Never a Dull Moment (1968)
Dick Van Dyke: Jack Albany
Photos
Quotes
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Jack Albany : Why'd they call a tough kid like you a sissy name like Florian?
Florian : It's a tough name!
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Jack Albany : [Acting as Ace Williams] What's your name, punk?
Florian : Florian.
Jack Albany : Florian? Why'd they call a tough kid like you a sissy name like Florian?
Florian : It's a tough name.
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Jack Albany : I get nervous when I don't have a weed.
[Florian hands him a pack of cigarettes]
Jack Albany : You save the coupons?
Florian : How do you think I got my knife?
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Lenny : Coffee and group therapy at Walgreen's?
Jack Albany : Oh, I can't tonight, Lenny. I got a soap tomorrow. I haven't even looked at the script yet.
Lenny : Maybe it's better that way.
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Jack Albany : Look, punk. It so happens, I don't like somebody holding a sticker on me. And I got a heat. I'm on the verge of makin' you very dead.
Florian : [Folds his jackknife] So, I put it away.
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Frank Boley : So this is the big killer man from Frisco.
Florian : Yeah. Frank Boley, this is Ace Williams.
Frank Boley : You don't look so dangerous to me.
Jack Albany : [Acting as Ace, turns to Florian] Some of you boys here in the East a little short on manners, punk?
Frank Boley : [Leans over to Florian] Maybe your friend would like to teach me some.
Jack Albany : [Again, to Florian] Ask him when he wants me to tear him apart. Before I meet the boss or after?
Frank Boley : [Again, leans over to Florian] Tell him it's no difference to me.
Florian : Look, after, huh. We're late and Joe's sore.
Jack Albany : [to Florian] For the sake of the punk, I'll defer the pleasure.
Frank Boley : Likewise.
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Jack Albany : Well, Pepé's too kind. I'll admit, when I kill somebody, even I don't know what happened.
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Leo Joseph Smooth : I heard about that big run-in you had with the Treasury boys.
Jack Albany : Yeah, yeah, I heard that.
Leo Joseph Smooth : Well, you were there.
Jack Albany : Well, I heard you heard.
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Leo Joseph Smooth : You all right now?
Jack Albany : Yeah, I limp a little on the leg. You know how...
Leo Joseph Smooth : I thought he gottcha in the shoulder.
Jack Albany : He did, yes... It hit a nerve. Affected my leg. I still limp on it.
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Leo Joseph Smooth : I wanna be remembered.
Jack Albany : Well, as it is if you wouldn't be?
Leo Joseph Smooth : Oh, yes, in some circles, but... Dillinger, Capone, Bugsy Moran. Those are names the whole world knows. They live on through the deeds associated with 'em.
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Leo Joseph Smooth : You know, Bobby used to be a fighter. Pretty good, too.
Bobby Macoon : Eight years in the ring.
Leo Joseph Smooth : Now he's my communications expert.
Jack Albany : Oh, still listening for the bell, huh Bobby?
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Jack Albany : [Speaking nabout Frank Foley] I got a parlor trick. In one second I make him dead and catch him before he hits the floor.
Leo Joseph Smooth : Uh, when the time comes, I'll make him dead myself.
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Jack Albany : You, uh, belong to Joe's organization, sweetheart?
Sally Inwood : Sure thing. I head up the mob's fine arts division.
Jack Albany : You're puttin' me on.
Sally Inwood : Am I?
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Jack Albany : Well, I ,just wanna know how cozy you are with Joe. I mean, I like your style, but then, uh, he' the boss.
Sally Inwood : Before you go any further, hot stuff, let me tell you something out of pure generosity. I have been living alone in New York City for four years. I know how to take care of myself.
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Jack Albany : Well, I like a girl with spirit.
Sally Inwood : And for the record, my relationship with Mr. Smooth is strictly teacher-pupil. My relationship with you is nothing.
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Leo Joseph Smooth : What happened?
Frank Boley : He got fresh with the artist and she took care of him.
Jack Albany : I should have killed her.
Leo Joseph Smooth : Francis.
[Francis picks Jack up off the floor]
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Leo Joseph Smooth : He thanks you, he relaxes, and you kill him. Now, how do you figure you'll do it?
Jack Albany : [Acting as Ace Williams] Do what?
Leo Joseph Smooth : Kill him.
Jack Albany : Oh, well maybe a shiv at the base of the medulla oblongata. Or, maybe I'll paralyze the clavichord. All depends on how I feel at the time.
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Cowboy Schaeffer : Who died?
Jack Albany : My Aunt Gladys.
Cowboy Schaeffer : Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Jack Albany : Only person who ever loved me.
Cowboy Schaeffer : Now pull yourself together.
Jack Albany : I'd give anything if I could see her again. Anything.
Cowboy Schaeffer : What happened to her?
Jack Albany : Well, she was makin' book in Oakland and they caught her on the take and dropped her in the bay. Splash!
Cowboy Schaeffer : That's rough.
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Jack Albany : [On a ledge outside Sally's window] Do you want me to fall off of here and beak my neck?
Sally Inwood : Would you?
Jack Albany : That's a terrible thing to say.
Sally Inwood : Well, be insulted and go away.
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Jack Albany : Help!
Sally Inwood : You really are insane.
Jack Albany : Whatever you say. Just help me up.
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Jack Albany : [Florian hasn't said a word but beckons Jack with his finger] Oh, shut up, you greasy little punk.
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Leo Joseph Smooth : Oh, so I've got a pair of aces, and I've gotta discard one.
Jack Albany : You've got one ace... and a joker.
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Jack Albany : Well, how did you know to hit him?
Sally Inwood : It was pretty obvious which one wasn't the professional killer... "an umbrella of peace spreading..."
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Leo Joseph Smooth : How'd you do it? I'm curious.
Jack Albany : Just an ordinary Australian neck clop.
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Florian : Hey, he ain't dead.
Leo Joseph Smooth : What?
Jack Albany : The neck clop disables, it doesn't kill.
Leo Joseph Smooth : Well, why'd you wanna go and use that clop for?
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Jack Albany : If I kill him, his mouth is sealed forever.
Leo Joseph Smooth : Let it be sealed.
Jack Albany : Then you never find out who "they" is.
Leo Joseph Smooth : Yeah. Well, that's good thinking.
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Jack Albany : How could you have seen "Twelfth Night" and not have noticed me?
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Jack Albany : Oh, thank you.
Sally Inwood : What for?
Jack Albany : For saving my life.
Sally Inwood : Oh, that. I'd do that for any great actor.
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Jack Albany : I've never been in love before. Except with myself. I've got goose bumps all over.
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Jack Albany : I have to kill two guards quietly. I can't kill two guards quietly.
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Jack Albany : I need you.
Sally Inwood : You do.
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Jack Albany : [stumbles and falls over a sculpture]
Leo Joseph Smooth : He's clever.