- Thanatos: First you defy me? Then you mock my hair? You're dead!
- [pulls out a gun]
- Burt Wilson: Look out!
- [covers Sean, gets shot, Thanatos finds the gun empty and runs away]
- Burt Wilson: Get him!
- Burt Wilson: Give me 20 bucks for the cabbie, quick.
- Sean Armstrong: Keep the change.
- Cabbie: [sarcastically] Gee! A whole quarter.
- Burt Wilson: A quarter? Gimme that! This ain't Christmas!
- Sean Armstrong: [Corinne almost hacks off Sean's hand for touching her pie] Nice shot.
- Corinne: What do you mean nice? I was aiming for your wrist, what are you doing in my kitchen?
- Sean Armstrong: I'm Sean Armstrong, the bodyguard.
- Corinne: Mr. Nanny!
- Sean Armstrong: [Corrine's writing Sean's name on a list of nannies] What're you doing?
- Corinne: This place is like the roach motel, the nannies check in...
- Sean Armstrong: - But they don't check out. Yeah... that's not so many names.
- Corinne: Kuh!
- [Presses a button, causing the list to drop down several sheets]
- Sean Armstrong: Oh... I can handle myself.
- [Walks into a door]
- Corinne: I hope your Blue Cross is paid up!
- Sean Armstrong: Show some respect, Burt saved my life.
- Burt Wilson: Oh yeah, I took a bullet for this guy, nicked an artery, you should've seen the blood pumping out, ka-bloom, ka-bloom, ka-bloom - nearly hit the ceiling.
- Kate Mason: Eeeew!
- Alex Mason, Jr.: Cool!
- Thanatos: I ordered you to throw that match, cost me money, big money!
- Burt Wilson: Oh yeah? Bigger than your hair?
- Sean Armstrong: We don't throw matches.
- Burt Wilson: Yeah, tell ya what, if you was soaked in some gasoline, we'd throw some matches, y'know the flaming kind, and with that fur-ball on top of your head, you'd make one hell of a torch.
- [laughs]
- Sean Armstrong: Must've hit him pretty hard, he landed head first in the swimming pool of the hotel next door.
- Alex Mason, Jr.: Must've made a killer splash!
- Sean Armstrong: Na, the pool was empty, it would've killed him, but his hair cushioned the fall.
- Burt Wilson: Of course they couldn't scrape up all of his brain goo but he got a nice metal plate in the slammer.
- Sean Armstrong: If you're getting ready for a fight, you just need attitude, not muscles.
- Alex Mason, Jr.: That's easy for you to say when you're the size of a redwood.
- Sean Armstrong: I was a big kid, I still got whooped every day. My old man never taught me to take care of myself, he never taught me nothing.
- Alex Mason, Jr.: So how'd you get them to stop beating on you?
- Sean Armstrong: I graduated.
- Alex Mason, Jr.: Oh.
- Sean Armstrong: Then this little guy Burt taught me some attitude.
- Alex Mason, Sr.: The agency won't send us anymore nannies.
- Alex Mason, Jr.: Is that why you brought home Frankenstein?
- Alex Mason, Sr.: Alex!
- Sean Armstrong: [Corinne hits him with a frying pan] What'd you do that for?
- Corinne: For making a mess, Porky!
- Sean Armstrong: You could've asked me to clean it up.
- Corinne: Sure but where's the fun in that?
- Burt Wilson: You know I'm going to need a partner here.
- Sean Armstrong: Thanks but you know I haven't had a vacation since... since I met you.
- Burt Wilson: Vacation? Well you know if you need me I can get out of this monkey suit at any time.
- Corinne: And how far do you think you're going to get on TWO broken legs?
- Kate Mason: I can't sleep.
- Sean Armstrong: Do what you did last night.
- Kate Mason: I couldn't sleep then either.
- Sean Armstrong: You must've slept sometime.
- Kate Mason: Yeah, before my mommy went to Heaven.
- Sean Armstrong: You know, my dad died when I was a kid, but I don't think he went to Heaven.
- Kate Mason: You mean he went to...
- [Sean nods]
- Kate Mason: Oh.
- Sean Armstrong: [after getting drenched in the bathroom] Kids. They're just...
- Alex Mason, Jr.: [from downstairs] Sean, dinner! Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy! SOOEY!
- Sean Armstrong: kids.
- Guard #1: Where do you think you're going?
- Sean Armstrong: I'm looking for Mr. Mason.
- Guard #1: Is that so? Get off the bike.
- Sean Armstrong: What for?
- Guard #1: Just do it, butthead!
- Sean Armstrong: Forget it.
- Guard #1: Are you deaf or just plain stupid?
- Sean Armstrong: No, I've just got a real low tolerance for gorillas in rent-a-cop suits.
- Guard #1: Gorillas, huh?
- [hits Sean's bike with nightstick]
- Sean Armstrong: Shouldn't have done that.
- [fights back]
- Alex Mason, Sr.: [sees Sean taking down four guards] This is the bodyguard?
- Frank Olsen: Uh, terrible mistake, sir. I'll get rid of him immediately.
- Alex Mason, Sr.: Wrong! He's incredible. Obviously a real pro.
- Burt Wilson: [when Sean wants to quit] Do me one last favor.
- Sean Armstrong: What's that?
- Burt Wilson: Go by my house and turn off the gas in my oven.
- Sean Armstrong: Why can't you turn it off?
- Burt Wilson: BECAUSE MY HEAD'S GONNA BE IN IT!
- Burt Wilson: [on the phone, while his stuff is being repossessed] I can't believe I'm talking to the same Sean Armstrong that I traveled all over this great country with. A man of strength and courage, who defeated every vile, vulgar opponent he ever faced. And now, this fearless giant is cowering because of two little innocent children!
- Sean Armstrong: [playing ballerinas with Kate] Burt, lovely to see you. You look positively effervescent. May I offer you tea? Perhaps a watercress sandwich?
- Burt Wilson: Knock it off! And get outta that thing!
- Sean Armstrong: Oh! You mean my leotard? Ah, the ballet. It enhances grace. I'm a changed man.
- [Sean picks Burt up]
- Burt Wilson: Aah! Hey! Put me down, you klutz!
- Sean Armstrong: I'm not a klutz anymore, Burtinsky.
- [trips over rolled-up rug]
- Sean Armstrong: Oh!
- [crashes into potted plants]
- Kate Mason: He's not as far along as I thought.
- Sean Armstrong: Darn, I jet'ed when I should've pli'ed.
- Burt Wilson: And I used to share a hotel room with you?
- Alex Mason, Jr.: [Armstrong has just fallen into a swimming pool of red dye] Wow! Now all he needs is a pitchfork and a pointy tail.
- Sean Armstrong: That... is... it.
- [slips back into pool]
- Sean Armstrong: Whoa!
- Alex Mason, Jr.: See ya!
- Corinne: [Burt's knocking on the door] Coming, I'm coming.
- [Knocking continues]
- Corinne: I said I'm coming!
- [Swings the door open]
- Burt Wilson: Mama!
- Corinne: How would you like that cane up your nose?
- Sean Armstrong: [drives up near the kids' school] This is my old school, you mean to tell me you guys go to public school?
- Alex Mason, Jr.: Ooooooohhh, he can read. Our dad did think it was a great place... but when he finds out you used to go here...
- [Sean drives up to the school]
- Alex Mason, Jr.: Hey what're you doing? It's hard enough fitting in without everyone knowing we have a Rolls Royce.
- Sean Armstrong: What're you talking about?
- Kate Mason: Alex has no friends.
- Sean Armstrong: Like I'm so surprised.