- Allan: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
- Museum Girl: Yes, it is.
- Allan: What does it say to you?
- Museum Girl: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos.
- Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
- Museum Girl: Committing suicide.
- Allan: What about Friday night?
- Allan: I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?
- Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
- Museum Girl: Committing suicide.
- Allan: What about Friday night?
- Nancy: You're a dreamer. You're awkward. You're clumsy. They can see how desperate you are. You know this. You said it yourself. Oh, face it, Allan. You may be very sweet but you're not sexy.
- Allan: I had to go to Washington once when I was married, and even though I was the one leaving, I got sick; and when I returned, my wife threw up.
- Allan: I can't do it. How does it look? I invite her over and then come on like a sex degenerate. What am I, a rapist?
- Bogart: You're getting carried away. You think too much. Just do it.
- Allan: We're platonic friends. I can't spoil that by coming on. She'll slap my face.
- Bogart: Oh, I've had my face slapped plenty of times.
- Allan: Yeah, but your glasses don't go flying across the room.
- [last lines]
- Bogart: That was great. You've, uh, you've really developed yourself a little style.
- Allan: Yeah, I do have a certain amount of style, don't I?
- Bogart: Well, I guess you won't be needing me any more. There's nothing I can tell you now that you don't already know.
- Allan: I guess that's so. I guess the secret's not being you, it's being me. True, you're - you're not too tall and kind of ugly, but - what the hell, I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
- Bogart: Hmmph. Here's looking at you, kid.
- Bogart: I never saw a dame yet that didn't understand a good slap in the mouth or a slug from a .45.
- Allan: I gave her a home and affection and security. This was a little girl I found waiting tables at The Hip Bagel. I used to go in there every night and over tip her. A dollar fifty on a thirty-five cent check.
- Dick: [Allan's imagines Dick walking out in the ocean to commit suicide] How could they? My wife and my best friend. I loved her. I loved him. Why didn't I see it coming? Me who had the foresight to buy Polaroid at eight and a half.
- Allan: I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.
- Dick: [On the phone] Let me tell you where you can reach me, George. I'll be at 362-9296 for a while; then I'll be at 648-0024 for about fifteen minutes; then I'll be at 752-0420; and then I'll be home, at 621-4598. Yeah, right George, bye-bye.
- Linda: There's a phone booth on the corner. You want me to run downstairs and get the number? You'll be passing it.
- Allan: You want a Fresca with a Darvon?
- Linda: Unless you have apple juice.
- Allan: Apple juice and Darvon is fantastic together!
- Linda: Have you ever had Librium and tomato juice?
- Allan: No, I haven't personally, but another neurotic tells me they're unbelievable.
- Dick: Could I get a coke with nothing in it?
- Allan: Maybe you move in with me for a while. As long as we handle this in a mature way. As long as I'm mature about it, you're mature about it, Both of us are mature, we can achieve a certain maturation, that guarantees maturiosity
- Linda: You're mature, Allen, and very wise
- Allan: The key to wiseness is maturiositude.
- Allan: Look. Last night you felt like a woman and I felt like a man... And that's the kind of thing those people do.
- [first lines]
- [after the opening clips of Casablanca]
- Allan: [voice-over] Who am I kidding? I'm not like that. I never was, I never will be... That's strictly the movies.
- Dick: [On the phone] Hello, this is Mr. Christie, look, I'm no longer at 752-0420, I'm at going to be home at 621-4598. What? Yes, I'll hold on.
- Dick: [On the phone] Marjorie, did Mr. Hardy call? Well, I'm at 922-3299. Yeah, well I'll be here - I'm picking my wife up. What? Who? Oh, Allan Felix. Yeah, all right. I'll call him later. Right. Bye-bye.
- Allan: I attacked her. I'm a vicious jungle beast! She's panicking. By the time she gets home she'll be hysterical. What am I going to tell Dick? She'll probably go right to Police headquarters. Oh, what did I do? I'm not Bogart. I never will be Bogart. I'm a disgrace to my sex. I should get a job in a Arabian palace as a eunuch!