Grumpy Old Men (1993)
Walter Matthau: Max Goldman
Photos
Quotes
-
Max Goldman : Good morning, dickhead.
John Gustafson : Hello, moron.
-
Max Goldman : You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.
John Gustafson : Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.
Max Goldman : She was to me.
John Gustafson : I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!
Max Goldman : She was to me.
John Gustafson : Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!
Max Goldman : She was the best.
John Gustafson : Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!
Max Goldman : Yeah!
John Gustafson : Yeah.
Max Goldman : What?
John Gustafson : What?
Max Goldman : Huh?
John Gustafson : Huh?
John Gustafson : What...?
[Both forget what they were arguing about]
-
Max Goldman : When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.
-
Jacob : You're a child.
Max Goldman : Don't tell me Jacob; it isn't me.
Jacob : Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.
Max Goldman : 38!
-
Max Goldman : John! John! Are you dead?
John Gustafson : Not yet. But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.
-
Max Goldman : [Knows that John is hiding and listening, but can't give himself away] You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder : Have you seen him?
Max Goldman : The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder : Medication?
Max Goldman : Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.
-
Max Goldman : Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.
-
Max Goldman : Hey Gustafson, your cat crapped on my steps again.
John Gustafson : Yeah, who says you can't train a cat?
-
Max Goldman : You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson : Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman : You bet.
John Gustafson : Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman : Dead! Died on impact!
John Gustafson : Jacob, moron, Jacob!
-
Weatherman : Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr!
Max Goldman : Oh, shut up, fatass!
-
Max Goldman : If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.
-
Max Goldman : Did you win the Lottery Dickhead?
John Gustafson : Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?
-
Max Goldman : Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?
John Gustafson : Just mind your own business, will ya?
Max Goldman : Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.
-
John Gustafson : Moron!
Max Goldman : Putz!
-
Max Goldman : Gotta use *hot* water, dickhead!
-
Max Goldman : Up yours, Gustafson.
-
Max Goldman : She chose me, and anyone who says different is a damn liar!
-
Max Goldman : Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.
-
[repeated line]
Max Goldman : Holy moly!
-
John Gustafson : Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
Max Goldman : Hypothermia's a bitch. Not quick like a stroke.
John Gustafson : A stroke is no good. You could end up like a vegetable. Give me a cardiac any day.
