- Lt. Columbo: I had an uncle. He played bagpipes in the shriners band. He couldn't play a note, but nobody could tell the difference.
- Jerry Parks: [points to his head] You can't get a search warrant for what's in here.
- Nora Chandler: You couldn't get bus fare for what's in there!
- Dr. Frank Simmons: And, Lieutenant, as for you, you have an obtuse manner which some people find ingratiating. I do not. Do you follow me?
- Lt. Columbo: You know, Miss Chandler, if anybody ever told me I'd be standing here... I mean, right face-to-face with you... I mean, I've been in love with you all my life.
- Nora Chandler: I know. You never expected to meet a legend.
- Nora Chandler: Now, what have you told the police?
- Jerry Parks: What is there to tell? That you tried to kill me? That would be like disposing of the goose who owes me a golden egg.
- Lt. Columbo: You understand, Miss Chandler, the only reason your poor secretary is dead is because somebody made a terrible mistake last night.
- Jerry Parks: [sitting at Nora's bar after she has poured herself a drink] Aren't you gonna pour me one?
- Nora Chandler: Buy your own!
- Gate Guard: Hey, Lieutenant, did you ever think of getting another car?
- Lt. Columbo: Yeah, but I got another car. My wife drives it. Of course, it's nothing special. Just for transportation.
- Nora Chandler: Oh, Jerry. I didn't know you were in town.
- Jerry Parks: I had to rush home, do some local promotion for my new book.
- Nora Chandler: Oh, another book? Who's bedroom did you pry into THIS time.
- Jerry Parks: Oh, Lieutenant, I thought you wanted to use the phone.
- Lt. Columbo: Yeah, but I was just gonna call my wife and she's probably still talking, so...
- Lt. Columbo: Why do you keep saying "he"?
- Jerry Parks: Hmm?
- Lt. Columbo: About the person who made that mistake last night.
- Jerry Parks: Well, it's perfectly natural, isn't it? You say "murderer," I say "he." Male chauvinist at heart.
- Lt. Columbo: Um... but I thought, Miss Chandler, that you didn't approve of Mr. Parks. And, sir, quite frankly, some of the things that you said about...
- Nora Chandler: Oh!
- Lt. Columbo: would indicate to me that...
- Nora Chandler: You just don't understand show business, Lieutenant. Now, if you'll excuse me. l... I have an appointment with some very important financial people. You see, Hollywood is fighting for survival, Lieutenant.
- Jerry Parks: You know, Lieutenant, she's so right. Her dear, departed husband would be spinning in his grave, if he had one.
- Nora Chandler: [fiddling with Columbo's tie] Are you still wearing that tie? Do you know, since I met you, you've been ewaring this stupid thing? Edith, haven't you got a decent tie around here?
- Edith Head: Of course I have.
- Nora Chandler: [over the phone] Hello, George.
- Lt. Columbo: [over the phone] Guess who that was. Whadda ya mean, you don't know? Don't you go to the movies? What are you, a moron?