One, Two, Three (1961)
Pamela Tiffin: Scarlett Hazeltine
Photos
Quotes
-
Scarlet : Do you realize that Otto spelled backwards is Otto?
Phyllis MacNamara : How about that?
Scarlet : You'll like him. He looks just like Jack Kennedy, only he's younger and he has more upstairs.
Phyllis MacNamara : More brains?
Scarlet : More *hair*. And of course, ideologically, he's much sounder.
Phyllis MacNamara : Maybe we voted for the wrong man.
Scarlet : That couldn't happen in Russia.
Phyllis MacNamara : They don't make mistakes.
Scarlet : They don't *vote*.
-
C.R. MacNamara : Scarlet!
Scarlet : What's all the excitement?
C.R. MacNamara : Oh nothing... you just scared the hell out of us! You alright?
Scarlet : I'm just, marvy.
C.R. MacNamara : What were you doing in East Berlin?
Scarlet : You mean last night?
C.R. MacNamara : I mean *all* those night?
Scarlet : You see, there's this boy over there. Wow!
C.R. MacNamara : What boy? What have you been up to?
Scarlet : Well, I met him about six weeks ago. I went into East Berlin and there was this parade and they wanted to arrest me.
C.R. MacNamara : Arrest you?
Scarlet : Because I was taking pictures. And then there was this boy -- he was in the parade, he said to the police man I shouldn't be arrested, I should be pitied, because I was a typical bourgeois parasite and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization. So naturally, I fell in love with him.
C.R. MacNamara : [nods and smiles sarcastically] Naturally.
Scarlet : [holds up a photograph] Want to see his picture?
C.R. MacNamara : Not particularly.
Scarlet : No, I want your honest opinion.
[MacNamara takes the photograph and looks at it. The picture consists of someone carrying a large picture of Nikita Khrushchev]
Scarlet : Isn't he beautiful?
C.R. MacNamara : [double takes as he tries to understand what he's seeing] You fell in love with Khrushchev!
Scarlet : No silly, the one that's carrying Khruschev. His name's Otto.
[the office door opens and Schlemmer enters. He walks up to MacNamara and clicks his heels]
Schlemmer : I finally got East Berlin on the phone and just like I told you, wrong number.
Scarlet : [to Schlemmer] Hi there.
C.R. MacNamara : [hands Scarlet the photograph] Now you and this Otto, exactly what do you do when you're together?
Scarlet : Oh, all kinds of goodies. I wash his shirts and he broadens my mind. And if it's a warm night, we go lie on the roof and watch the Sputniks go by.
C.R. MacNamara : Is that all?
Scarlet : Well, last night we were blowing up balloons.
C.R. MacNamara : Balloons?
Scarlet : You know...
[Scarlet produces a balloon and begins to inflate it]
Schlemmer : It is a Communist trick. When the wind is right, they float them across to undermine our morale.
[Scarlet finishes inflating the balloon, which MacNamara takes to look at. On the front of the balloon, are three words, which read: "Yankee Go Home"]
C.R. MacNamara : [with shock] Yankee Go Home!
Scarlet : They come in all colors. Green, and yellow, and blue.
C.R. MacNamara : You've been helping this guy to spread anti-American propaganda!
Scarlet : It's not anti-American, it's anti-Yankee. Where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees.
Schlemmer : I have a good mind to change this to "Russki Go Home", and when the wind blows the other way...
C.R. MacNamara : [hands the balloon to Schlemmer] Okay! Okay!
-
Scarlet : So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R. That's short for Russia.
C.R. MacNamara : Are you out of your seventeen-year-old mind? Russia is to get out of, not to get into!
-
Otto : Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. It shines, but it stinks.
Scarlet : [to MacNamara] He talks like that all the time.
[to Otto]
Scarlet : Tell him about Coca-Cola Colonialism.
Otto : As Chairman Khrushchev said on the 40th anniversary of the revolution...
C.R. MacNamara : [Interrupting] To hell with the revolution and to hell with Khrushchev!
Otto : [Drawing in a big breath and puffing out his chest] The hell with Frank Sinatra.
-
Scarlet : Countess? That means everybody has to curtsy to me, except maybe Grace Kelly.
-
C.R. MacNamara : [at first meeting Otto] Where did you dig him up? He doesn't even wear socks!
Scarlet : He doesn't wear shorts, either! Isn't that exciting?
-
C.R. MacNamara : [Looks at balloon Scarlett Hazeltine is holding] Yankee go home?
Scarlet : They come in all colors... green and yellow and blue.
C.R. MacNamara : You been helpin' this guy to spread anti-American propaganda?
Scarlet : It's not anti-American. It's anti-Yankee. Where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees.
-
Scarlet : You can forward the mail to American Express in Moscow. And "Vogue" magazine. And "Screamer" magazine.
Phyllis MacNamara : All right, if you promise to send me "Pravda" every day. Just the funnies.
-
Scarlet : Have you ever made love to a revolutionary?
Phyllis MacNamara : No, but I once necked with a Stevenson Democrat.
-
Scarlet : Before you meet Daddy, I must warn you there are certain things he feels very strongly about. One is the Civil War.
Otto : Civil War?
C.R. MacNamara : If the subject comes up, just say it was a draw.
-
C.R. MacNamara : You married a Communist?
Scarlet : He's not a Communist. He's a Republican. He comes from the Republic of East Germany.
-
Scarlet : It's my parents I feel sorry for. It's too late to save 'em. Otto says they'll have to be liquidated. Bye.
-
Otto : And, of course, we'll see him on Mayday. He'll be marching by in the parade. We can wave to him.
C.R. MacNamara : You can also wave to him on Lenin's birthday and on Yuri Gagarin's birthday. That kid'll be parading all the time.
Scarlet : Well, at least it'll keep him off the street.
-
C.R. MacNamara : Forget it, Piffl. You're not going to Moscow. You can't even get back to East Berlin.
Otto Ludwig Piffl : Why not?
C.R. MacNamara : Because you're an American spy.
Otto Ludwig Piffl : Who says so?
C.R. MacNamara : You did. Don't you remember last night, the police station. You signed a confession. An Americanish shpion.
Otto Ludwig Piffl : No. Nein nein nein nein nein.
C.R. MacNamara : Ya. Ya ya ya ya ya.
Scarlet : Isn't that thrilling darling? Why didn't you tell me?
Otto Ludwig Piffl : Nein! I'm not a spy. It's not true.
C.R. MacNamara : Makes you think, doesn't it? About all those other confessions?
-
C.R. MacNamara : Liebchen? I don't want that creep in my office! Why didn't you send him home to clean out his cage?
Scarlet : I think he'd better be here 'cause we have something to tell you.
C.R. MacNamara : Tell me what? You're not engaged again, are you?
Scarlet : No, not this time.
C.R. MacNamara : [With relief] Thank God.
Scarlet : We're married.
C.R. MacNamara : For a minute there I was afraid...
[stops as he suddenly realizes what he just heard]
C.R. MacNamara : You're married?
Scarlet : Uh-huh, it'll be six weeks on Monday.
C.R. MacNamara : You married a Communist?
Scarlet : He's not a Communist, he's a Republican. Comes from the Republic of East Germany.
C.R. MacNamara : Why you dumb, stupid, little pot! Do you realize what you've done? You've ruined me, that's all! What are your parents going to say? They trusted me and I trusted you! Then you go and pull an idiotic stunt like this!
Scarlet : Why didn't you look after me better?
C.R. MacNamara : Fifteen years with the company down the drain... I'll be blacklisted! My kids will starve! My wife will be selling pencils! And all on account of you and your hot blood!
-
[Scarlett and Otto are beginning to leave MacNamara's office when the latter comes in looking rather gleeful]
C.R. MacNamara : Wait a minute, kids! Before you go, I'd like to give you a little present.
Otto : Why?
C.R. MacNamara : It's customary when two people get married!
[MacNamara walks over to a nearby cabinet, which he opens and pulls out a cocktail mixer]
Scarlet : Otto's friends didn't give us any presents, instead, they sent the money to the unemployed cotton pickers of Mississippi.
C.R. MacNamara : [Holds up the mixer] How about a cocktail shaker? No, I guess not.
[Sets the shaker down when an idea suddenly comes to mind. He grins gleefully]
C.R. MacNamara : I know...
[Points to his clock and removes it from the wall. As he does this, we walks over to his desk]
C.R. MacNamara : A cuckoo clock. Hand made by dwarves in the Black Forest!
Otto : So now they're exploiting dwarves!
C.R. MacNamara : I'm sorry I haven't got any fancy wrapping paper!
[MacNamara picks up his edition of the "Wall Street Journal" and uses it to wrap the cuckoo clock]
Otto : We do not want anything from you!
Scarlet : Otto, don't be rude, I think it's very sweet of Mr. MacNamara. Now we'll have a bed and a clock.
Otto : We will get our own clock in Russia.
C.R. MacNamara : [Holds up the clock and approaches Otto and Scarlett] If your clocks don't run any better than your trains, you might as well take this one!
Otto : [Takes the clock and smirks] You laugh at us now, but not for long. Because you're arrogant, and fat, and bloated! The worms will have a picnic!
Schlemmer : See ya on the barricades pal!
[Otto puts his hat on and opens the door to leave. As he heads out, he stops to wait for Scarlett]
Scarlet : [Looks at MacNamara] When the day comes, I'll put in a good word for you.
Otto : Scarlett!
Scarlet : It's my parents I feel sorry for, it's too late to save them. Otto says they'll have to be liquidated. Bye.
[Scarlett waves before turning to leave with Otto. MacNamara watches them leave before shutting the door and heading over to his office window. He looks down and sees Schlemmer putting a balloon on the exhaust pipe of Otto's motorcycle]
C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer!
[Schlemmer looks up towards the office window to see MacNamara]
C.R. MacNamara : [Points towards the front door] Hurry up!
[Schlemmer looks towards the front door to see Otto and Scarlett coming. With that, he finishes putting the balloon on the pipe and moves out of the way as Otto and Scarlett come outside. Otto walks up to his motorcycle while Scarlett heads towards MacNamara's car, where Fritz is waiting. As this is going on, Schlemmer hurries back inside]
Otto : [Kisses Scarlett] Auf wiedersehen, Leibchen.
Scarlet : Auf wiedersehen.
[Scarlett gets in the car. Otto watches her leave before he puts the clock in the sidecar of his motorcycle. A few seconds after starting it up, the exhaust begins to fill the balloon, which is shown to read "Russki Go Home." As Otto begins to drive off, MacNamara watches this gleefully. Seconds later, Schlemmer arrives in the office and clicks his heels]
C.R. MacNamara : [gleefully] Good boy, Schlemmer!
Schlemmer : Yes sir. Is there anything else you wish me to do?
C.R. MacNamara : No thanks, we can just sit back now and let the East German Police finish the job.
Schlemmer : Pardon me, I must be very stupid, but I do not understand any of this.
C.R. MacNamara : There's nothing to it. All it takes is a little knowledge of physics and elementary psychology.
[as MacNamara is talking, the camera fades to show Otto on his motorcycle, driving through West Berlin. What MacNamara describes occurs as follows]
C.R. MacNamara : Right now, Comrade Otto, Ludwig, Piffl, is tootling along on his motorcycle toward East Berlin. Gay, chipper, feeling like a million rubles. Little does he know that meanwhile, back at the exhaust, the fumes are filling the balloon. It gets bigger, and bigger. And all the time in the side car, a little booby trap is ticking away. Now if my calculations are correct, all these things will begin to pay off once he passes through the Brandenburg Gate.
-
C.R. MacNamara : Now uh... what time are you kids leaving?
Scarlet : Seven o'clock on the Moscow Express.
Otto : Why do you want to know?
C.R. MacNamara : [Sarcastically] Because I'm gonna dynamite the train! What makes you guys so suspicious?
Scarlet : I'd better get back to the house and start packing. You think I ought to take both my mink coats?
Otto : Darling, no woman should have two mink coats until every woman in the world has one mink coat.
C.R. MacNamara : Why don't you cut the other one up and make him a pair of shorts? I hear it's freezing there all the time!
Schlemmer : [Whispering] Thirty below zero.
Otto : Fascist lies!
Scarlet : You'd better go home and pack too, darling.
Otto : It will take me no time. Just my chessboard, my extra shirt, and two hundred books.
C.R. MacNamara : Well as long as smiley here is going back to East Berlin, I'll get the car for you.
[MacNamara looks at Schlemmer]
C.R. MacNamara : Schlemmer, will you run downstairs and tell Fritz he'll have to take Scarlet home?
[as the two of them begin to walk off, MacNamara puts his hand on Schlemmer's shoulder]
Schlemmer : [Whispering] You are letting her go to Moscow?
C.R. MacNamara : [Whispering] In a pig's eye.
[MacNamara smiles as he and Schlemmer continue walking]
C.R. MacNamara : [Whispering] Now look, his motorcycle is downstairs. Remember that idea you had about the balloon?
-
C.R. MacNamara : Now you listen to me, Scarlet Hazeltine, there's going to be no more of this foolishness. Because tomorrow, your parents are coming to take you home.
Scarlet : They are?
[the telephone rings. MacNamara picks it up]
C.R. MacNamara : Who? Chet Huntley? Alright, I'll speak to him. Hello, Mr. Huntley. I just wanted to tell you I've been watching your program. Keep up the good work. Bye.
[MacNamara hangs up the phone and looks at Scarlet again]
C.R. MacNamara : Now when your parents arrive, I want you to keep your mouth shut, for your sake, and mine. Because if they ever find out what's been going on...
Scarlet : I'd better talk this over with Otto...
C.R. MacNamara : Oh, no you don't. You're not going to see him again! And you're not going back to East Berlin!
Scarlet : Oh, he's right downstairs.
[Scarlet walks over to the window she opens it and looks down]
Scarlet : Otto!
[MacNamara looks outside to see a young man standing next to a motorcycle]
Scarlet : Otto, darling! Up here!
[Otto looks around to see where he hears Scarlet calling from. After a few seconds, he notices and waves to her]
Scarlet : Come on up, Liebchen!
[Otto straightens his cap and walks towards the front door]
-
C.R. MacNamara : Now, uh, what time are you kids leaving?
Scarlet : Seven o'clock on the Moscow Express.
Otto : [with suspicion] Why do you want to know?
C.R. MacNamara : [with sarcasm] Because I'm gonna dynamite the train! What makes you guys so suspicious?
