A Christmas Story (1983)
Darren McGavin: The Old Man Parker
Photos
Quotes
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Ralphie : Ohhhh fuuudge!
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
The Old Man : [stunned] What did you say?
Ralphie : Uh, um...
The Old Man : That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car... Go on.
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
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Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
The Old Man : Naddafinga!
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Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
The Old Man : That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
Mother : Little pitchers!
The Old Man : Thanks... hold it!
[the furnace conks out]
The Old Man : It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!
[he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
The Old Man : Damn skates!
[coughing]
The Old Man : Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it! Poop flirt, rattle crap, camel flirt! You blunder frattle beak struckle brat! Of a womp sack butt bottom fodder...
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
The Old Man : ...smick melly whop walker! Drop dumb fratten housestickle viper!
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[the Old Man reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]
The Old Man : Aaah! "Fra-GEE-leh!" It must be Italian!
Mother : Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, honey.
The Old Man : Huh? Oh, yeah.
[nods in agreement]
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The Old Man : You filty sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer! You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper...
Ralphie as an Adult : What happened next was a family controversy for years.
The Old Man : You wart mundane noodle! You shotten shifter paskabah! You snort tonguer! Lame monger snaffa shell cocker!
[the sound of the lamp breaking is heard]
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The Old Man : [Referring to Ralphie's pink bunny pajamas] He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother : [Disagreeing] He does not!
The Old Man : [Still referring to the costume] He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!
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The Old Man : What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Mother : Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
The Old Man : How the hell did you know that?
Mother : Everybody knows that!
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The Old Man : [Watching in horror as the Bumpus hounds flee after devouring the Christmas turkey] Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!
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The Old Man : [the Old Man's beloved leg lamp is broken] Get the glue.
Mother : We're out of glue.
The Old Man : You used up all the glue on purpose!
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Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] Christmas had come officially. We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
The Old Man : Didn't I get a tie this year?
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Randy : Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.
The Old Man : All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.
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Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.
The Old Man : Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!
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The Old Man : You wart mundane noodle!
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The Old Man : Dadgummit! Blow out!
[on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire]
The Old Man : Aha!
[excitedly gets out of the car]
Mother : Not again.
The Old Man : Four minutes. Time me.
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.
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The Old Man : [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
Mother : Jealous of a plastic...
The Old Man : Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
Mother : That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Now it was out.
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The Old Man : It's a Major Award!
Swede : A Major Award? Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.
The Old Man : It is a lamp, you nincompoop, but it's a Major Award. I won it!
Swede : Damn, hell, you say won it?
The Old Man : Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.
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The Old Man : [shouting] Don't anybody move! Hold it right there! The fuse is out.
Ralphie as an Adult : My old man could fix a fuse faster than a jack rabbit on a date.
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The Old Man : So what else happened today?
Mother : Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight?
The Old Man : A fight? What kind of a fight?
[Looks at Ralphie]
Mother : Oh, you know how boys are. I gave him a talking to...
[Looks at the newspaper]
Mother : Uh I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.
The Old Man : What? Oh yeah! Zudock's got tickets I wish I had. Aw well, let him freeze his keister off out there.
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Ralphie : Hey Dad! I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas.
The Old Man : A new furnace.
Ralphie : Ha ha! That's a good one, Dad!
[Randy laughs]
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The Old Man : [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?
Mother : What is it?
The Old Man : It's a leg!
Mother : But what is it?
The Old Man : Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.
Mother : Statue?
The Old Man : Yeah, statue.
Ralphie : Yeah, statue.
Mother : Ralphie!
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.
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Mother : [Playing Santa] And this is for Daddy...
[Picks up a gift-wrapped bowling ball and drops it in The Old Man's Lap]
Mother : Here, from me to you.
The Old Man : [high-pitched] Thanks a lot!
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The Old Man : I told you not to use Lifebuoy!
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The Old Man : [In the Chinese restaurant, the waiter brings out the cooked duck, which still has its head on; Mrs. Parker is laughing] Yes, it's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see... it's smiling at me.
[He lifts the head of the duck]
Chinese Father : Ooohh!
[He chops off the duck's head. Mrs. Parker screams the she and the kids are laughing]
Ralphie as an Adult : That Christmas would live in our memories as the year we were introduced to Chinese turkey. And all is right with the world.
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[marveling at a Christmas gift he just opened]
The Old Man : A can of Simoniz!
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Ralphie : Mom, this is just the same old dumb parade as last year.
Mother : Ralphie, will you please calm down?
Ralphie : Mom!
Mother : Hush!
The Old Man : Shut up, Ralphie!
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The Old Man : Holy smokes. Do... Do you know what this is? This is... A lamp!
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] It was indeed a lamp.
The Old Man : Isn't that great? What a great lamp.
Mother : I don't know...
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] The old man's eyes boggled...
The Old Man : Oh WOW!
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] ... Overcome by art.
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The Old Man : Get in the car. Get in the car.
[Mother runs back inside]
The Old Man : If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees!
[turns back to the boys]
The Old Man : Go on, go on.
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating, as Mother switches off the leg lamp] My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver in the legendary battle of the lamp. The epic struggle which follows lives in the folklore of Cleveland Street to this very day.
Mother : Don't want to waste electricity.
The Old Man : [mimicking] "Don't want to waste electricity."
Mother : Come on, Ralphie. Get in the car.
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Mother : Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
The Old Man : Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS.
Mother : What is it this time?
The Old Man : Name the great characters in American literature.
Mother : Victor? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
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[Furnace makes creaking noise]
The Old Man : Hold it! Shhh...
[Furnace makes loud banging noises]
The Old Man : Aha! Aha! It's a clinkerrrr! That blasted, stupid furnace! Dadgummit!
[Mr. Parker falls down the stairs]
The Old Man : Damn skates!
[coughing]
The Old Man : Oh for cripe's sake, open up that damper, will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? Hawk head! Aw, blasted poop flirt rattle crap camel flirt. You blonker frattle feet sturckle frat! Of a womp sack butt ratter bottom fodder...
Ralphie as an Adult : In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
The Old Man : ...smick melly whop walker. Drop dumb fratten house stickle fifer!
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[the Bumpus hounds break in the house and raid the kitchen]
The Old Man : Oh, no! The turkey!
[the old man arrives too late to see that the dogs already devoured the turkey]
The Old Man : Oh, my... God! You sons of - !
[the dogs leave out the back door]
The Old Man : [shouts, high-pitched] SONS OF BITCHES! BUMPUSES!
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Ralphie : Well, what have we got here, folks?
The Old Man : Well, we figure it's Black Bart, uh, Ralph.
Ralphie : Well, it's just me and my trusty old Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range model air rifle. Lucky I got a compass in the stock.
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The Old Man : [Going inside the house after the Bumpus hounds devoured the Christmas turkey] All right! Everybody upstairs! Get dressed! We are going out... to eat!
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Mother : Here.
[Puts a heavy, round present in her husband's lap, and he groans]
Mother : From me to you.
The Old Man : [high-pitched:] Thanks a lot!
[Normal voice:]
The Old Man : I wonder what it could be.
[Unwraps it]
The Old Man : It's a blue ball. Aw, it's a bowling ball.
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The Old Man : It could be a bowling alley!
Mother : How are they going to deliver a bowling alley here tonight?
The Old Man : They'll send the deed for cripesake. I didn't expect them to send a whole damn bowling alley.
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The Old Man : [Reading Telegram and doing a little jig] Tonight! Tonight! It's coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!
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Ralphie : Hey, Dad! I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas!
The Old Man : [staring blissfully into space] A new furnace?
Ralphie : [chuckling] That's a good one, dad!
[Randy is laughing]
Ralphie as an Adult : My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.
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The Old Man : [to Mother] You know, Zudock just bought one of those brand-new green plastic trees.
Christmas Tree Man : Oh, no!
The Old Man : Darn thing looked like it was made of green pipe cleaners. Hee hee hee hee.
Mother : It's a very nice tree.
Christmas Tree Man : [quickly] I'll thrown in some rope and tie it to your car for you.
The Old Man : You got a deal.
Christmas Tree Man : Deal.
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The Old Man : [Explaining rather sheepishly to Mother why "Santa Claus" brought Ralphie the BB gun] I had one when I was eight years old.
Mother : What if he hurts himself?
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The Old Man : They traded Bullfrog? I don't believe it.
Mother : What's that?
The Old Man : Well for cripe's sake, the Sox traded Bullfrog the only player they've got, for Shottenhoffer. Four eyes Shottenhoffer, utility infielder. Got a whole lot of damn team of utility infielders.
Mother : That's nice.
