A Zed & Two Noughts (1985)

Eric Deacon: Oliver Deuce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Oswald Deuce : How fast does a woman decompose?

  Oliver Deuce : Six months, maybe a year? Depends on the conditions.

  Oswald Deuce : Does being pregnant make any difference?

  Oliver Deuce : No.

  Oswald Deuce : And the baby?

  Oliver Deuce : How far gone was she?

  Oswald Deuce : Perhaps ten weeks.

  Oliver Deuce : Then you'd never know.

  Oswald Deuce : [long pause]  I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away.

  [short pause] 

  Oswald Deuce : What is the first thing that happens?

  Oliver Deuce : The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine.

  Oswald Deuce : What sort of bacteria?

  Oliver Deuce : [matter-of-factly]  Bicosis populi. There are supposed to be 130,000 bicoses in each lick of a human tongue; 250,000 in a french kiss. First exchanged at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve.

  Oswald Deuce : Suppose Eve kissed Adam.

  Oliver Deuce : Unlikely. She used her first 100,000 on the apple.

• Alba Bewick : I am about to become a mother, and you are about to become a father... or fathers.

  Oswald Deuce : You what?

  Oliver Deuce : You are?

  Alba Bewick : I am.

  Oswald Deuce : Good lord.

  Oliver Deuce : You can?

  Alba Bewick : Of course! Is leglessness a form of contraception?

  Oswald Deuce : I'm not sure.

  Alba Bewick : You're not sure!

  Oswald Deuce : I'm delighted!

  Alba Bewick : You are delighted!

  [suspiciously] 

  Alba Bewick : A pregnant cripple and you are delighted? Think of what it will do to my sense of balance!

  Oswald Deuce : It might help! Give you more stability.

  Alba Bewick : Then you recommend it? Recommendation's one thing. A womb on crutches is another.

  Oliver Deuce : So... who's the father?

  Alba Bewick : Well, well, well. Why don't you discuss it between yourselves?

  Oliver Deuce : Why, don't you know?

  Alba Bewick : Grand dieu! Does an animal behaviorist need to ask such questions? As far as I'm concerned, you both are.

  Oswald Deuce : But you...

  Alba Bewick : NO BUTS!

  [smiling] 

  Alba Bewick : You're brothers, aren't you? What's a few spermatozoa among brothers!

• Oliver Deuce : Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable. Especially when they're trying to procure an abortion.