Janie Gets Married (1946)

Robert Benchley: John Van Brunt

Photos 

Quotes 

• John Van Brunt : [regarding marriage]  Ah, I'll give you just one tip. If you remember this you can't go wrong.

  Dick Lawrence : Yeah?

  John Van Brunt : Just look at the whole thing as if you were locked in a boxcar with a mad horse.

• Thelma Van Brunt : Poor Dick is such a baby.

  John Van Brunt : Oh, Dick is twenty-two, and he's been overseas, and those French girls aren't all dressmakers you know.

• John Van Brunt : [Dick is shaving in the bathroom; his father has been sent to speak to him about marriage]  Your Mother! Well, shaving?

  Dick Lawrence : [bemused]  Yeah...!

  John Van Brunt : That's good. That's fine. Nothing like a good shave, huh?

  John Van Brunt : [he sits]  Well, Dicky, my boy, seems you're getting married.

  Dick Lawrence : Yeah, that 's what I've been led to believe.

  John Van Brunt : Not nervous are you?

  Dick Lawrence : Why... no.

  John Van Brunt : Well, that's good. There's no need to be nervous. Really. Your Mother thought there might be certain things about marriage that you might not understand.

  Dick Lawrence : Well I, I suppose I've missed a few.

  John Van Brunt : She figured out that I might be able to, er enlighten you a little about, well, about marriage. That is to say, its pitfalls.

  Dick Lawrence : Pitfalls?

  John Van Brunt : Yes, the pitfalls. Yes, sir. Now, the first pitfall is, er, women! Women. They come with marriage, you can't avoid it.

  Dick Lawrence : That's right.

  John Van Brunt : And they're different from men.

  Dick Lawrence : Naturally.

  John Van Brunt : Yes, sir. The one thing you've got to look out for are the quirks.

  Dick Lawrence : About what?

  John Van Brunt : That's just the thing; you don't know about what. In a war, you know what you're fighting for. Marriage, you're fighting in the dark. Somebody's called it, "the Battle of the Sexes". Don't you believe it. There's no battle. It's all one-sided.

  Dick Lawrence : Yeah but Janie, Janie and I hardly ever fight, if that's what you mean.

  John Van Brunt : Oh, well, naturally, not before. But afterward...

  [he whistles] 

  John Van Brunt : Oh boy! I don't want to upset you, Dicky boy. But there will come times when you will want to cut her throat!

  John Van Brunt : [Dick cuts himself with the razor accidentally]  Oh, say, you are nervous, aren't you? Say you got quite a cut there. Just a minute. I once knew a man who cut himself like that and he bled for twenty-four hours.

  Dick Lawrence : But I'm getting married in two.

  Dick Lawrence : [applying a plaster]  You certainly are, son. There you go. Now you can get married.

  John Van Brunt : Now, where were we?

  Dick Lawrence : I was cutting Janie's throat.

  John Van Brunt : Oh, yeah. Now let's see. Know anything about horses?

  Dick Lawrence : A little but what...?

  John Van Brunt : Every little helps. D'you ever see a nervous, young filly, just before a race?

  Dick Lawrence : Yeah, but what's that got to do with women, with Janie and me?

  John Van Brunt : Everything. The least little thing can set them off.

  Dick Lawrence : How do you mean, "set 'em off"?

  John Van Brunt : Set 'em off. That's all I mean. And once they're set off... Brother! It's frightening at first. Later on, it gets terrifying.

  Dick Lawrence : What gets terrifying?

  John Van Brunt : The whole thing.

  Dick Lawrence : Yeah, but what are you getting at? I can't figure.

  John Van Brunt : Don't try to figure her. You'll get so snarled up, you'll lose your mind. Just expect the worst and you can't be disappointed. Well, I guess that covers almost everything. I'll go and get dressed now. Good luck, boy.

  Dick Lawrence : Thanks.

  John Van Brunt : [turning at the door]  I'll give you just one tip; if you remember this, you can't go wrong.

  Dick Lawrence : Yeah?

  John Van Brunt : Just look at the whole thing as if you were locked in a boxcar with a mad horse!