- Lt. Columbo: What do you have to do to win one of them things?
- Shooting gallery attendant: Knock down the ducks ten out of ten.
- Lt. Columbo: Yeah, my wife would go for that.
- Shooting gallery attendant: Oh, no, sir, Lieutenant. Hey... hey, you're a pro.
- Lt. Columbo: Aw, forget about it. If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water.
- Lt. Columbo: Uh, just between us, sir...
- Nelson Brenner: Mm-hm?
- Lt. Columbo: ...somebody's following me.
- Nelson Brenner: Now who would be following a cop?
- Lt. Columbo: Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out. Can't be the collection company. The car's paid for.
- Lt. Columbo: Do you have any wine?
- Nelson Brenner: A cellar-full!
- Lt. Columbo: Just a glass.
- Nelson Brenner: What kind would you like?
- Lt. Columbo: [after deliberating] Oh, red.
- Gas Station Attendant: Want me to wipe your windshield, sir?
- Lt. Columbo: No, that's all right. Don't bother. I can see through it.
- Lt. Columbo: You told a lot of lies, sir. Course, most of 'em can be explained in your capacity as a spy, but not the big one.
- Nelson Brenner: Colorado is a river.
- Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: Geronimo is an Indian.
- Nelson Brenner: There is no beach like a long beach, an amusement park.
- Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: When?
- Nelson Brenner: In two hours.
- [last lines]
- Lt. Columbo: Would you like to hear something funny?
- Nelson Brenner: I'd love to.
- Lt. Columbo: Today, the Chinese, they changed their minds.
- Nelson Brenner: Did they, again?
- Lt. Columbo: They're back in the Games.
- Nelson Brenner: In the Games. Mahjong.
- Lt. Columbo: Mahjong.
- Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: Double-agents don't go broke. They die sometimes but they don't go broke.
- Nelson Brenner: Oh, come along now. That theory about my being a double agent? Now, you know there's no fact in it.
- Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: The agency doesn't deal in facts, only in rumors, and I have a lot more than rumors, Nelson.
- Salvatore Defonte: You worry about the Chinese? I tell you don't worry about the Chinese. You know why? Because they can pull out of the Olympics but they can't pull out of soy beans!
- Lt. Columbo: What strikes you about this photograph sir?
- Nelson Brenner: I was younger and more beautiful then.
- Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: [Entering the amusement pier] There'd'b more privacy on a freeway.
- Nelson Brenner: Oh, I don't know. Wasn't it you that said you should never have a clandestine meeting in a clandestine place? Besides which, I've always had a certain perverse affection for amusement parks.
- Nelson Brenner: Lieutenant, I think that I should warn you that I am not an unworldly man. I have powerful and important friends, even in the police department. I respectfully request... that you do not... harass me.
- Lawrence Melville: [amused] You sure are strange, Mr. Steinmetz.
- Nelson Brenner: [disguised as Steinmetz] It's a strange world.
- Nelson Brenner: I can stop by any time?
- Joyce: Any time.
- Nelson Brenner: Well. in that case, I'll be seeing you.
- Nelson Brenner: By now, Lieutenant, you should know that no one in our business is ever who he says he is.
- Phil Corrigan: Operator.
- Lt. Columbo: Operator?
- Phil Corrigan: Operator. Spy is old hat. They're referred to as operators.