A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1987–1995)

Hugh Laurie: Various Characters

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stephen : The reason we're not going to do this sketch is that it contains a great deal of sex and violence.

  Hugh : A great deal.

  Stephen : Lots of sex and violence.

  Hugh : That's right. During the sketch, Stephen hits me several times with a golf club.

  Stephen : Which of course wouldn't matter except that I do it very sexily.

  Hugh : That's the trouble, you see. He does it so sexily. I wish you could see it.

  Stephen : And then the sketch ends with us going to bed together...

  Hugh : ...violently.

  Stephen : Very, very violently. Now this raises problems.

  Hugh : Not for me.

• Hugh : Then I was Princess Anne's assistant for a while, but I chucked that in because it was obvious they were never going to make me Princess Anne, no matter how well I did the job. It was a question of who you were, rather than how well you did, you know, and I hate that.

• [Stephen enters a bookshop. Hugh is the assistant. Stephen stares at Hugh for a long time] 

  [holding up a book] 

  Stephen : Did you write this?

  [examining book] 

  Hugh : Jane Eyre. No, that was Charlotte Brontë as a matter of fact.

  Stephen : Right. Well, I'd like to see her then please.

  Hugh : I'm afraid she's no longer with us.

  Stephen : Oh? Indeed? I can hardly say I'm surprised. Where can I get in touch with her?

• Stephen : You have a daughter, I believe?

  Hugh : Yeah. Yeah, Henrietta.

  Stephen : Did he, did he? I'm sorry to hear that.

• [vox pop - as policeman] 

  Hugh : People often ask what we keep under our helmets. Well, I'll show you.

  [takes off his helmet and looks very pleased with himself - puts his hand on top of his head and feels around] 

  Hugh : Hold up, some bastard's nicked it.

• Hugh : Good evening and welcome to "Realizing I've Given The Wrong Directions To... ". Tonight I shall be Realizing I've Given The Wrong Directions To Rabbi Michael Leibovitz. Rabbi...

  [suddenly realises, mutters:] 

  Hugh : Oh, god.

• [vox pop] 

  Hugh : And then my bereavement counsellor died. I didn't know who to turn to.

• Hugh : Hello and welcome to "Flying a Light Aeroplane Without Having Had Any Formal Instruction With... ".

• Stephen : [General]  What does it say on the name plate on my desk Jacobson?

  Hugh : [Jacobson]  "The Buck Stops At My Ass" sir.

• Police Sgt. : I apprehended the accused and advised him of his rights. He replied, "Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole, you fusking cloff prunker."

  Judge : "Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole you fusking... " er, cloth-blanket was it?

  Lawyer : Er, I believe it was... er...

  Judge : Yes, yes?

  Lawyer : Cloff-prunker, m'lud.

  Judge : I see. Forgive my ignorance, but what exactly is a "cloff-prunker"?

  Lawyer : Well, m'lud, it's...

  Judge : Yes?

  Lawyer : It's... um... an illicit practice whereby one person... erm...

  Judge : Well?

  Lawyer : Whereby one person frangilates another's slimp, m'lud.

  Judge : He does what?

  Lawyer : He or she gratifies the other person by... smuctating them avially.

• Stephen : Delivery. In a modern society jokes must be delivered on time. If you experience any delivery where the timing is too...

  Hugh : ...slow?

  Stephen : ...or if the timing should be t...

  Hugh : [interrupts Fry]  quick, - or, if the joke never even...

  [stops speaking] 

  Stephen : ...then the commission will be only too happy to look into it. The Comedy Charter. Peace of mind.

  Hugh : Audience power.

  Stephen : Your guarantee of satisfaction and delivery.

  Hugh : Without dripping.

• [vox pop] 

  Hugh : I just wish they hadn't called it the Common Market. Is that snobbish of me? I mean why not the Nice Market? It would be so much nicer.

• Hugh : [as Peter]  What the hell ever happened to the old John?

  Stephen : [as John]  We pulled it up when we put in the carpark.

• Doctor : Frank, this is called inter-oral, extra-nasal respiratory relaxant therapy, and - as the name implies - this an American technique.

• [vox pop] 

  Hugh : Moira Stewart... and Jill Gascoigne... neither of them wrote back. Can you believe these people? I mean how much trouble can it be to just bung a pair of stockings in the post?

• [vox pop] 

  Hugh : I don't know much about pornography. But I know what I like.

• [vox pop - With beautiful woman on arm] 

  Hugh : Yes, indeed. Very happily married. Very happily married indeed. My wife's away at the moment visiting her sister in Wales, but very...

  [suddenly realises] 

  Hugh : Is this going out on television?

  [turns to beautiful woman] 

  Hugh : Who the hell are you? Go away! Honestly...

• [Vox pop] 

  Hugh : We had our first child on the NHS, and had to wait nine months. Can you believe it?

• [vox pop] 

  Hugh : I can't stop now, my wife is being towed away.

• [repeated line] 

  Stephen , Hugh : Soupy Twist!

• Hugh : How did you manage to keep Nancy?

  Stephen : I've never been Nancy.

• [vox pop] 

  Hugh : We took the caravan down to Dorset this year, and pushed it over a cliff.

• [vox pop] 

  Hugh : What's the difference between a man and a woman?

  [no reply] 

  Hugh : Oh.

  [wanders off and stops someone else] 

  Hugh : Excuse me. What's the difference between a man and a woman?

• [a chemist's counter: Hugh strides up to confront the shop assistant] 

  Assistant : Can I help you?

  Hugh : Yes please. I'd like eight packets of condoms, please.

  Assistant : Eight?

  Hugh : Eight. Four of them featherlite, three of them ribbed,

  [half sotto voce] 

  Hugh : the new single by Jason Donovan,

  [loud again] 

  Hugh : and one multi-coloured pack of Fiestas.

  Assistant : Jason Donovan?

  Hugh : That's right. Can you make sure they're all sensitol lubricated?

• Hugh : I would like the latest book by Alfred Cunterblast, please.

• Hugh : Now, in your Manifesto you said you would be coming down hard on Homosexuals?

  Various Characters : Let me assure you that I have been coming down very hard indeed on Homosexuals!