Zelig (1983)

Woody Allen: Leonard Zelig

Photos 

Quotes 

• Leonard Zelig : I'm 12 years old. I run into a Synagogue. I ask the Rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life... But, he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me six hundred dollars for Hebrew lessons.

• Leonard Zelig : I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people.

• Leonard Zelig : [in a hypnotic trance]  My brother beat me. My sister beat my brother. My father beat my sister and my brother and me. My mother beat my father and my sister and me and my brother. The neighbors beat our family. The people down the block beat the neighbors and our family.

• Leonard Zelig : But I've never flown before in my life, and it shows exactly what you can do, if you're a total psychotic!

• [Zelig thinks he's a psychiatrist] 

  Leonard Zelig : I worked with Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis envy. Freud felt that it should be limited to women.

• Leonard Zelig : [while under hypnosis]  Your cooking is terrible. Your pancakes - they're - I dump them in the garbage when you're not looking. And the jokes you try and tell when - when you think you're amusing, they're long and pointless, there's no end to them.

  Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : I see. And what else?

  Leonard Zelig : I wanna go to bed with you.

  Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : Oh, that surprises me. I didn't think you liked me very much.

  Leonard Zelig : I love you.

  Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : You do?

  Leonard Zelig : You're very sweet, 'cause you're - you're not as clever as you think you are. You're all mixed up, and nervous, and you're the worst cook. Those pancakes. Oh, I love you. I wanna take care of you. No more pancakes.

• Leonard Zelig : And to the, to the gentleman who's appendix I took out, I... I'm, I don't know what to say, if it's any consolation I... I may still have it somewhere around the house.

• [Leonard Zelig is apologizing on radio to all the people he misrepresented himself to] 

  Leonard Zelig : My deepest apology goes to the Trochman family in Detroit. I... I never delivered a baby before in my life, and I... I just thought that ice tongs was the way to do it.

• Leonard Zelig : I would like to apologize to everyone. I... I'm awfully sorry for, for marrying all those women. It just, I don't know, it just seemed like the thing to do.

• Leonard Zelig : I love baseball. You know, it doesn't have to mean anything. It's just very beautiful to watch.

• Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : Tell me why you assume the characteristics of the person you're with.

  Leonard Zelig : It's safe.

  Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : What do you mean? What do you mean, "safe"?

  Leonard Zelig : Safe to - to be like the others.

  Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : You want to be safe?

  Leonard Zelig : I wanna be liked.

• Leonard Zelig : I'm due back in town. I - I have this masturbation class, you know. If I'm not there, they start without me.

• Leonard Zelig : I gotta get back to town soon. You know, I teach a course at the psychiatric institute in masturbation and...

  Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : I see.

  Leonard Zelig : I'm a doctor, you know, and I...

  Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : I see. Guilt-related masturbation.

  Leonard Zelig : No, no, no, no. Not guilt-related. I - I teach advanced.

• Leonard Zelig : I think this guy Mussolini is a loser. Uh, are we ever gonna make love?

• Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : Who are you?

  Leonard Zelig : What do you mean, who am I? I don't know. These are tough questions.

  Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : Leonard Zelig.

  Leonard Zelig : Yes, definitely. Who is he?

  Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher : You.

  Leonard Zelig : No. I'm nobody. I'm nothing.

• Leonard Zelig : Brahms is just always too melodramatic for me.

• Leonard Zelig : You have to be your own person and make your own moral choices, even when they do require real courage, otherwise you're like a robot, or a lizard.