User Reviews

I've seen "Chains" before, and if I recall, I wasn't impressed the first time. They're all a bunch of lollypop gangsters, aren't they?

I believe it's a watered-down version of "The Warriors" with a droplet of "Enemy Territory" cordial.

There's a character in this called "The Dead Man." I'm guessing he's the dude who gets shot in the head early in the movie when he's saying, "Can you dig it?" So, one of the Warriors is still being chased by a gang from "The Wanderers," even though the Warriors were vindicated.

Dude looks like either Turbo from "Breakin" or Wesley Snipes; I'm not sure.

Either way, he's cornered by the Boyle Avenue Runners and faints.

Ponyboy Curtis steps up to the plate for his "Warriors" moment, sporting bleached hair that reeks of ammonia, as all the "Gangs of New York" scholars chant like maniacs as Ponyboy's street creed exceeds his reputation after shanking the Socs thug.

Ponyboy initiates the nightmare warrior through torture and branding and is then executed as Sally from "Commando" lurks in the shadows, imitating a neighborhood sniper who's perched up high like a bird and lays Ponyboy out cold with a single shot and no richochet. Meaning it never missed its mark and was dead on. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Thank you.

Ponyboy never even got the chance to ask, "Can you dig it?"

Meanwhile, four preppy upstate undergraduate separatists from "Judgment Night" enter the wrong place at the wrong time, you know how it goes, and venture into Englewood, where they pick up "Cheater," who's got that good stuff they sell in baggies.

Once again, "Chains" rips off "The Warriors" as a carload of barking humans drive around the railway in a mob still seeking out the Warriors.

In a moving moment in the movie, Ponyboy is cremated like Vader, and you can just hear Swayze saying, "I didn't mean to, Ponyboy. Don't go, Ponyboy. Ponyboy, please come back." Or was it, "Stay gold?" Either way, you can just hear that little boy from Shane saying, "Don't go, Shane. Shane, come back. Please stay gold, Shane." But Ponyboy's burned to ash and turned a drab gray color, not gold.

The four idiots from Inglewood, who somehow wound up in Englewood, barricade themselves in a cocaine factory and discover Ponyboy's secret stash of hair bleaching formula.

So, this is what taxpayers in Chicago do in their offtime-form gangs and hunt strangers at night? Hectic lifestyle.

The two preppy Mormon boys draw first blood when they flush some street trash down a toilet, head first, high school style. Dude looked like The Night Slasher, but he's faking it. Better keeps tabs on him even though he bought it by drowning in toilet water.

"Tracey, what happened?" Haphazard line delivery. Do you think you could put some oomph into it, fella?

Tracey cops one from the neighborhood sniper who's perched up high like a bird, but "Cheater" picks him off and delivers an equally sluggish movie line to finalize his point.

Why are they moping about and not bolting a hundred miles and running in the opposite direction to safety? Don't stay mobile; keep moving. The drive from the flashy restaurant to this red zone was only 8 miles.

The movie's so dark, I have to assume that's Segeant Elias creeping around with the box full of light bulbs and candles.

This Chains gang seems like a manufactured bunch of leftovers from the Scullions. They're being bested by the four preppy Mormon crew members who seem to have found their killer instinct and start murdering Sesame Street members left, right, and center while "Cheater" uses those green nuclear balls you see in "The Rock" to eliminate undesirables.

The disc jockey from "The Warriors," who has a smooth voice and ruby red lips, negotiates a deal with the Chains to bring in a hired gun called The Dead Man, and that's confusing as Ponyboy was killed at the start of the movie and burned to ash. Wasn't he The Dead Man?

There's a rivoting scene when Sergeant Elias and "Cheater" face off, and it's revealed that "Cheater" had just cause to sniper Ponyboy from the face of the earth based on an eye for an eye motivation. Ohhhh, so "Cheater's" the neighborhood sniper?

One of the Mormons is taken hostage and used as a bargaining chip, but this snare smells of entrapment to me.

"The Goonies" pirate mascot appears as a warning, or is it a Tampa Bay Buccaneers thing? Could possibly mean they're closer to the treasure?

To make matters worse, either Rambo or Chuck Norris shows up, and he's programmed to kill anything that walks.

Stalking the cocaine factory, The Dead Man displays all the symptoms of that whole, "I don't like Monday's" theory, picks off one of the preppy thugs, and continues to play hide and seek with the remaining victims, whose numbers are dwindling. This guy's just some "That Was Then, This Is Now" night crawler reject from "Savage Streets." Robert Z'Dar should have played the role of The Dead Man.

Only Sergeant Elias and one preppy Mormon girl make it out in the end, and there's no guarantee they'll make it from point A to point B in the daylight either.

Everyone else dies, including The Dead Man and Golden Boy from "The Outsiders." Who would have thought Chicago would be the backdrop for a violent gang movie, being so close to Lake Michigan?

The end.

In the time-honored tradition of ripping off movies such as Straw Dogs (1971), Assault On Precinct 13 (1976), The Warriors (1979), and Enemy Territory (1987) comes Chains, a slow-moving, uninvolving piece of tripe about two rich, spoiled couples, J.J., Paul, Tracy and Michelle, who are from the Chicago 'burbs who get lost on the mean streets of the south side - Chains territory. The couples are so dim, they either drive around in circles or sit in their car NOT DRIVING AWAY.

They team up with Geeter (Jourdan) a streetwise man who is in a rival gang called The Rippers, and is on the run from the Chains. All five of them hole up in an (of course) an abandoned warehouse and try to fight off the Chains and each other. For some reason, the posh white couple knows how to make bombs from material just lying around in the warehouse. One of them even says "My college education is paying off!" When The Dead Man (Eves) comes around to exterminate them all, you think all hell would break loose!...actually no...it does not.

The Chains are bit too silly to be tough and scary. There is the Billy Idol guy, The Run DMC guy, The Beardo, and of course Kano. Their graffiti pronounces "Finders Keepers, Losers DIE!" and "Chain Warriors". Just take out the word "Chain". If you're really feeling generous replace it with the word "Kroog". On the bright side, they have a "Chains Chant" which goes: "Chains. Chains. Chains." Much like the Stallone classic F.I.S.T. (1978), gangs (or unions) chant the title repeatedly and excitably. Another great example of gangs chanting can be found in L.A. Streetfighters (1985) Much like the Indians used every possible part of the buffalo, the Chains have many uses for their chains. They whip them around menacingly, strike people with them, wear them as belts and for chain wallets. They hang people by them and brand people with them.

Paul and J.J. are extremely annoying and unlikable. All J.J. does is spit snarky comments at everyone while proudly sporting his bolo tie. You actually want the Chains to kill them and that deflates the movie of any sort of tension, drama, or suspense whatsoever. We suspect J.J. really stands for "Jerk. Jerk." Jimi Jourdan as Geeter carries the movie. He does his best, but he can't save this sinking ship.

After a painful 80 minutes, the character of The Dead Man (not to be confused with the Jim Jarmusch film of the same name) appears. He is a last minute character who is far more interesting than the other characters. See also Provoked's Machine Gun Joe, Maximum Breakout's Cowboy, and of course Maximum Force's Bear.

Chains is not exactly a searing portrayal of gang life. It is dumb and slow beyond belief. The box art above makes it look awesome, but alas it is not. Released on VHS on the Imperial label, as was Ron Marchini's epic Karate Cop (1991). So that gives you some idea of what you are getting into.

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Hail, movie fans! !SPOILERS WITHIN! Sick of plots that keep you guessing? Me too! So I was over-joyed when presented with "Chains" as a birthday present. From the first 10 seconds I could predict exactly what would happen, who would die, and in what order. Forget complicated plots with twists and turns, Chains brings movie-making back to basics. Perhaps its only flaw is that the film almost allows the token black character to make it out alive. The plot seems to have been written before any characters were added. The film could have, and probably should have ended after 3mins 20 seconds, but for a life changing decision. Do we, a) drive off to safety, or b) hang around a dodgy neighbourhood, after luckily surviving one encounter with a street gang. Luckily for you, the viewer, our lead Quartet opted for option B, and the story goes from there. Where it goes, I'm not quite sure, neither are the actors, delivering each line independent of the film in general.

I whole heartedly recommend this film to all B-Movie lovers.

P.S. If you ever have somebody you suspect would like to kill you tied up on the floor, and you see him try to escape, just turn away and run. I'm sure everything will turn out fine.

PP.S, If your girlfriend has something to tell you, but wishes to do so "later", you can safely assume she's pregnant, and that either you, her , or both of you will end up dead by the end of the night's proceedings.

Happy viewing!!