Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
Cary Elwes: Robin Hood
Photos
Quotes
-
Robin Hood : I've come to warn you that if you do not stop levying these evil taxes, I shall lead the good people of England in a revolt against you.
Prince John : And why should the people listen to you?
Robin Hood : Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.
[referring to the then-recent blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, in which Kevin Costner played the role with an American accent]
-
Robin Hood : As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... my friend Ahchoo.
Crowd : A black sheriff?
Blinkin : He's black?
Ahchoo : And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
-
Robin Hood : I lost. I lost? Wait a second, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.
-
Robin Hood : Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin : I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood : He's dead?
Blinkin : Yes...
Robin Hood : And my mother?
Blinkin : She died of pneumonia while...
[Remembers]
Blinkin : Oh, you were away!
Robin Hood : My brothers?
Blinkin : There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood : My dog, Pongo?
Blinkin : Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood : My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin : Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood : [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin : Choked on the goldfish.
[pause]
Blinkin : Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?
-
Robin Hood : Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.
Blinkin : A Jew? Here?
Robin Hood : No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.
-
Maid Marian : I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.
Robin Hood : Well, that's easy. I won't.
Maid Marian : Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.
Robin Hood : An archery contest?
Maid Marian : Their archer is unbeatable.
Robin Hood : Really?
Maid Marian : Robin, promise you won't go.
Robin Hood : All right, I promise you won't go.
Maid Marian : Thank you.
[stops for a second, confused]
Ahchoo : But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...
Robin Hood : Cool it...
Ahchoo : Chilled.
-
Blinkin : Oh Master Robin!
[hugging a replica statue of the Venus de Milo]
Blinkin : You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs.
Robin Hood : Blinkin, I'm over here.
-
Robin Hood : You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman : Faygeles?
[clears their throats, trying to act macho]
Robin Hood : No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.
Rabbi Tuckman : As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
Robin Hood : I am Robin of Loxley.
Rabbi Tuckman : Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!
-
Sheriff of Rottingham : [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it] I challenge you to a duel.
Robin Hood : [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down] I accept!
Sheriff of Rottingham : That's going to cost you, Loxley.
Robin Hood : Please, put it on my bill.
Sheriff of Rottingham : So, it's come down to this, has it? A fight to the death. Mano a mano, man to man. Just you and me and my *GUARDS*!
-
[Blinkin, the blind man, is up in a perch looking out for strangers]
Robin Hood : Blinkin! What are you doing?
Blinkin : Guessing. I guess no one's coming.
-
Sheriff of Rottingham : King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Robin Hood , Maid Marian : What?
Sheriff of Rottingham : I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
Robin Hood : Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
[crowd gasps]
Prince John : Careful Robin, you go too far.
-
Ahchoo : [after Blinkin catches an arrow] Blinkin! How did you do that?
Blinkin : I heard that coming a mile away.
Robin Hood : Right-o, Blinkin, very good.
Blinkin : Pardon? Who's talking?
-
Ahchoo : [standing by a creek as Robin is about to fight Little John to cross the bridge] Look, Robin, you don't have to do this. I mean, this ain't exactly the Mississippi. I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank. It's not that critical.
Robin Hood : Not the point. It's the principle of the thing.
Ahchoo : Nice knowing you.
-
Robin Hood : Kindly let me pass.
Little John : Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.
[Proudly]
Little John : I made that up.
Robin Hood : It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.
-
[Robin crashes Prince John's party, and slams a wild pig on the table]
Prince John : Traif.
Robin Hood : A present for you and your guest.
Sheriff of Rottingham : That's a wild boar!
Robin Hood : No, no. That's a wild pig.
[Robin points at Prince John]
Robin Hood : That's a wild boar.
-
[Ahchoo has released Robin from a noose]
Robin Hood : Nice shooting, Ahchoo.
Ahchoo : To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.
-
Robin Hood : [trying to unlock the chastity belt] Um, darling?
Maid Marian : [in sultry voice] What?
Robin Hood : You're not going to believe this...
Maid Marian : What?
Robin Hood : It won't open!
Maid Marian : WHAT?
Robin Hood : Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!
-
Robin Hood : Goodbye, my dearest.
[waves]
Robin Hood : Toodle-oo. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Ciao. Ding dow dai.
-
Robin Hood : [first meeting Blinkin the blind servant] BLINKIN!
Blinkin : Master Robin, Is that you?
Robin Hood : Yes.
Blinkin : What back from the Crusades?
Robin Hood : Yes.
Blinkin : And alive?
Robin Hood : [pause] yes.
-
Robin Hood : And who might you be?
Little John : Oh, they call me "Little John".
Little John : [Suddenly becomes very concerned] But... but don't let my name fool you! In real life, I'm very *big*.
Robin Hood : I'll take your word for it.
-
Rabbi Tuckman : I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.
Merry Men : 'ello Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman : Hello boys!
Robin Hood : A moyel. I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.
Rabbi Tuckman : A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.
Scarlet : What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?
Rabbi Tuckman : It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!
Little John : I'll take one!
Ahchoo : Hey, put me down for two!
Robin Hood : I'm game. How's it done?
Rabbi Tuckman : It's a snap.
[demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]
Rabbi Tuckman : I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...
[releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]
Rabbi Tuckman : I nip the tip! Who's first?
[groans from the Merry Men]
Little John : I changed me mind!
Ahchoo : I forgot, I already got one.
Blinkin : [puts his hand in the air] Question...
[Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]
Rabbi Tuckman : I gotta start working with a younger crowd.
-
Guard : Robin of Loxley, where is your king?
Robin Hood : King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?
-
Robin Hood : Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.
Maid Marian : But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.
Robin Hood : But...
Maid Marian : Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.
Robin Hood : Yes...
Maid Marian : Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!
-
Rabbi Tuckman : [performing the marriage] Robin, do you?
Robin Hood : I do.
Rabbi Tuckman : Marian, do you?
Maid Marian : I do.
Rabbi Tuckman : I now pronounce you man and...
King Richard : I object!
Rabbi Tuckman : Who asked?
-
Robin Hood : Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?
[Merry Men snicker]
Rabbi Tuckman : Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.
Merry Men : Awwwww...
Rabbi Tuckman : [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered
[drunk]
Rabbi Tuckman : Join me!
Robin Hood : Let's hear it for the Rabbi!
Merry Men : [Cheer]
-
Robin Hood : [carrying Marian to the bed] Oh my darling, at last.
Maid Marian : [sliding his hand to the key to unlock her chastity belt] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Broomhilde : [rushes into the room] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Robin Hood : [groans]
Broomhilde : You are not married yet! Before you do it, you must go through it! Or else I blew it.
-
Robin Hood : [fighting the Sheriff of Rottingham's men] Watch my back!
Ahchoo : [literally leaning over and watching his back] Your back just got punched twice.
Robin Hood : Thank you!
-
Robin Hood : Good people, who have travelled from villages near and far! Lend me your ears!
Robin Hood : [Crowd proceeds to pull off ears and throw them at Robin]
Robin Hood : That's disgusting!
-
Maid Marian : Oh, darling, don't despair! For it is written on a scroll: "One day, he, who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my... virginity."
Robin Hood : Oh, Marian, if only 'twere me.
Maid Marian : Oh, if 'twere you, 'twould be... twerrific.
-
[Rottingham slices off Robin's necklace, sending his key flying. The key falls into the lock of Marian's chastity belt]
Robin Hood : It is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!
Maid Marian : This means you've always been my one true love because it's just the right size!
Sheriff of Rottingham : It's not the size that counts... It's how you use it!
-
Robin Hood : Prepare for the fight scene!
-
Robin Hood : Hey, Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman : [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?
Robin Hood : It is I, Robin! We wish to get married in a hurry!
Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry? That's wonderful! Wait, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.
[goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]
Rabbi Tuckman : Put a little ice on it. It'll be fine.
[walking to Robin]
Rabbi Tuckman : Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the bris.
-
[Ahchoo is getting beaten up by a group of soldiers and as Robin who is riding his horse searches for Ahchoo, he suddenly saw Ahchoo getting beaten up by a group of soldiers]
Robin Hood : Ahchoo?
[the soldiers briefly stop beating Ahchoo and face Robin Hood]
Soldiers : Bless you!
[the soldiers continues to beat up Ahchoo]
Ahchoo : Man, I hope someone is getting a video of this!
-
Asneeze : I am Asneeze, father of Ahchoo.
Robin Hood : Bless you.
Asneeze : No no no, Ahchoo is my son.
-
Robin Hood : This is Ahchoo.
Little John : Bless you!
Ahchoo : [laughs] No, that's my name, man. Ahchoo.
-
Robin Hood : Ah! Right rope!
-
The Hangman : [In a Jocular mood] Let's see, are you about a 16, 16 1/2?
[mimics hanging himself, then hums as he selects a noose and places it around Robin's neck]
The Hangman : There.
Robin Hood : It's a little tight.
The Hangman : That's the idea. Would you care for a blind fold?
[Robin shakes his head; the hangman raises his eyepatch]
The Hangman : How about half a one? Get it, sir?
-
[Robin has just been chained in Le Dungeon]
Asneeze : You are very brave for not a homeboy.
Robin Hood : Oh, thank you.
Asneeze : I've been in here for a while. Perhaps I could be of service. Do you have any questions?
Robin Hood : What are you in for?
Asneeze : Jaywalking.
-
Blinkin : [as Robin fights one of Prince John's knights, Blinkin approaches with a tray of water; Robin doesn't look at the knight and takes a drink] It sounds like we're winning, sire.
Robin Hood : [Finishing his drink] Yes. Very good, Blinkin. Carry on.
-
Robin Hood : [flirting with Marian] Rumors of your beauty have traveled far and wide, yet I see they hardly do you justice.
Prince John : [to Rottingham, under his breath] Quite a smoothie. He's definitely a smoothie.
-
Robin Hood : Well, it's been a wonderful party and we'd love to stay and all that, but, um, I'm afraid we really must dash. So, ta-ta.
Broomhilde : ["catching" a kiss he blows to Marian] No, no, no!
-
Robin Hood : [freed from a noose] I believe this belongs to you, sir.
The Hangman : Well, you know what they say, no noose is good noose.
-
Robin Hood : By the by, do you know praying mantis?
Ahchoo : You're looking at him.
-
Robin Hood : It's not gonna be easy getting out of here. What we need is a great feat of strength.
Asneeze : Feat of strength? Au contraire! Now that you are here with me, what we have is great strength of feet!
Robin Hood : [not getting it] Don't follow.
Asneeze : Do as I do. Put your feet on the bar, both feet. Now, on the count of kick... kick!
Robin Hood : [they manage to pry the bar open] Ha ha!
Assistant Saracen Guard : What was that?
[as he comes in, they move it back into position]
Assistant Saracen Guard : What was that noise?
Robin Hood : [playing dumb] Uh, noise? Noise?
Asneeze : Um.. uh, uh, uh, uh... the-the noise you heard was the breaking of this poor man's heart.
Robin Hood : [playing along] Yes, that's it!
[holding his chest]
Robin Hood : Ohh!
Assistant Saracen Guard : What?
Asneeze : He's decided to save his own life by betraying his king. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Robin Hood : Oh, yes, that's it. Oh, damn my eyes.
Asneeze : So, go. Go tell your superiors before he changes his mind.
Assistant Saracen Guard : Oh, by the love of Allah, this is a wonderful thing!
-
Robin Hood : My darling, you're... you're shivering. Are you cold? What are you wearing underneath that cape?
Maid Marian : Practically nothing.
Robin Hood : Ohh...
[as he leans in to kiss her, a clanging is heard]
Maid Marian : Oh, except that. I forgot to tell you about my chastity belt. It's an Everlast.
Robin Hood : [groaning in pain] I'll bet.
-
Robin Hood : [in a sword fight with Rottingham] Parry, parry, thrust, thrust. Good!
-
Robin Hood : I lost! I lost? Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose! Let me see the script.
[Pulls out his script and finds the archery scene]
Robin Hood : Wait! I get another shot?
Maid Marian : Does Robin get another shot?
Sheriff of Rottingham , Prince John : [Pulling out their copies of the script] Yes, he does, he does.
