How to Marry a Millionaire (1953)
Lauren Bacall: Schatze Page
Photos
Quotes
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Schatze Page : What I'm trying to tell you , J.D., is that I've always liked older men. Look at Roosevelt, look at Churchill, look at that old fellow, what's his name, in "African Queen". Absolutely crazy about him!
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Schatze Page : I can't shack up with a dame I never met before and she's crazy too!
Pola Debevoise : You don't have to, if you don't want to. All I'm going to do is ask her to come up here. If you don't like her, that's the end of it.
Schatze Page : Is she class?
Pola Debevoise : Is she? Didn't I tell you she's been on the cover of "Harper's Bazaar" three times already?
Schatze Page : And she knows how to handle it?
Pola Debevoise : Well, let's see if she does
[on the phone]
Pola Debevoise : Loc?
Loco Dempsey : Yes.
Pola Debevoise : How much money you got?
Loco Dempsey : I've got a quarter.
Pola Debevoise : That's wonderful. Stop in on your way up here and pick up something for lunch for us.
Loco Dempsey : How many?
Pola Debevoise : Three.
Loco Dempsey : Okay, just as soon as I get something on.
[Pola hangs up the phone]
Schatze Page : Well there's a big contribution to a million dollar proposition. One whole quarter.
Pola Debevoise : Maybe, but she's awful clever with a quarter.
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Loco Dempsey : I wouldn't mind marrying a Vanderbilt?
Pola Debevoise : Or Mr. Cadillac.
Schatze Page : No such person. I checked.
Loco Dempsey : Is there a Mr. Texaco?
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Loco Dempsey : You don't think he's a little old?
Schatze Page : Oh, grow up, will you. Men with that much dough are never a little old.
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Pola Debevoise : I want to marry Rockefeller.
Schatze Page : Which one?
Pola Debevoise : I don't care.
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[repeated line]
Schatze Page : [to Tom Brookman] Just as soon as I finish this, I never want to see you again.
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Schatze Page : You wanna catch a mouse, you set a mouse trap. All right so we set a bear trap. Now all we gotta do, is one of us has got to catch a bear.
Loco Dempsey : You mean marry him?
Schatze Page : If you don't marry him, you haven't caught him, he's caught you.
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Schatze Page : We'd better put a check on that one. Nobody's mother lives in Atlantic City on Saturday.
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Schatze Page : Next thing you got to remember is the gentlemen you meet on the cold cuts may not be as attractive as the one you meet in the mink department at Bergdorf's.
Loco Dempsey : But he was cute, don't you think?
Schatze Page : Sure he was. But then I never met one of those gas pump jockey that wasn't.
Loco Dempsey : Is that what he is?
Schatze Page : You bet your life he is. I know those guys. I married one once.
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Schatze Page : The first rule is, gentlemen callers have got to wear a necktie!
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Schatze Page : Wait a minute I want to hear from Mr Filler-up. Just what would you estimate your fortune at?
Tom Brookman : Oh, about $200,000,000 I should imagine.
Schatze Page : Might that all be in cash?
Tom Brookman : I suppose I could dig up a couple of million in cash if I had to.
Schatze Page : And what might the rest be in?
Tom Brookman : Some oil, some airline stock, a little steel, some cattle down in Texas, a couple of coal mines in Alabama, a bit of real estate here and there, some automobile stock, the Brookman building and of course Brookman Pennsylvania.
Tom Brookman : [addressing the short order cook] Give me the cheque Mac
Tom Brookman : [as he peels off a $1000 bill from a roll of notes] Keep the change Mac
[Crashing of glass Schatze Page, Pola Debevoise and Loco Dempsey fall from their chairs at the counter in an unconscious state]
Tom Brookman : [as the three men raise their beer glasses] Gentlemen, to our wives
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Schatze Page : I was nuts about him. Know what he did to me. First he gave me a phony name. Second, he was already married. Third, the minute the preacher said amen, he never did another tap of work. Then he stole my TV set and gave it to a car hop. When I asked him about that, he hit me with a chicken.
Pola Debevoise : A live chicken?
Schatze Page : No, a baked chicken; stuffed.
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Schatze Page : The way most people go about it, they use more brains picking a horse in the third at Belmont than they do picking a husband.
Loco Dempsey : Do they really?
Schatze Page : It's your head you've got to use, not your heart.
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Schatze Page : A character straight out of character-ville.
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Schatze Page : One more hamburger would break him.
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Schatze Page : Following the ceremony, the party adjourned to a rather fashionable greasy spoon, where perfectly delicious dog burgers were served.
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Tom Brookman : Wouldn't you like me to put them in the kitchen?
Schatze Page : You'd better not. The cook's not dressed.
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Schatze Page : Well, you've got a crust!
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Schatze Page : Mine was one of those divorces you don't read about, the wife finished second.
Loco Dempsey : But, that's against the law, isn't it?
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Loco Dempsey : I'm surprise you ever want to get married again.
Schatze Page : Oh, but that's the point about this whole set up. Of course I want to get married again. Who doesn't? It's the biggest thing you can do in life.
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Schatze Page : That's it. We're all working steady, so we throw everything we make into the kitty and get a little organization to this marriage caper. Class address, class background, class characters. To be specific about it, nothing under six figures a year.
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Schatze Page : How about one of those rich maharajas?
Pola Debevoise : How about three of them!
Loco Dempsey : Wouldn't that be wonderful if we had three of them up for dinner and they all married us.
Schatze Page : Think of all those diamonds and rubies.
Loco Dempsey : And all those *crazy* elephants.
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Schatze Page : Here we are set up strictly for the carriage train and what do we get? You hook a schnook who takes you for a fin, I get an invitation to Hamburger Heaven for dinner, and Loc shows up every evening with a gentleman she's met in the drugstore - with five more shower caps and three quarts of aspirin tablets. And where do you think that's going to get us?
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Schatze Page : All we need, you know, is just one. That's the beautiful thing about a bear trap. You don't have to catch a whole herd of them. All you need is one nice, big *fat* one.
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Tom Brookman : I didn't realize who you were until I picked up an old magazine this morning.
Schatze Page : What do you mean?
Tom Brookman : You were Miss Steinbach Beer last year.
Schatze Page : Why, yes, I believe I was.
Tom Brookman : Isn't that's you jumping around in a girdle in all those ads in a magazine?
Schatze Page : I wouldn't exactly call it jumping around, I'm supposed to be dancing.
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Schatze Page : Oh, no, I know. No good at all.
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Loco Dempsey : I can meet somebody else up there, couldn't I?
Schatze Page : Who are you going to meet in Maine? Eskimos?
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Schatze Page : He doesn't even look single to me either.
Loco Dempsey : He's not.
Schatze Page : Then what are you wasting your time on him for?
Loco Dempsey : What else have I got? Unless you'd like me to lose him and join you and your friend?
Schatze Page : You do and I'll break your neck in front of this whole restaurant.
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J.D. Hanley : There's quite a party of us up from Texas.
Schatze Page : All men?
J.D. Hanley : Oh, some wives too. You met some of them this evening. The others went to a show. You know how the women are when they get to New York.
Schatze Page : I know.
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Schatze Page : The way I'm going to handle it, I'm not going to do any stalling at all with Mr. Hanley.
Loco Dempsey : What will you do, mother him?
Loco Dempsey : Oh, no. That's all right for kids. But, I don't think a mother's exactly what Mr. Hanley has in mind.
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Loco Dempsey : Who is he?
Pola Debevoise : I don't know that either. But, he hasn't mentioned anything under a million dollars yet.
Schatze Page : My guy's real class. Never mentions his wealth, just refers to it.
Loco Dempsey : All Mr. Brewster talks about is what a horrible family he's got. But, I'll say this for him, we haven't ordered anything yet under $5 a portion.
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Schatze Page : Has he got on a tie?
J.D. Hanley : No tie.
Schatze Page : And at a formal ceremony! You see what I mean?
J.D. Hanley : De gustibus non est disputandum.
Schatze Page : Well, you can certainly say that again.
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Pola Debevoise : What happened to all those rich zillionaires everybody was talking about?
Schatze Page : Oh, what always happens to rich zillionaires.
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Schatze Page : It's a sin and a shame.
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Schatze Page : It's no use, Tommy boy. Just as soon as I finish this horse burger, I never want to see you again.
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Justice of the Peace : Do I tell you how to put on a girdle?
Schatze Page : You bet your sweet life you don't!
Justice of the Peace : Then would you be good enough not to tell me how to run my business.
