- Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears: The yellow sons of bitches, they took their own lives! Commie bastards, you cheated me!
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: You're Chocolate Chip Charlie!
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: Well, I sure as hell ain't the Kentucky Colonel!
- Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears: [after shooting guard who begins "bleeding" Stuff] I kinda like the sight of blood... but this is disgusting!
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: The name's Mo Rutherford. They call me that 'cause when people give me money, I always want mo'.
- Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears: We're Americans - we've never lost a war!
- Jason: What about 'Nam, sir?
- Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears: 'Nam? We lost that war at home, sonny.
- Jason: 'Scuse me, sir, I kinda just threw up in your car.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: I know!
- Jason: I'm sorry!
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: That's all right.
- Jason: I just ate shaving cream!
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: Everybody has to eat shaving cream once in a while
- Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears: I will permit this colored man to speak. But speak one word of the Commie party, or one word in code, and I will blow his head off.
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: Don't you know who I am? I am Chocolate-Chip Charlie! My hands are registered with the Medford, Georgia, police as lethal weapons, and I eat them guns for breakfast!
- [pursuing escaping Stuff]
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: You are not thinkin' about goin' after it!
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: I hope you got a gun on you, Charlie!
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: How many times am I supposed to tell you my hands are lethal weapons?
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: I hope you're right, 'cause if that thing tries to kill me, you kill me first!
- Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears: Pay the drivers, issue a ten-percent tip, get a cash receipt.
- Militants: Yes, sir!
- Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears: Proceed to the main lobby; we will reassemble! HUP!
- Jason: What am I supposed to do?
- Jason's Brother: What you're supposed to do? You're supposed to EAT IT, that's all; you eat it and eat as much of it as you can and you KEEP eating it!
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: Okay, lethal hands, kill the door.
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: Watch out for splinters.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: There nobody here but you?
- Gas Attendant: Well, don't you wanna wash your hands or somethin'? I put in a new towel!
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: Did you find anything out?
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: What you gonna find out, man, in a town that has just dried up and blown away, man? Must be a side effect of eatin' too much dessert. An urge to migrate.
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: The only thing Chocolate Chip Charlie knows better than fighting is running.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: Pick a direction!
- [First lines]
- Old Miner: [finds the Stuff bubbling out of the ground] What the hell is this? Sure smooth.
- [he tastes some]
- Old Miner: That tastes real good! Tasty! Sweet!
- Second Miner: Harry, what're you doin' down there, takin' a leak?
- Old Miner: No.
- Second Miner: Want us to wait for ya?
- Old Miner: No, you guys go on ahead. I'll catch up to ya later.
- [continues eating the Stuff]
- Old Miner: I'll be damned. Whatever that could be, it's mighty good.
- Miner: Harry, what're you doin' eatin' show?
- Old Miner: [eating Stuff] Are you outta your head, buddy? If this is snow, try it.
- [offers the other miner some]
- Miner: No, I don't eat snow.
- Old Miner: Come on, give it a try, that's not snow. Try it.
- Miner: [he tries it] What the hell is it?
- Old Miner: You know, if this stuff is bubbling out of the ground like this, there might be enough of it here that we could sell to people!
- Fletcher: Let go of it, Mr. Rutherford. You can't stop it.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: I can shut you down.
- Fletcher: [laughs] I don't know. I really don't know. I don't think anybody'd pay too much attention to a disreputable guy like you. You're a rogue; you're a crook in the pay of the ice cream companies just out trying to screw the competition.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: I could always kill you.
- [discussing the Stuff-possessed postman]
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: What do you think, Charlie?
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: The man is not in proper operating order.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: Absolutely.
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: I'd like to take him someplace and get him X-rayed.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: Yeah, but what if he doesn't wanna come along with us?
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: We snatch 'im.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: Oh, now, Charlie, I run a high-tech operation. I don't go in for things like that.
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: I got a few low-tech solutions for our problem. We hit that sucker over the head.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: Oh, well, ummm... we could do that.
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: We throw him in the trunk of the car.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: We could do that, too.
- 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie W. Hobbs: And we take off.
- David 'Mo' Rutherford: In whose car?