Saturday Night Live (1975– )

Gary Kroeger: Various, Walter Mondale, Andy Caruthers, Barney Fife, Bruce Springsteen, Client, Critic, Customer, Donny Osmond, Dwight MacNamara, El Dorko, Emcee, Frank, Frank McCray, Guard, Hank Weston, Ira Needleman, James Watt, Jason, Juan, Juror, Larry, Miguel de la Madrid, Mr. Sotheby, Pastor Harvey S. Peters, Paul Shaffer, Samuel Clemens, Scientist, Self, Skip, Son, Soviet, executive, son

Photos 

Quotes 

• Host : Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story."

  Abraham Lincoln : [Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk]  Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

  [plops into his seat] 

  Abraham Lincoln : Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

  General : That's perfectly all right, Mr. President.

  Abraham Lincoln : [Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders]  Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man!

  Mary Lincoln : Abraham, please, the play!

  Abraham Lincoln : Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary...

  Theatre patron : Yeah, well, some of US haven't!

  Abraham Lincoln : [stands up and jeers him]  Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES!

  Abraham Lincoln : [loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him]  SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this.

  Abraham Lincoln : [calls toward the stage]  Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO!

  [sits back down] 

  Abraham Lincoln : Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre.

  Theatre patron : Hey, quiet down, will ya?

  Abraham Lincoln : [stands up]  Hey, stick it here, pal!

  [knocks drink and popcorn off balcony] 

  Abraham Lincoln : Whoa!

  Theatre patron : Watch it!

  Abraham Lincoln : Hey, I'm sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha ha ha ha!

  General : Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington.

  Abraham Lincoln : Oh, yeah?

  [looks through opera glasses] 

  Abraham Lincoln : WHOA, YEAH! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe!

  [stands up and waves toward stage] 

  Abraham Lincoln : Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whooo, whoo, whoo! Up here, huh?

  Theatre patron : [Confederate accent]  Will you shut up, suh?

  Abraham Lincoln : [stands up]  Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it?

  Theatre patron : I may, suh!

  Abraham Lincoln : Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel?

  Theatre patron : I warned you, suh!

  Abraham Lincoln : [losing temper]  Yeah, well, why don't you come up here and do somethin'? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh?

  Host : And the rest is history. Please join us next week on "The Real Story" for "Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century".