One, Two, Three (1961)

Hanns Lothar: Schlemmer

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Quotes 

• C.R. MacNamara : Scarlet!

  Scarlet : What's all the excitement?

  C.R. MacNamara : Oh nothing... you just scared the hell out of us! You alright?

  Scarlet : I'm just, marvy.

  C.R. MacNamara : What were you doing in East Berlin?

  Scarlet : You mean last night?

  C.R. MacNamara : I mean *all* those night?

  Scarlet : You see, there's this boy over there. Wow!

  C.R. MacNamara : What boy? What have you been up to?

  Scarlet : Well, I met him about six weeks ago. I went into East Berlin and there was this parade and they wanted to arrest me.

  C.R. MacNamara : Arrest you?

  Scarlet : Because I was taking pictures. And then there was this boy -- he was in the parade, he said to the police man I shouldn't be arrested, I should be pitied, because I was a typical bourgeois parasite and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization. So naturally, I fell in love with him.

  C.R. MacNamara : [nods and smiles sarcastically]  Naturally.

  Scarlet : [holds up a photograph]  Want to see his picture?

  C.R. MacNamara : Not particularly.

  Scarlet : No, I want your honest opinion.

  [MacNamara takes the photograph and looks at it. The picture consists of someone carrying a large picture of Nikita Khrushchev] 

  Scarlet : Isn't he beautiful?

  C.R. MacNamara : [double takes as he tries to understand what he's seeing]  You fell in love with Khrushchev!

  Scarlet : No silly, the one that's carrying Khruschev. His name's Otto.

  [the office door opens and Schlemmer enters. He walks up to MacNamara and clicks his heels] 

  Schlemmer : I finally got East Berlin on the phone and just like I told you, wrong number.

  Scarlet : [to Schlemmer]  Hi there.

  C.R. MacNamara : [hands Scarlet the photograph]  Now you and this Otto, exactly what do you do when you're together?

  Scarlet : Oh, all kinds of goodies. I wash his shirts and he broadens my mind. And if it's a warm night, we go lie on the roof and watch the Sputniks go by.

  C.R. MacNamara : Is that all?

  Scarlet : Well, last night we were blowing up balloons.

  C.R. MacNamara : Balloons?

  Scarlet : You know...

  [Scarlet produces a balloon and begins to inflate it] 

  Schlemmer : It is a Communist trick. When the wind is right, they float them across to undermine our morale.

  [Scarlet finishes inflating the balloon, which MacNamara takes to look at. On the front of the balloon, are three words, which read: "Yankee Go Home"] 

  C.R. MacNamara : [with shock]  Yankee Go Home!

  Scarlet : They come in all colors. Green, and yellow, and blue.

  C.R. MacNamara : You've been helping this guy to spread anti-American propaganda!

  Scarlet : It's not anti-American, it's anti-Yankee. Where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees.

  Schlemmer : I have a good mind to change this to "Russki Go Home", and when the wind blows the other way...

  C.R. MacNamara : [hands the balloon to Schlemmer]  Okay! Okay!

• C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, I want all those people out there to drop everything and stand by for orders! General alarm, complete mobilization!

  Schlemmer : Ah, like the good old days, yes, sir!

• [But later, Schlemmer recognizes the reporter Untermeyer (played by Til Kiwe)] 

  Schlemmer : Herr Oberleutnant!

  C.R. MacNamara : You two know each other?

  Schlemmer : He was my commanding officer.

  C.R. MacNamara : In the subway?

  Schlemmer : No, after that, when I was drafted.

  C.R. MacNamara : Aha! Gestapo!

  Schlemmer : No, no, SS.

• C.R. MacNamara : Just between us, Schlemmer, what did you do during the war?

  Schlemmer : I was in der Untergrund: the underground.

  C.R. MacNamara : Resistance fighter?

  Schlemmer : No, motorman. In the underground, you know, the subway.

• C.R. MacNamara : [Schlemmer has returned from East Berlin wearing Ingeborg's dress]  Schlemmer!

  Schlemmer : Yes, sir? I'm sorry I didn't shave this morning.

  Ingeborg : Look at my dress! It's ruined!

  C.R. MacNamara : Did you have any trouble getting out of East Berlin?

  Schlemmer : No, but I had a little trouble in West Berlin. I was picked up by an American soldier in a Jeep. He was very fresh, wanted to take my picture for something called "Playboy?"

• C.R. MacNamara : No, don't pack his old clothes!

  Schlemmer : What shall we do with them?

  C.R. MacNamara : Burn them! But first have them disinfected!

• C.R. MacNamara : Of course you were anti-Nazi and you never liked Adolf.

  Schlemmer : Adolf who?

• C.R. MacNamara : [On Schlemmer's constant clicking of heels at attention]  That old Gestapo training, huh?

  Schlemmer : Please, Mr. MacNamara, you must not say that. It is not true.

• Schlemmer : They absolutely will not permit us to install a Coke machine in the Reichstag.

  C.R. MacNamara : Hmmm. Sometimes I wonder who won the war.

• C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, how can we find out what happened to her? Can we get any information from East Berlin?

  Schlemmer : Only through official channels, in triplicate.

  C.R. MacNamara : What if we just picked up the phone and phone the authorities over there?

  Schlemmer : It is not that easy.

  C.R. MacNamara : Why not?

  Schlemmer : There is no direct phone service to East Berlin. You have to call Stockholm, from there go through Warsaw to Leipzig, then to East Berlin. And then nine times out of 10 you get the wrong number.

  C.R. MacNamara : Try it anyway.

  Schlemmer : [Clicks his heels]  Yes, sir.

• Schlemmer : [Clicks his heels]  Good morning, Mr. MacNamara.

  C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, how many times have I told you? I don't want those people standing at attention every time I come into the office.

  Schlemmer : [Clicks his heels]  I know. I've given strict orders.

• [MacNamara can be seen arriving at work. As he enters, all his employees rise up and stand at attention] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer!

  [a door opens and Schlemmer enters. He shouts something in German and everyone sits down again] 

  Schlemmer : [With embarrassment]  I'm sorry, I will keep them after hours practicing.

  C.R. MacNamara : Never mind that, my chauffer didn't show up this morning.

  Schlemmer : Fritz? I will find out what happened to him.

  C.R. MacNamara : I don't care what happened to him, find out what happened to my car!

  Schlemmer : Jawohl!

  [Schlemmer clicks his heels. Without looking at him, MacNamara gives an annoyed look] 

  Schlemmer : [With more embarrassment]  Oh, I'm sorry. While they are practicing not standing, I will practice not clicking my heels.

• [MacNamara can be seen in his office. At some point, the sound of a door opening can be heard. Seconds later, Schlemmer comes into view and clicks his heels] 

  C.R. MacNamara : [Somewhat annoyed]  What is it, Schlemmer?

  Schlemmer : It is the overseas operator, you are to stand by for a call from Atlanta, Georgia.

  C.R. MacNamara : Atlanta? They must've gotten my teletype. I bet they're all worked about the Russian deal.

  Schlemmer : It went good?

  C.R. MacNamara : [Points at a map with his cane]  Good? Look at this, Schlemmer. All virgin territory. 300 million thirsty comrades. Volga Boatmen and Cossacks. Ukrainians and Outer Mongolians. Panting for the paws of refreshments. Do you realize what it means if I can put this across?

  Schlemmer : The stock will go up?

  C.R. MacNamara : I'll go up! To the number one job, head of all European Operations. Headquarters in London.

  Schlemmer : [Clicks his heels]  May I be the first to congratulate you?

  C.R. MacNamara : Should've had that job five years ago. I was all set for it, even bought myself an umbrella. But I got loused up by Benny Goodman.

  Schlemmer : Benny Goodman?

  C.R. MacNamara : I was in charge of the whole Middle East. Nine countries, fifteen bottling plants, all facing Mecca. Well Goodman and his band were coming through on a goodwill tour for the State Department. Thirty thousand people showed up for the concert, but Benny didn't, because his plane was delayed by a sandstorm. So the mob rioted and marched on the American Embassy. So the police turned them back. So they burned down the Coca-Cola Plant.

  [Schlemmer shakes his head] 

  C.R. MacNamara : You know it. There was a big rhubarb at the home office, and suddenly, I was in the dog house! Exiled to South America! Schlepping that syrup over the Andes! On Llamas yet! While a bunch of crewcut kids were being promoted over my head!

  Schlemmer : But you are in Berlin now, this is not the doghouse.

  C.R. MacNamara : Yeah... I used to have nine countries, now I've got half a city, and that may blow up any day. But...

  [MacNamara suddenly laughs and gets optimistic] 

  C.R. MacNamara : MacNamara rides again! I'll be the whitehaired boy now! I'm going all the way!

• [MacNamara has just finished talking to his wife over the phone regarding Scarlett's whereabouts. Upon looking towards the office door, he sees Schlemmer talking to Fritz. After a few seconds, they both look at MacNamara] 

  Schlemmer : I think we are getting some place, we found Fritz.

  [Both click their heels] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Fritz? To hell with Fritz! It's the girl we're looking for now!

  Schlemmer : Precisely. He has some information.

  [MacNamara walks over to them] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Where is she?

  Fritz : I do not know. Not precisely. But last night, I dropped her at the Brandenburg Gate.

  C.R. MacNamara : Brandenburg Gate? Why?

  Fritz : Because that is where I drop her every night, and that is where I pick her up every morning.

  C.R. MacNamara : [With surprise]  How long has this been going on?

  Fritz : Since last month. Usually I get her back to the house before you wake up. But this morning I wait for her and I wait...

  C.R. MacNamara : You mean you've been helping her sneak out behind my back?

  Fritz : Yes sir, but I have a very good excuse.

  C.R. MacNamara : What?

  Fritz : She pays me a hundred marks a night. Fifty for driving her, fifty for not telling you.

  Schlemmer : [Looks at MacNamara]  Do I have your permission to fire him?

  C.R. MacNamara : Not yet.

  [MacNamara looks at Fritz again] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Now let's go step by step. After you drop her at the Brandenburg Gate, what does she do?

  Fritz : She crosses the border into East Berlin.

  C.R. MacNamara : [Processes this as he realizes what's been happening]  East Berlin?

  Fritz : That is why I'm so worried, because this morning, she did not come back.

  C.R. MacNamara : *You're worried?* I'm going down in flames and he's worried!

• [Scarlett and Otto are beginning to leave MacNamara's office when the latter comes in looking rather gleeful] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Wait a minute, kids! Before you go, I'd like to give you a little present.

  Otto : Why?

  C.R. MacNamara : It's customary when two people get married!

  [MacNamara walks over to a nearby cabinet, which he opens and pulls out a cocktail mixer] 

  Scarlet : Otto's friends didn't give us any presents, instead, they sent the money to the unemployed cotton pickers of Mississippi.

  C.R. MacNamara : [Holds up the mixer]  How about a cocktail shaker? No, I guess not.

  [Sets the shaker down when an idea suddenly comes to mind. He grins gleefully] 

  C.R. MacNamara : I know...

  [Points to his clock and removes it from the wall. As he does this, we walks over to his desk] 

  C.R. MacNamara : A cuckoo clock. Hand made by dwarves in the Black Forest!

  Otto : So now they're exploiting dwarves!

  C.R. MacNamara : I'm sorry I haven't got any fancy wrapping paper!

  [MacNamara picks up his edition of the "Wall Street Journal" and uses it to wrap the cuckoo clock] 

  Otto : We do not want anything from you!

  Scarlet : Otto, don't be rude, I think it's very sweet of Mr. MacNamara. Now we'll have a bed and a clock.

  Otto : We will get our own clock in Russia.

  C.R. MacNamara : [Holds up the clock and approaches Otto and Scarlett]  If your clocks don't run any better than your trains, you might as well take this one!

  Otto : [Takes the clock and smirks]  You laugh at us now, but not for long. Because you're arrogant, and fat, and bloated! The worms will have a picnic!

  Schlemmer : See ya on the barricades pal!

  [Otto puts his hat on and opens the door to leave. As he heads out, he stops to wait for Scarlett] 

  Scarlet : [Looks at MacNamara]  When the day comes, I'll put in a good word for you.

  Otto : Scarlett!

  Scarlet : It's my parents I feel sorry for, it's too late to save them. Otto says they'll have to be liquidated. Bye.

  [Scarlett waves before turning to leave with Otto. MacNamara watches them leave before shutting the door and heading over to his office window. He looks down and sees Schlemmer putting a balloon on the exhaust pipe of Otto's motorcycle] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer!

  [Schlemmer looks up towards the office window to see MacNamara] 

  C.R. MacNamara : [Points towards the front door]  Hurry up!

  [Schlemmer looks towards the front door to see Otto and Scarlett coming. With that, he finishes putting the balloon on the pipe and moves out of the way as Otto and Scarlett come outside. Otto walks up to his motorcycle while Scarlett heads towards MacNamara's car, where Fritz is waiting. As this is going on, Schlemmer hurries back inside] 

  Otto : [Kisses Scarlett]  Auf wiedersehen, Leibchen.

  Scarlet : Auf wiedersehen.

  [Scarlett gets in the car. Otto watches her leave before he puts the clock in the sidecar of his motorcycle. A few seconds after starting it up, the exhaust begins to fill the balloon, which is shown to read "Russki Go Home." As Otto begins to drive off, MacNamara watches this gleefully. Seconds later, Schlemmer arrives in the office and clicks his heels] 

  C.R. MacNamara : [gleefully]  Good boy, Schlemmer!

  Schlemmer : Yes sir. Is there anything else you wish me to do?

  C.R. MacNamara : No thanks, we can just sit back now and let the East German Police finish the job.

  Schlemmer : Pardon me, I must be very stupid, but I do not understand any of this.

  C.R. MacNamara : There's nothing to it. All it takes is a little knowledge of physics and elementary psychology.

  [as MacNamara is talking, the camera fades to show Otto on his motorcycle, driving through West Berlin. What MacNamara describes occurs as follows] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Right now, Comrade Otto, Ludwig, Piffl, is tootling along on his motorcycle toward East Berlin. Gay, chipper, feeling like a million rubles. Little does he know that meanwhile, back at the exhaust, the fumes are filling the balloon. It gets bigger, and bigger. And all the time in the side car, a little booby trap is ticking away. Now if my calculations are correct, all these things will begin to pay off once he passes through the Brandenburg Gate.

• C.R. MacNamara : Now uh... what time are you kids leaving?

  Scarlet : Seven o'clock on the Moscow Express.

  Otto : Why do you want to know?

  C.R. MacNamara : [Sarcastically]  Because I'm gonna dynamite the train! What makes you guys so suspicious?

  Scarlet : I'd better get back to the house and start packing. You think I ought to take both my mink coats?

  Otto : Darling, no woman should have two mink coats until every woman in the world has one mink coat.

  C.R. MacNamara : Why don't you cut the other one up and make him a pair of shorts? I hear it's freezing there all the time!

  Schlemmer : [Whispering]  Thirty below zero.

  Otto : Fascist lies!

  Scarlet : You'd better go home and pack too, darling.

  Otto : It will take me no time. Just my chessboard, my extra shirt, and two hundred books.

  C.R. MacNamara : Well as long as smiley here is going back to East Berlin, I'll get the car for you.

  [MacNamara looks at Schlemmer] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, will you run downstairs and tell Fritz he'll have to take Scarlet home?

  [as the two of them begin to walk off, MacNamara puts his hand on Schlemmer's shoulder] 

  Schlemmer : [Whispering]  You are letting her go to Moscow?

  C.R. MacNamara : [Whispering]  In a pig's eye.

  [MacNamara smiles as he and Schlemmer continue walking] 

  C.R. MacNamara : [Whispering]  Now look, his motorcycle is downstairs. Remember that idea you had about the balloon?

• [MacNamara is simultaneously talking on two telephones in his office while Schlemmer watches] 

  Schlemmer : Trouble?

  C.R. MacNamara : I wish I were in hell with my back broken!

• [MacNamara has arrived in his office. He heads to the desk and picks up a newspaper] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer!

  [a door opens and Schlemmer enters] 

  Schlemmer : Good morning, Mr. MacNamara.

  [Schlemmer smiles and clicks his heels] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, how many times I have I told you I don't want those people standing at attention every time I come into the office?

  Schlemmer : I know, I've given strict orders.

  [Clicks his heels again] 

  C.R. MacNamara : Can't they get it through their Prussian heads? They're living in a democracy now!

  Schlemmer : That is the trouble, in the old days if I ordered them to sit they would sit. Now with a democracy, they do what they want. What they want is to stand!