Hello, Dolly! (1969)

Walter Matthau: Horace Vandergelder

Photos 

Quotes 

• Horace : Ninety percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in danger of contamination.

• Dolly Levi : Hello! Hello there, how are you? Oh Hello!

  Horace : You know too many people.

  Dolly Levi : Total strangers!

  Horace : Then why do you greet them?

  Dolly Levi : It makes me feel good to have so many friends.

  Horace : Oh, say hello for me too then.

  Dolly Levi : I already did.

• Horace : Dolly Levi, you are a damned exasperating woman.

  Dolly Levi : Why Horace Vandergelder. That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me. Ha ha.

• Horace : Any man who goes to a big city deserves what happens to him.

• Dolly Levi : Here, let me cut your wings!

  Horace : I don't want my wings cut!

  Dolly Levi : No man does, Horace, no man does.

• Horace : I'm going to march in the 14th street parade with the only kind of people I can trust: 700 men.

• Ermengarde Vandergelder : But if I can't marry Ambrose, I know I'll die!

  Horace : Of what?

  Ermengarde Vandergelder : A broken heart.

  Horace : Never heard of it.

• Horace : Save your tears for New York, where they won't be noticed.

• Horace : Look! There's that millinery woman dancing with a man. I think it's a man.

• Horace : You are a seven-foot-tall nincompoop!

  Ambrose Kemper : That's an insult!

  Horace : All the facts about you are insults!

• Gussie Granger : [dressed as Ernestina Simple]  What do you mean, oysters aren't *in season*? Anyone can have oysters *in season*, I want them out of season!

  Horace : They don't have any Miss Simple.

  Gussie Granger : Then tell them to go out and dig for some!

• Horace : Advice is cheap, Ms. Molloy. It's the things that come gift wrapped that count!

• Horace : It takes a woman all powdered and pink to joyously clean out the drain in the sink!

• Horace : Mrs. Malloy, I shan't bother you again. And I hope vice versa.

• Horace : Corneilius Hackl! What are you doing in New York?

  Cornelius Hackl : Oh, I'm just delivering some oats.

  Horace : Delivering some oats? With my former intended? You're discharged!

  Cornelius Hackl : You can't fire me. I quit!

  Irene Molloy : So do I!

  Horace : Barnaby Tucker, you're discharged.

  Barnaby Tucker : You can't fire me. I quit!

  Minnie Fay : So do I!

• Horace : I've worked hard and I've become rich and friendless and mean. In America, that's about as far as you can go.

• Horace : You are a disgrace to Yonkers!

• Horace : You artists, you painters, produce nothing that nobody needs never.

• Barnaby Tucker : Why are you getting married?

  Horace : Let me tell you something, son. I've worked hard and I've become rich... and friendless and mean. And in America, that's about as far as you can go. It's time to be doing something a little bit fresh. Besides, I need a steady housekeeper.

• Horace : Now in honor of the occasion, I'm going to promote you both. Cornelius, how old are you?

  Cornelius Hackl : Twenty-eight and three-quarters, Mr. Vandergelder.

  Horace : Is that all? That's a foolish age to be at. I thought you were 40.

  Cornelius Hackl : No, I'm 28 and three-quarters.

  Horace : Well, a man's not worth a cent until he's 40. We just pay him wages until then to make mistakes.

• Horace : Anyway, I've decided to promote you to chief clerk.

  Cornelius Hackl : Chief clerk?

  Horace : Yes.

  Cornelius Hackl : Well, what am I now?

  Horace : You're an impertinent fool, that's what you are! Now if you behave yourself, I'll promote you from impertinent fool to chief clerk, with a raise in your wages.

  Cornelius Hackl : Ah. Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder.

• Horace : You, Barnaby, I'm promoting you from idiot apprentice to incompetent clerk.

  Barnaby Tucker : Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder.