Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Amy Yasbeck: Marian

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maid Marian : I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.

  Robin Hood : Well, that's easy. I won't.

  Maid Marian : Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.

  Robin Hood : An archery contest?

  Maid Marian : Their archer is unbeatable.

  Robin Hood : Really?

  Maid Marian : Robin, promise you won't go.

  Robin Hood : All right, I promise you won't go.

  Maid Marian : Thank you.

  [stops for a second, confused] 

  Ahchoo : But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...

  Robin Hood : Cool it...

  Ahchoo : Chilled.

• Sheriff of Rottingham : King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!

  Robin Hood , Maid Marian : What?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?

  Robin Hood : Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?

  [crowd gasps] 

  Prince John : Careful Robin, you go too far.

• Robin Hood : [trying to unlock the chastity belt]  Um, darling?

  Maid Marian : [in sultry voice]  What?

  Robin Hood : You're not going to believe this...

  Maid Marian : What?

  Robin Hood : It won't open!

  Maid Marian : WHAT?

  Robin Hood : Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!

• Maid Marian : Wait!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : What for?

  Maid Marian : If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.

  Prince John : Oooohhh.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Oh? And what's that?

  Maid Marian : I shall marry you.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?

  Maid Marian : Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Oh, oh yes! I respect that.

• Robin Hood : Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.

  Maid Marian : But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.

  Robin Hood : But...

  Maid Marian : Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.

  Robin Hood : Yes...

  Maid Marian : Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!

• Rabbi Tuckman : [performing the marriage]  Robin, do you?

  Robin Hood : I do.

  Rabbi Tuckman : Marian, do you?

  Maid Marian : I do.

  Rabbi Tuckman : I now pronounce you man and...

  King Richard : I object!

  Rabbi Tuckman : Who asked?

• Robin Hood : [carrying Marian to the bed]  Oh my darling, at last.

  Maid Marian : [sliding his hand to the key to unlock her chastity belt]  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

  Broomhilde : [rushes into the room]  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  Robin Hood : [groans] 

  Broomhilde : You are not married yet! Before you do it, you must go through it! Or else I blew it.

• Maid Marian : Oh, darling, don't despair! For it is written on a scroll: "One day, he, who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my... virginity."

  Robin Hood : Oh, Marian, if only 'twere me.

  Maid Marian : Oh, if 'twere you, 'twould be... twerrific.

• [Rottingham slices off Robin's necklace, sending his key flying. The key falls into the lock of Marian's chastity belt] 

  Robin Hood : It is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!

  Maid Marian : This means you've always been my one true love because it's just the right size!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : It's not the size that counts... It's how you use it!

• Maid Marian : Broomhilde, there's a foul plot afoot.

  Broomhilde : It's not my feet, I just washed them.

• [Robin is being made to watch Marian's wedding from the gallows] 

  Abbot : Do you, Sheriff of Rottingham, take Marian of Bahgel to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : YES I DO! Get on with it!

  Abbot : And do you, Marian, vow to do all the stuff I just said?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : [to Marian]  Say I do, or Robin dies!

  Maid Marian : I... I do...

  [Ahchoo shoots through Robin's noose] 

  Maid Marian : NOT!

• Maid Marian : Oh Broomhilde, look! A happy little bluebird! Hello!

  [the bird lands on her finger] 

  Maid Marian : This means I must make a wish. I wish against wish, I hope against hope, that the heavens bring me a kind and wonderful gentleman who possesses the key to my...

  [looks at her chastity belt, then looks at Broomhilde] 

  Maid Marian : heart.

  [bird flies away] 

  Maid Marian : Goodbye, my little friend.

  Broomhilde : Ooh, that happy little bluebird has left a happy little do-do on your hand!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : Well, I must say that, uh, Prince John has spared no expense for tonight's party. We have exotic foods from across the seas. Coconuts, bananas, and dates. Would you care for a date?

  Maid Marian : Oh, yes, thank you.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : How about next Thursday?

• Robin Hood : My darling, you're... you're shivering. Are you cold? What are you wearing underneath that cape?

  Maid Marian : Practically nothing.

  Robin Hood : Ohh...

  [as he leans in to kiss her, a clanging is heard] 

  Maid Marian : Oh, except that. I forgot to tell you about my chastity belt. It's an Everlast.

  Robin Hood : [groaning in pain]  I'll bet.

• Robin Hood : I lost! I lost? Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose! Let me see the script.

  [Pulls out his script and finds the archery scene] 

  Robin Hood : Wait! I get another shot?

  Maid Marian : Does Robin get another shot?

  Sheriff of Rottingham , Prince John : [Pulling out their copies of the script]  Yes, he does, he does.