One, Two, Three (1961)

Leon Askin: Peripetchikoff

Photos 

Quotes 

• Borodenko : When will papers be ready?

  C.R. Macnamara : I'll put my secretary right to work on it.

  Mishkin : Your secretary? She's that blonde lady?

  C.R. Macnamara : That's the one.

  Peripetchikoff : [after conferring with the others]  You will send papers to East Berlin with blonde lady in triplicate.

  C.R. Macnamara : You want the papers in triplicate, or the blonde in triplicate?

  Peripetchikoff : See what you can do.

• Peripetchikoff : But if I defect, you know what they will do to my family? They will line them up against the wall and shoot them! My wife, and my mother-in-law, and my sister-in-law, and my brother-in-law.

  [pauses] 

  Peripetchikoff : Comrades, let's do it!

• C.R. MacNamara : You know something? You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.

  Peripetchikoff : Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.

• Otto Ludwig Piffl : Is everybody in this world corrupt?

  Peripetchikoff : I don't know everybody.

• Peripetchikoff : We have emergency meeting with Swiss Trade Delegation. They send us twenty car-loads of cheese. Totally unacceptable... full of holes.

• Peripetchikoff : No formula, NO DEAL!

  C.R. MacNamara : OK, NO DEAL!

  Borodenko : We do not need you! If we want Coca-cola, we invent it ourselves!

  C.R. MacNamara : Oh, yeah? In 1956 you flew a bottle of Coke to a secret laboratory in Sverdlosk. A dozen of your top chemists went nuts trying to analyze the ingredients. Right?

  Mishkin : No comment!

  C.R. MacNamara : And in 1958, you planted two undercover agents in Atlanta to steal the formula. And what happened? They both defected! And now they're successful businessmen in Florida packaging instant borscht. Right?

  Peripetchikoff : No comment!

  C.R. MacNamara : Last year you put out a cockamamie imitation "Kremlin-kola!" You tried it out in the satellite countries, but even the Albanians wouldn't drink it. They used it for SHEEP DIP! RIGHT?

  Mishkin : No comment!

  C.R. MacNamara : So either get down to business or get off the pot!

  Peripetchikoff : My dear American friend, if we are to live together in peaceful coexistence, there must be a certain amount of give and take.

  C.R. MacNamara : Oh, sure - we give and you take.

  Peripetchikoff : What is the matter - you do not trust us?

  C.R. MacNamara : No comment!

• Peripetchikoff : [trying to trade for Ingeborg]  Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible, two-tone.

  C.R. MacNamara : You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside?

  Peripetchikoff : Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1937 Nash.

• Peripetchikoff : Well, Comrades, what are we going to do? He's got it - we want it. Are we going to accept this blackmailing capitalist's deal?

  Mishkin : Let's take a vote.

  Peripetchikoff : I vote yes.

  Mishkin : I vote yes.

  Peripetchikoff : Two out of three. Deal is on!

  Borodenko : Comrades, before you get in trouble, I must warn you, I am not really from Soft Drink Secretariat. I am undercover agent assigned to watch you.

  Mishkin : In that case I vote no. Deal is off.

  Borodenko : But I vote yes!

  Peripetchikoff : Two out of three again! Deal is on!

• Peripetchikoff : Instead of dollars, you would accept three-week tour of Bolshoi Ballet?

  C.R. MacNamara : Please, no culture, just cash.

  Mishkin : The Ugly American!

• C.R. MacNamara : You've defected?

  Peripetchikoff : Is old Russian proverb: "go west young man."

• Peripetchikoff : While they are putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clock, we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon.

  C.R. MacNamara : Okay, so you guys may be the first to shoot a man to the moon, but if he wants a Coke on the way, you'll have to come to us.

• Peripetchikoff : I snitched Borodenko's secret police badge and had them both arrested.

  Otto : You betrayed your own comrades?

  Peripetchikoff : If I didn't do it to them, they do it to me.

  C.R. MacNamara : Is old Russian proverb.

  Otto : You're worse than he is.

  Peripetchikoff : Look my young friend. I don't want to be name dropper, but what do you think Kruschev did to Malenkov? What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky?

  Otto : Is everybody in this world corrupt?

  Peripetchikoff : I don't know everybody.

• C.R. MacNamara : Cigarette? Cigar?

  Peripetchikoff : Here, take one of these.

  C.R. Macnamara : Thanks. Hm, 'Made in Havana'.

  Peripetchikoff : We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets.

  C.R. Macnamara : Good thinking.

• Peripetchikoff : Is old Russian proverb: you cannot milk cow with hands in pockets.

• Otto : Look, commissar, you must help me and my wife get into the Soviet zone.

  Peripetchikoff : There may be a little problem.

  C.R. MacNamara : Yeah, everybody's coming this way. Fifteen hundred people a day. You wanna fight all that traffic?

• C.R. MacNamara : Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis.

  Peripetchikoff : Royalty? In Russia we do not have royalty - not since we liquidate the czar.

• Otto : [Pulls out a card]  I'm a party member. Paid up 'til December. They need me there. I'm a missile scientist.

  Peripetchikoff : Ah, that is one thing where we're ahead of America. In Cape Canaveral if missile goes wrong, they press special button and Pow! It blows up. But in Russia, we have two buttons.

  Otto : [Smiling]  Two buttons?

  Peripetchikoff : One to blow up missile, one to blow up scientist.

• C.R. MacNamara : Cigarette, cigar?

  Peripetchikoff : Here, take one of these.

  C.R. MacNamara : Thanks. Hmmm. Made in Havana.

  C.R. MacNamara : We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets.

  C.R. MacNamara : Good thinking. Now, I understand from comrade Mishkin that you guys are very keen on getting Coca Cola into Russia.

  Mishkin : Is totally wrong. I did not say we are keen. I said we are mildly interested.

  C.R. MacNamara : Nevertheless... .

  [coughs] 

  C.R. MacNamara : You know something. You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.

  Peripetchikoff : Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.

• [MacNamara is attempting to negotiate a deal with the members of the Russian delegation. The three of them are shown whispering something to each other. After a few seconds, Peripetchikoff looks over at MacNamara] 

  Peripetchikoff : Alright, we agree in principle. You supply the syrup.

  C.R. MacNamara : Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis.

  Peripetchikoff : Royalty? In Russia we do not have royalty, not since we liquidate the Tsar.