Skin Deep (1989)

Vincent Gardenia: Barney

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Quotes 

• Zach : I figured it out, Barney. You can't cure a problem until you know what's causing the problem. But before you can see what's causing the problem, you first have to remove the problem.

  Barney : You've gotta give up the vices to get to the virtues. I could've told you that.

  Zach : Yeah? Why didn't you?

  Barney : You want it to take, you got to figure it out for yourself.

  Zach : Okay, wise guy, what's my problem?

  Barney : You're scared like the rest of us. You drink too much, you chase girls much too much, and you don't use your God-given talent anymore.

  Zach : You've known that all along?

  Barney : I'm a good bartender.

• Zach : You see, I truly love women.

  Barney : Oh, I see.

  Zach : I love everything about them, Barney. I love the way they feel, the way they smell, most of the time. I have to admit, I don't like women with long, round toenails. But that is the only abrogation so far. And so far has been quite a while and quite a few.

  Barney : Oh, that's true.

  Zach : I long for a meaningful, monogamous, healthy relationship. And I was sure I had it with Alex, but the truth is, Barney, in the deep dark silence of my considered conscience, where there's just me and me, the unmitigated truth is, I want it all.

  Barney : Hey, wanting is okay.

  Zach : I want a loving, faithful, caring, caretaking wife, and I wanna make love to everything else in long skirts, with bare feet and ripe, juicy mouths. Little boy-girls with small firm breasts and tight asses. Rubensque round women with big Mother Earth breasts and green eyes. God! I could go on and on.

  Barney : Don't. I'm getting a hard-on.

  Zach : Me too.

• Barney : Oh, shit. You drank me out of tequila.

  Zack Hutton : It was a dirty job, but somebody had to do it.

• Barney : Why did you wrap yourself in toilet paper?

  Zachary Hutton : Because I was cold.