubt you would like to know why I am here. I came into this college to get my son out of it. I remember the day he left to come here, a mere boy and a beardless youth. I kissed them both goodbye. By the way, where is my son?

  [Looks around the room] 

  Professor Wagstaff : Young lady, would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise?

  [Young lady stands up, underneath, Zeppo rises] 

  Professor Wagstaff : So, doing your home work in school, eh?

  Frank : Hello, old timer!

• Frank : Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.

  Professor Wagstaff : My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

• Frank : Dad wants me to give you up. You know, you're interfering with my studies.

  Connie : Ha-ha-ha. He must think I'm terrible.

  Frank : But I think you're wonderful. You're beautiful.

  Connie : Are you making love to me?

• Frank : Dad, two of the greatest football players in the country hang out in a speakeasy downtown.

  Professor Wagstaff : Are you suggesting that I, the president of Huxley College, go into a speakeasy without even giving me the address?

  Frank : It's at forty-two Elm Street, but you can't go there. It's unethical. It isn't right for a college to buy football players.

  Professor Wagstaff : It isn't, eh? Well, I'll nip that in the bud. How about coming along and having a nip yourself. Or better still, you wait here.

• Frank : There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.

  Professor Wagstaff : There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her!

• Frank : Dad, this college has had a new president every year since 1888.

  Professor Wagstaff : Yeah.

  Frank : And that's the year we won our last football game. Now, I like education as well as the next fellow.

  Professor Wagstaff : Well, move over and I'll talk to the next fellow.

  Frank : But a college needs something else besides education. And what this college needs is a good football team and you can't have a good football team unless you have good football players.

  Professor Wagstaff : My boy... I think you've got something there.

• Professor Wagstaff : So! I caught you at last. Then you are fooling around with this woman. Oh, the shame of it! That I should live to see a son of mine try to take a dame away from his father!

  Frank : Dad, I can...

  Professor Wagstaff : Enough of this. You leave here immediately and I'll stay here and settle with this woman. And as soon as we're settled, we'll have you over for dinner. On second thought, I'll go with you. Come, follow me.

• Professor Wagstaff : Listen you bunch of butterfingered milk saps! The way you're playing you couldn't beat a girls basketball team. We've gotta win this game! You understand? Even if we have to use our star player, number 37. You remember her, don't ya? The quarterback gets the ball, goes around left end and make a lateral pass to the right guards.

  Frank : Hey, Dad...

  Professor Wagstaff : Wait a minute! Boys, if you can't beat that bunch of half witted goofs...

  Frank : Hey, Dad...

  Professor Wagstaff : What do you want?

  Frank : Well, you're talking to the wrong team.

  Professor Wagstaff : I know I am, but our team wouldn't listen to me!