A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1987–1995)
Stephen Fry: Various, Self, Gelliant Gutfright (The Seventh Dimension)
Photos
Quotes
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Stephen : The reason we're not going to do this sketch is that it contains a great deal of sex and violence.
Hugh : A great deal.
Stephen : Lots of sex and violence.
Hugh : That's right. During the sketch, Stephen hits me several times with a golf club.
Stephen : Which of course wouldn't matter except that I do it very sexily.
Hugh : That's the trouble, you see. He does it so sexily. I wish you could see it.
Stephen : And then the sketch ends with us going to bed together...
Hugh : ...violently.
Stephen : Very, very violently. Now this raises problems.
Hugh : Not for me.
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[Stephen enters a bookshop. Hugh is the assistant. Stephen stares at Hugh for a long time]
[holding up a book]
Stephen : Did you write this?
[examining book]
Hugh : Jane Eyre. No, that was Charlotte Brontë as a matter of fact.
Stephen : Right. Well, I'd like to see her then please.
Hugh : I'm afraid she's no longer with us.
Stephen : Oh? Indeed? I can hardly say I'm surprised. Where can I get in touch with her?
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[vox pop - as woman]
Stephen : Well, I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson.
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Barber : Which of sir's manifold hairs would he care to place in my professional care for the purposes of securing an encutment?
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Headmaster : I can't pretend to be much of a judge of poetry. I'm an English teacher, not a homosexual.
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[vox pop]
Stephen : Allergies? Well, I'm not good on strawberries, come out in a bit of a rash. The worst one though is Marmite. Only got to smell the stuff and I start voting Conservative.
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[vox pop]
Stephen : Secret vices? I don't know. Rather too fond of chocolate Hob Nobs. My wife tells me I overdo the heroin. Otherwise, not really.
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[Vox pop]
Stephen : So I said "Why don't you shove it where the sun don't shine" and so he did. He put it in the cupboard under the stairs and it hasn't been mentioned since.
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Stephen : Imagine a piano keyboard. Um, 88 keys, only 88, and yet, and yet, hundreds of new melodies, new tunes, new harmonies are being composed upon hundreds of different keyboards every day in Dorset alone. Now, our language, Tiger, our language. Hundreds of thousands of available words, frillions of legitimate new ideas... Hm? So that I can say the following sentence and be utterly sure that nobody has ever said it before in the history of human communication: "Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers."
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Stephen : I stooped to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around, I've no idea.
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Police Sgt. : I apprehended the accused and advised him of his rights. He replied, "Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole, you fusking cloff prunker."
Judge : "Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole you fusking... " er, cloth-blanket was it?
Lawyer : Er, I believe it was... er...
Judge : Yes, yes?
Lawyer : Cloff-prunker, m'lud.
Judge : I see. Forgive my ignorance, but what exactly is a "cloff-prunker"?
Lawyer : Well, m'lud, it's...
Judge : Yes?
Lawyer : It's... um... an illicit practice whereby one person... erm...
Judge : Well?
Lawyer : Whereby one person frangilates another's slimp, m'lud.
Judge : He does what?
Lawyer : He or she gratifies the other person by... smuctating them avially.
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Stephen : I suppose if I am honest I, erm, I use my penis as a sort of car substitute.
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Stephen : Delivery. In a modern society jokes must be delivered on time. If you experience any delivery where the timing is too...
Hugh : ...slow?
Stephen : ...or if the timing should be t...
Hugh : [interrupts Fry] quick, - or, if the joke never even...
[stops speaking]
Stephen : ...then the commission will be only too happy to look into it. The Comedy Charter. Peace of mind.
Hugh : Audience power.
Stephen : Your guarantee of satisfaction and delivery.
Hugh : Without dripping.
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[vox pop]
Stephen : Used to be this chap at my school called Richard Braine. You'll never guess our nickname for him. We used to call him Rick Brain. Oh, no, that can't be right.
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Stephen : We're going to leave you with tonight's cocktail recipe. This one's called "A Slow Snog With A Distant Relative". For this you'll need two measures of brandy, three of rum. One measure pink gin, one white. A dash of lemonade, a sprint of orange-juice, a spoonful of crushed Sugar Puffs, two hard-boiled eggs and an open-toed sandal, size nine if you can get it. Hit it, Mr Laurie, if you'd be so very kind.
[Hugh strikes up a jazzy sort of riff while Stephen mixes a "Slow Snog With A Distant Relative", spilling drinks everywhere]
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Stephen : If you try and kill them, you're put in prison; if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed.
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[vox pop - showing the places on his body]
Stephen : The cut me right round that way to see if they could find anything. Then they had a dig about down here. Still nothing. So they poked this thing up my... you know... had a look up there. Nothing. I'm going through the red channel next time.
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Various Characters : The trouble with David Icke is that he doesn't go quite far enough...
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Stephen : Yoda has taught you well.
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Stephen : So I dropped this Trifle on her head, and she got Custody.
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Taxi Driver : I mean, it's a thought, isn't it, eh? I mean, you can think about it, can't you, eh? I mean, it's a thought, you can think about it, eh? Eh? Know what I mean, eh?
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Hugh : Now, in your Manifesto you said you would be coming down hard on Homosexuals?
Various Characters : Let me assure you that I have been coming down very hard indeed on Homosexuals!
