- Mariette Larkin: You were born suspicious! I'll bet you made the doctor show his license before you let him slap your behind!
- Ma Larkin: He's like that. Ask him for the loan of his shotgun, without thinkin' twice, he'll give you both barrels.
- [referring to a pig the family borrowed for breeding that is being returned]
- Grant Larkin: Why's he have to be so ornery?
- Lee Larkin: Well you'd be ornery, too, if they took you away from your sweetheart.
- Grant Larkin: Not if she was a pig, I wouldn't.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: We didn't hurt the pig any. We're taking him back as good as new. Better! A gentleman always feels better after a little outing.
- [pats Ma's behind]
- Ma Larkin: Oh, fresh!
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: You see, the way Ma and I figure, a man who spends his time hoarding money, well, he's like a dog with a large plate full of bones. He's so busy snarlin' and snappin' at the other dogs, he'll like to stave to death himself. But, we enjoy what we have. We eat good. We sleep good. And we feel good.
- Lorenzo Charlton: Mr. Larkin, not only have you never once paid any income tax, but you've never even filed an income tax return.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: What's that, return?
- Lorenzo Charlton: Yes, one of these forms.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Well, I... well, I never got one. So how could I return it?
- Lorenzo Charlton: Mr. Larkin, I am an agent of the United States government. I'm here to talk to you about your income tax.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Hidey ho, what do you know? Hear that, Ma?
- Ma Larkin: A government man.
- Lorenzo Charlton: So you see, I can't take favors from taxpayers.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Who's a taxpayer? I never paid a tax in my life. Did I, Ma? Ask Ma. Did I?
- Ma Larkin: No, that's right, he never did.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Never.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: It must have a case of love at first sight. Just like you and me, huh, Ma?
- Ma Larkin: Look, here. Don't you go comparing us to a couple of pigs.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Don't you be so touchy.
- Ma Larkin: Careful, now. A boar's a dangerous animal, especially in the mating season.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Ma, every animal's dangerous in the mating season. You oughta know that by now.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Howdy-doodle-doo, Luisa. My, you're looking bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
- [turns her around and looks at her bottom]
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Hey, you knocked off some blubber didn't you.
- Luisa: Five pounds!
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Well, that looks good.
- David DeGroot: Wendell, what can I do? I'm a tax lawyer.
- Wendell Burnshaw: Why do you think I sent for you? These days, who has all the money he needs? You don't. I don't. Why? Income tax!
- David DeGroot: Well, granted, what does that got to do with it?
- Wendell Burnshaw: Every year those bureaucratic cut-throats drink my blood! In spite of you, in spite of my so-called friend in the Treasury Department, every year they bleed me dry!
- Oliver Kelsey: I don't like to ruin a man. We don't enjoy taking his stocks and bonds, selling his house and property. But, when a man shortchanges Uncle Sam, it leaves us no choice. Great or small, gentlemen, high-bracket, low-bracket, if Uncle doesn't get his cut - we nail your hide to the barnyard door.
- Lorenzo Charlton: Poppy!
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Huh?
- Lorenzo Charlton: We got a problem on our hands. She's ripe and ready, that girl.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Ah, Ma, she's just practicing. You know, like they say, practice makes perfect.
- Lorenzo Charlton: Too much practice takes the edge off the real thing.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: You know me, Ma, I'm all for the real thing.
- Lorenzo Charlton: Mariette's a good girl; so, we got nothing to worry about so far. But, I know the signs. It's time we got her a husband.
- Lorenzo Charlton: Mariette, you go change your clothes. A girl like you wearing pants!
- Ma Larkin: Mom!
- Lorenzo Charlton: Do what I tell you, hon.
- Lorenzo Charlton: Mr. Larkin, everybody who has a gross annual income of $600 or more has got to file an income tax return.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Well, that let's me out. All I got's a $183. The most money I've ever had in a couple of years.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin, Ma Larkin: No offense, but, you look down right seedy.
- Lorenzo Charlton: I suppose so.
- Mariette Larkin: It's that city air. Dirty's up your blood, hey Pop?
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Yup. I took one look at you laddie-buck, I said to myself, what he needs is a few days in the country.
- Ma Larkin: Oh, grand!
- Lorenzo Charlton: Just now out in the yard, I saw a big refrigerator in the truck. How much did that cost you?
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: One second-hand manure spreader.
- Lorenzo Charlton: How much did the manure spreader cost you?
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: About, 50 loads of manure.
- Lorenzo Charlton: And, Mr. Larkin...
- Mariette Larkin: It's A-1, first class manure. Pop gets it at the Dairy. First of all, it's screened and then it's aged and...
- Mariette Larkin: Maple's pregnant. Yeh, practically everything's pregnant. It's that time of year, you know? You can feel it in the air, can't you?
- Mariette Larkin: How can you live in a stinkin' city?
- Lorenzo Charlton: I work there! And I study law at night.
- Mariette Larkin: A lawyer!
- Lorenzo Charlton: Well, not for another year. Then, I'm off to Washington.
- Mariette Larkin: What for?
- Lorenzo Charlton: Experience. Contacts. In another four years I intend to run for Congress.
- Mariette Larkin: No kidding? How come?
- Ma Larkin: Hon, that kind of fish don't jump in your lap. You gotta bait the hook. Look, go put on your pink dress and use some of my new perfume, that "Orgee." I used some the other night and Pop nearly came unhinged.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Nearly? Mighty powerful.
- Mariette Larkin: Ma, it's not "Orgee," its: Orgy.
- Ma Larkin: [pronouncing it correctly] Orgy.
- Lorenzo Charlton: When a taxpayer shortchanges the government, its the same thing as if he shortchanged his own family. Why? Because the government belongs to everybody.
- Oliver Kelsey: What was that?
- Wendell Burnshaw: My pig! Perfectly normal pig, until the Larkin's got ahold of him. Now, he's a nervous wreck!
- Oliver Kelsey: What have they done to him?
- Wendell Burnshaw: Corrupted him. Turned him into a howling sex maniac. If they can do it to my pig, they can do it your birddog.
- Mariette Larkin: Good morning! How's my lovely little revenuer? Oh, you look kind of piqued. Well, that's the price you pay. I guess you're out of condition, huh? I'm only kidding. You were wonderful. Just wonderful! You better get some more sleep. After last night, you need it. I'll keep your breakfast warm.
- Mariette Larkin: [walks up and hugs Lorenzo] Now, now, now, Charlie. Don't act like a tax collector.
- Barney: Hi ya, Suger. What's the good word?
- Mariette Larkin: What do you want, Barney?
- Barney: Is that anyway to talk to a fella who comes over here to pay you a friendly visit?
- Mariette Larkin: Barney, take your paws off of me! I'm in a bad mood.
- Sidney 'Pop' Larkin: Let me tell you a little secret about women. Now, the reason they're called opposite sex is because when they start to holler, "I hate you," you can bet money, marbles or chalk that they mean the opposite. Food for thought, chum.
- Mariette Larkin: One look and I can size a person up. Take this fella I met. Right off I could tell what was the matter with him. A nice looking fella. Smart. Ambitious. But, so serious. Work, work, work! All day long. What he needs, I said, was somebody who could show him how to get some fun out of life. And, I said, I'm just the one to do it.
- Lorenzo Charlton: You know, You know what's wrong with you? You're inhibited.
- Mariette Larkin: Would you prefer the home spun type? Honey, lamb. Honey, sugar. Sweetie pie. Honey lamb. Suger plum!
- Lorenzo Charlton: No!
- Mariette Larkin: Maybe a career girl?
- [jumps on Lorenzo's lap]
- Mariette Larkin: May I take a letter, Senator. Any letter you care to dictate to me. From A to Z. You take it and I'll just run it down your throat.
- Lorenzo Charlton: Oh, cut out the monkey business and let me get on with my work. Please!
- Mariette Larkin: Well, what type do you like?
- Lorenzo Charlton: The silent, invisible type!
- Oliver Kelsey: If you let her get away, you are out of a job!
- Lorenzo Charlton: Mr. Kelsey, with your imagination, I think you know what you can do with my job, sir.
- Claims Officer: Take her to the FBI! Give her a loyalty check!