- Dick Bronson: Mr. McGonigle, I've got to have some money.
- The Great McGonigle: Yes, my lad, how much?
- Dick Bronson: Two dollars.
- The Great McGonigle: If I had two dollars, I'd start a number two company.
- Dick Bronson: For two cents I'd quit.
- The Great McGonigle: [to Marmaduke] Pay him off!
- [Marmaduke gives him a two cent stamp]
- Cleopatra Pepperday: [after McGonigle takes a heavy fall] Marky, are you hurt?
- The Great McGonigle: [sarcastically] No, I had the presence of mind to fall on my head.
- The Great McGonigle: [after Baby Albert has splashed soup over him] I don't know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!
- Cleopatra Pepperday: [after Baby Albert throws McGonigles watch into a bowl of molasses] Oh, Albert! Look what you've done to Mr. McGonigle's watch! Oh...
- [the watch is shown sinking]
- Cleopatra Pepperday: Oh, I'm so sorry... Oh, Mr. McGonigle!
- The Great McGonigle: It's all right.
- Cleopatra Pepperday: He has such an impulsive nature.
- The Great McGonigle: Yeah, just like my own. Don't apologize. It's all right. It's just a little child... it's just a little child.
- Cleopatra Pepperday: Oh, he does the cutest things!
- The Great McGonigle: That he does!
- Cleopatra Pepperday: You should see him when no one's around.
- The Great McGonigle: Oh, I'd like to catch him sometime when...
- [Correcting himself]
- The Great McGonigle: Uh, SEE him sometime when no one's around.
- Cleopatra Pepperday: Oh, Albert, why did you do that?
- The Great McGonigle: [Mumbling to himself] Bet the minute hand won't be a bit of use after this!
- Cleopatra Pepperday: Mr. McGonigle, I hope he hasn't hurt your watch.
- The Great McGonigle: [Sarcastically] Oh, no, how could you hurt a watch by dipping it in molasses?
- Cleopatra Pepperday: Oh, he's never done that before.
- [She titters]
- The Great McGonigle: Well, I hope he doesn't do it again - not with this watch.
- The Great McGonigle: [In character in "The Drunkard," the play-within-a play] It ain't a fit night out for man or beast!
- Sheriff Walter Jones: When is Cleo gonna act in this show?
- The Great McGonigle: Oh, yes, yes, yes. She'll probably go on right after the epilogue.
- Marmaduke Gump: [after McGonigle falls off the stage] Are ya hoited?
- The Great McGonigle: No I'm not 'hoited'!