- [last lines]
- Matt Helm: You know, there'll be times when you'll find yourself in a romantic situation with an enemy agent. Now, you've got to just let yourself go. You know, be soft and yielding. A little champagne.
- Slaygirl: I don't drink.
- Matt Helm: A little love.
- Slaygirl: I don't drink.
- Matt Helm: Well, soft lights and music - especially music. That'll do it every time. Eh, just relax and now you play close attention.
- Slaygirl: You can count on me, sir.
- Matt Helm: [Dean Martin's "Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime" plays on the stereo] Nice voice.
- [moves in for a kiss]
- Slaygirl: I'm sorry Mr. Helm. I guess I'm just not in the mood.
- [Matt puts on the next record, which happens to be Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night"]
- Slaygirl: Oh, kiss me!
- [long kiss]
- Matt Helm: Do you really like Perry Como that much?
- [I.C.E. agents are receiving instruction on the latest equipment]
- Female Instructor: [holding ray gun] This little gadget here dissolves metal electronically. Easy to conceal, extremely effective in times of danger.
- [She points the gun and dissolves the belt buckle off a clothed mannequin. His pants fall to the ground]
- First female student: That's when the danger usually starts!
- Second female student: [seductively] I like my way better!
- [Matt is shown a new weapon which gives a whole new meaning to the term "bullet bra"]
- Linda: It's not a gun, Mr. Helm. It's the new weapon they gave me, developed right here in our labs.
- Matt Helm: Developed pretty well, too!
- Linda: May I point out...
- Matt Helm: You already do!
- Linda: ...that that's why you're here. To become familiar with our latest equipment.
- Matt Helm: You right. An agent should always keep *abreast* of the times!
- [Matt and Sheila are hiding on a mountain-top]
- Matt Helm: We have a long wait ahead of us, so let's get comfortable.
- [lies down on his back]
- Sheila Sommers: [lying down on top of Matt] How comfortable?
- Matt Helm: It's broad daylight!
- Sheila Sommers: What's the matter with a broad in daylight?
- [kiss]
- Jose Ortega: [toasting] Cheers! One hundred million up.
- Francesca Madeiros: [also toasting] Skol!
- Matt Helm: Sure it's cold. It's got ice in it.
- Courier Slaygirl: Long distance call for you, Mr. Helm. Hop aboard.
- Courier Slaygirl: [Matt sits himself down on the back of her scooter] I go pretty fast. Better find something to hang on to.
- Matt Helm: [Matt knowingly looks at the camera] Crazy.
- MacDonald: [referring to Sheila Sommers] She won't let a man get near her. But, eh, that's never stopped you before.
- Sheila Sommers: [naked in bed with Matt] Do you have a plan?
- Matt Helm: Yeah.
- Sheila Sommers: What is it?
- Matt Helm: Oh, I wanna say it's gettin' a little chilly and I think that we should cuddle up together for warmth.
- Sheila Sommers: Good plan. It might work. Matt, I am the old Sheila. You can depend on me. I won't disappoint you.
- [kiss]
- Matt Helm: You didn't.
- Francesca Madeiros: Now look, darling, now, I did something for you, you do something for me, huh?
- Matt Helm: With pleasure!
- Francesca Madeiros: You knew he was in there, didn't you?
- Matt Helm: I could hear his hot breath every time you moved.
- Francesca Madeiros: Ah, I have that affect on some people.
- Jose Ortega: She has made a rather - interesting offer for the saucer herself.
- Nassim: Then we shall be bidding against each other.
- Francesca Madeiros: I'm afraid not.
- [smiles]
- Francesca Madeiros: I threw in a little - sweetener. I don't think you can match.
- [rolls her tongue over her teeth]
- Jose Ortega: The lady represents a rather well known organization. Maybe, you have heard it: the Bureau of International Government -n- Order. B-I-G-O.
- Matt Helm: Big O?
- Francesca Madeiros: BINGO!
- Matt Helm: [after giving Francesca a good luck kiss before she left] Don't say it. You may hate her guts, but, she's a pro.
- Sheila Sommers: Whatever she's pro, I'm anti.
- Matt Helm: Come on, anti.
- Nassim: May good fortune smile upon you. May your steps be bathed in sunshine. May I have a bottle of this excellent Scotch?
- Matt Helm: Muss your hair up some. Smear some dirt on your face.
- Francesca Madeiros: And then what?
- Matt Helm: We'll play it by ear.
- Quintana: Helm has escaped!
- Jose Ortega: When? I'll have you killed for this!
- Quintana: I know that.
- Jose Ortega: But, never mind.
- Sheila Sommers: Oh, don't struggle. Oh, I could be very nice to you. Very nice! Ah, why don't you let me hold you in my arms. Isn't that what you wanted?
- Matt Helm: Where are you from?
- Francesca Madeiros: The bar.
- Matt Helm: The bar...
- [laughs]
- Matt Helm: I got relatives there.
- Matt Helm: You drugged me!
- Francesca Madeiros: Just in case.
- Matt Helm: [getting drowsy] How did you do that?
- Francesca Madeiros: Oh, do you like my lipstick, darling? It's a special brand. There's a chemical that penetrates the skin.
- Matt Helm: How 'bout your skin?
- Francesca Madeiros: I just took the antidote.
- [indicating the glass in her hand]
- Sheila Sommers: [pointing a gun at Francesca who is hunched over Matt Helm lying on her bed] Hold it right there.
- Francesca Madeiros: Where?
- Sheila Sommers: [referring to Francesca] You don't trust *her*, do you?
- Matt Helm: I don't trust any woman.
- Matt Helm: [referring to Francesca] Don't say it. You may hate her guts, but she's a pro.
- Sheila Sommers: Whatever she's pro, I'm anti.
- Matt Helm: Come on, Auntie.
- Jose Ortega: How did you find me?
- Nassim: The light of the gracious moon illumined my path. Also, I followed Mr. Helm.
- Matt Helm: May a thousand tigers break every bone in your body.
- Jose Ortega: Just this morning I concluded an arrangement with an Oriental gentleman who's... name I cannot pronounce... for a rather large sum which happily I can pronounce.
- Lovey Kravezit: Mr. Helm, I just this second got here.
- [Sees the masseuse]
- Lovey Kravezit: Oh, am I interrupting anything?
- Matt Helm: No, she's just a masseuse.
- Lovey Kravezit: Ah.
- [Camera tilts to Lovey's mini-dress]
- Lovey Kravezit: I think I've got everything you want.
- Matt Helm: Yeah!
- Matt Helm: Oh, eh, I have an appointment. My name is Helm.
- Quintana's Secretary: Oh. Señor Helm? *Matt* Helm? Oh, Señor Quintana's expecting you. I have a collection of *all* of your photographs. Oh, you're fantastic. You seem to make a girl seem so... so beautiful, so... so exciting, so... so...
- Matt Helm: Would you like to pose for me?
- Quintana's Secretary: Oh... no.
- Sheila Sommers: Who's your friend?
- Matt Helm: Oh, she invited me to her homeland: the Hôtel d'Cotez.
- Sheila Sommers: When you honeymoon...
- Matt Helm: The more the merrier.
- Sheila Sommers: Okay, baby.
- Francesca Madeiros: They say he's a very interesting man.
- Matt Helm: What's he do?
- Francesca Madeiros: What does any interesting man do?
- Matt Helm: Why don't you hop in. I'll give you a lift.
- Francesca Madeiros: Why?
- Sheila Sommers: Cause you're a fun girl.
- Matt Helm: Yeah, you're back on the team.
- Francesca Madeiros: Partners again? I'm surprised you trust me.
- Matt Helm: Well, you need us as much as we need you and you got the papers to get in there.
- Francesca Madeiros: That's right. So, why do I need you?
- Matt Helm: To get out. Now, get in.