Kiss Me, Stupid (1964)

Ray Walston: Orville

Photos 

Quotes 

• Orville J. Spooner : If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it'd be curtains for us...

• Dino : Did you hear a story about the girl and the lobster?

  Orville J. Spooner : No, how's it go?

  Dino : Well, this girl was sittin' in a movie house and this guy sat down next to her, and they were sittin' in the dark, and they were watchin' the picture, see? And suddenly she felt somethin' crawling up her leg and

  [pinches Polly] 

  Dino : pinched her!

  Polly the Pistol : [jumping]  Ouch!

  Orville J. Spooner : Go on!

  Dino : Then she felt something crawling again and

  [pinches Polly] 

  Dino : pinched her again! She said, "What is the idea, you pinching me?" And he said, "Well, it wasn't me...

  [laughing] 

  Dino : it was my lobster!"

  Orville J. Spooner : [laughing]  His lobster?

  Dino : He explained it. He said, "A friend of mine gave me a live lobster and I said, 'Gee, that's wonderful, I think I'll take it home for dinner!' He said, 'No, it already had dinner...

  [laughing] 

  Dino : why don't you take it to a movie?'"

• Polly the Pistol : It's a nice place you got here.

  Orville J. Spooner : Oh, you'll like it... It's not very big but it's clean.

  Polly the Pistol : What is?

  Orville J. Spooner : What is what?

  Polly the Pistol : I don't know, you brought it up.

• Orville J. Spooner : [reminiscing about his wife's dentist]  "Tender gums". That's a hell of a thing to say to a married woman.

• Orville J. Spooner : You mean, you were discussing my sex life with another woman and laughing about it?

  Zelda Spooner : What sex life? So you chased her up the bell tower.

  Orville J. Spooner : It just so happens that she chased me.

  Zelda Spooner : What difference does it make? Nobody caught anybody. And anyway, I trust you.

  Orville J. Spooner : You trust me? That's a lousy thing to say about your husband. Don't you think I'm attractive to other women?

  Zelda Spooner : You're attractive to me. So come to bed.

• Dino : [points at Ovrille's piano]  Is that the only action in this town?

  Orville J. Spooner : Oh, no. There's a bowling alley. Or, you can stand outside Pringle's hardware store and watch color television in the window.

  Dino : Hey, you're not reading me right, pal. What's with the broads around here?

  Orville J. Spooner : Broads? Oh, you mean action action.

  Dino : Yeah. It's a habit with me, like breathing.

  Orville J. Spooner : I should have known from the gossip columns.

  Dino : Well, it's not that I like to. You see, I have to because if I skip one night, I wake up the next morning with such a headache.

• Orville J. Spooner : Tell me, since we're both in the same racket, Tin Pan Alley, don't you think that rock 'n' roll is on the way out?

• Barney : Look what I got - all the Italian food they had at the market. Macaroni, parmigiana, frozen pizza, chianti.

  Orville J. Spooner : Forget it!

  Barney : That's what he likes. You're gonna give him an Italian dinner, play him our Italian song.

  Orville J. Spooner : Oh, no. He's gonna get into his Italian car and beat it!

  Barney : Well, what do you mean?

  Orville J. Spooner : I don't want him in the house. We got to get rid of him!

  Barney : After all the trouble we went to?

  Orville J. Spooner : You heard me.

  Barney : Why?

  Orville J. Spooner : Because he's a sex maniac.

  Barney : So what? That's his problem.

  Orville J. Spooner : But it's my wife! He's already after her. And what's worse, she's crazy about him, too.

  Barney : Oh. What's wrong with that? He likes her. She likes him. So while you're plugging the songs, she's sort of putting him in the mood.

  Orville J. Spooner : Why, you miserable - are you suggesting that I use my wife?

• Orville J. Spooner : All right, all right. So it's a great idea. But just tell me one thing if you're so clever, how do I get rid of my wife?

  Barney : That's the easiest part. Hit her.

  Orville J. Spooner : Hit her?

  Barney : Or start an argument or get her sore at you. Shove a grapefruit in her face. There's lots of ways.

  Orville J. Spooner : You want me to louse up my marriage?

  Barney : It's just for one night. So she cries a little. She goes home to her mother. And tomorrow morning you can explain the whole thing to her. You buy her a nice present. By that time, you can afford it, because we'll have sold all those songs.

  Orville J. Spooner : You mean for no reason at all - a grapefruit?

  Barney : Right in the kisser.

• Rosalie Schultz : I got the distinct impression that there's love for sale on the premises.

  Orville J. Spooner : "Love For Sale," Cole Porter - a million and a half copies.

• Dino : I think I'll catch a little shut-eye myself, so I can be nice and fresh.

  Orville J. Spooner : Fresh?

  Dino : I have a hunch this may turn out to be a big night.

• Orville J. Spooner : You're not going to weasel out of it. The truth is, you don't give a damn about me; because, if you did, you'd be jealous! You'd fight for me! It's the most primitive emotion there is. You take the Watusis. I read all about it in the "National Geographic" in Dr. Sheldrake's office. If a Watusi wife catches another woman with a Watusi husband, you know what she does? She buries her in sand up to her neck, and smears honey all over her head, and lets the red ants loose on her. But what do you do when Rosalie Schultz tries to steal your husband? You give her a piece of pistachio cake!

• Orville J. Spooner : You don't understand. It's not for me. It's for him.

  Polly the Pistol : Who's him?

  Orville J. Spooner : Back there. He's asleep.

  Polly the Pistol : What are we playing, musical chairs? Barney says it's not for him, it's for a friend of his. Now you say it's not for you, it's for a friend of yours.

  Orville J. Spooner : Oh, but he's not exactly a friend. It's more like a business promotion... and he likes action all the time. I got nothing against that, but not with Zelda.

  Polly the Pistol : Who's Zelda?

  Orville J. Spooner : You are!

  Polly the Pistol : Me?

  Orville J. Spooner : It's my wife, but tonight you're her - so you're Zelda.

  Polly the Pistol : What did I get myself into?

• Orville J. Spooner : Not in here. In the bedroom.

  Polly the Pistol : You name it.

  Orville J. Spooner : Don't mind me if I'm a little nervous; but, so much depends on this. I just hope we can swing it.

  Polly the Pistol : We'll do our best.

• Orville J. Spooner : Oh, you just wait till you find out who he is. You'll flip!

  Polly the Pistol : Huh. I will?

  Orville J. Spooner : Oh, boy.

  Polly the Pistol : So who can it be? Richard Burton?

  Orville J. Spooner : No, but you're getting warm.

• Dino : [abruptly wakes up from a nap]  Where am I?

  Orville J. Spooner : In Climax!

• Orville J. Spooner : Domestic, domestic. We've got to make it look domestic. You sit here, and I'll sit here. No, that's not domestic enough. You knit, and I'll read.

  Polly the Pistol : I don't know how to knit.

  Orville J. Spooner : Well, then you read, and I'll knit.

• Orville J. Spooner : Cocktail time. What would you like? Martini? Old fashioned? Vodka on the rocks?

  Dino : No, thanks.

  Orville J. Spooner : Nothing to drink?

  Dino : Just a bowl of bourbon and some crackers.

• Orville J. Spooner : You should have a ring. Here, put this on.

  Polly the Pistol : You suppose there's a law against this?

  Orville J. Spooner : Against what?

  Polly the Pistol : Wearing a ring without a license.

• Polly the Pistol : I know that voice from someplace.

  Orville J. Spooner : Of course you do. He's a singer.

  Polly the Pistol : Who?

  Orville J. Spooner : Now don't flip.

  Polly the Pistol : Well, who is it?

  Orville J. Spooner : It's Dino.

  Polly the Pistol : Dino?

  Orville J. Spooner : That's right.

  Polly the Pistol : Hmm. I like Andy Williams better.

• Dino : You didn't have to go to all this trouble.

  Orville J. Spooner : What trouble? I'm very grateful. You see, this is our fifth wedding anniversary and I forgot to buy my wife a present; so, instead, she's getting you.

• Orville J. Spooner : Skol.

  Dino : What?

  Orville J. Spooner : Skol!

  Dino : Sure, it's cold. It's got ice in it.

  Orville J. Spooner : Funny! Funny!

  Dino : Well, drink up and be somebody.

• Orville J. Spooner : [singing]  Listen to me, Sophia, Have you any idea, How much you mean to me-a? Every day more and more, You're sweeter than spumoni, Sweeter even than zabaglione, Say the word, sweet Sophia...

• Orville J. Spooner : All right, Lamb Chop, refill the shoes and let's have a little more music. What would you like to hear now?

  Dino : "Taps."

  Orville J. Spooner : Would you be interested in a nice little waltz? "When it's Pussy Willow Time in Picardy."

  Dino : I don't think I could do it justice.

• Orville J. Spooner : He's got a hell of a nerve. Does he really think he can buy my wife for a song?

  Barney : What wife? What are you talking about? She's not your wife.

  Barney : Him and his Rat Pack, they think they own the earth riding around in their white chariots, raping and looting, and wearing cuffs on their sleeves.

  Barney : Orville, pull yourself together.

  Orville J. Spooner : To them, we're just a bunch of squares, straight men, civilians! Any time they want to move in, we're supposed to run up the white flag, hand over our homes and our wives and our liquor! Oh, no, you don't!

• Orville J. Spooner : Big Hollywood hotshot. You think you can walk in here and snap your fingers and I'll serve my wife to you on a silver platter - with an apple in her mouth!

• Orville J. Spooner : You heard me. O-U-T. Out!

  Dino : Take it easy. E-A-Z-Y.

• [last lines] 

  Orville J. Spooner : The ring and the song and the car and Dino. How would you? When did she? Why would he?

  Zelda Spooner : Kiss me, stupid.

• Orville J. Spooner : [outside Pringle's Hardware]  I don't understand it. Why would he sing our song after what I did to him?

  Barney : I guess the bigger they are the nicer they are.

  Orville J. Spooner : Look at it! It's on all 12 sets!

  Barney : 12 sets, my eye. 30 million people are watching this show. A Nielsen rating of 21.7.

• Orville J. Spooner : Mulligan, not only do you have a tin ear, you have lead fingers. Whoever told you to take up the piano?

  Johnnie Mulligan : You did, sir.

  Orville J. Spooner : Well, I need the money. What's your excuse?

• Orville J. Spooner : Let's not monkey around with Beethoven, shall we?

• Orville J. Spooner : She forgot to order buttermilk. She always forgets! She doesn't like buttermilk, but I like buttermilk. There's nothing like buttermilk, especially if you have a lazy colon.

• Orville J. Spooner : About your problem, you know, that headache you were talking about, maybe you ought to try the Belly Button.

  Dino : The what?

  Orville J. Spooner : There's this roadhouse just outside town called the Belly Button. They've got these cocktail waitresses. They're very friendly. At least, that's what I hear. I've never been there myself.

• Zelda Spooner : Imagine, Dino in person driving down Citrus Avenue!

  Orville J. Spooner : You must be imagining it. It's ridiculous! What would a guy like that be doing in Climax?

• Zelda Spooner : I'm making myself a black chiffon negligee. I just have to put the lace on the collar. I want it to be ready for tonight.

  Orville J. Spooner : You don't need lace on the collar. You don't even need a negligee. And we don't have to wait for tonight. I have no more lessons today and we're all alone in the house. So why don't we...

  Zelda Spooner : In the middle of the afternoon?

  Orville J. Spooner : That's what makes it. The irregularity. That unexpected little twist.

  Zelda Spooner : Orville, have you been reading "Playboy" again?

  Orville J. Spooner : You just relax. I'll be with you in a minute, Lamb Chop.

• Orville J. Spooner : It's today?

  Zelda Spooner : September 30th.

  Orville J. Spooner : I thought it was the 31st.

• Barney : Once Zelda's out of the way, we pick up one of those cocktail waitresses and get her over here. Mmm. That'll keep him in the house.

  Orville J. Spooner : How am I going to explain it to him? That I was afraid he was going to make a pass at my wife so we got him a chippy instead?

  Barney : You don't have to explain anything. Just introduce her as your wife.

• Orville J. Spooner : I love my wife. I adore her. I worship her. Don't you trust her?

  Barney : Don't you trust her?

  Orville J. Spooner : No!

• Orville J. Spooner : This guy is only interested in action. He's not going to spend the night here, just with me, eating macaroni and listening to our songs. He's going to be at the Belly Button Iooking for broads!

  Barney : Hold it! Hold it, hold it. Why does he have to go to the Belly Button? Why don't we bring the Belly Button to him?

• Orville J. Spooner : I got dressed again because I was feeling - chilly.

  Zelda Spooner : You certainly didn't act - chilly.

  Orville J. Spooner : When?

  Zelda Spooner : When I was in the shower. I thought you were going to climb right in with me.

  Orville J. Spooner : You did? I mean, did I?

  Zelda Spooner : We could save a lot of money on our water bill. Hmm?

• Barney : He's going to get all the action he wants.

  Orville J. Spooner : Barney, you're sick!

  Barney : Uh-huh. He can tickle her and pinch her, grab her, wrestle with her.

• Orville J. Spooner : I happen to be their biggest customer.

  Zelda Spooner : You?

  Orville J. Spooner : All those nights when you thought I was at choir practice or bowling or watching color television outside Pringle's, I was *really* at the Belly Button.

  Zelda Spooner : Doing what?

  Orville J. Spooner : Using that cigarette machine, drinking Mary Bloodies, and a lot of other things; but, I'd rather not talk about it, because you'll just get sore and walk out on me.

  Zelda Spooner : What other things?

  Orville J. Spooner : You may think I'm sort of a square, but ask any of those cocktail waitresses there: I - am a swinger.

  Zelda Spooner : Sure you are! I wouldn't have it any other way.

• Orville J. Spooner : Now if you'll just put on one of my wife's dresses.

  Polly the Pistol : What for?

  Orville J. Spooner : Well, that's the only way it'll work. We've got to pretend you're my wife.

  Polly the Pistol : What are you, some kind of a weirdie?