Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Roger Rees: Sheriff of Rottingham

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sheriff of Rottingham : [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it]  I challenge you to a duel.

  Robin Hood : [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down]  I accept!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : That's going to cost you, Loxley.

  Robin Hood : Please, put it on my bill.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : So, it's come down to this, has it? A fight to the death. Mano a mano, man to man. Just you and me and my *GUARDS*!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : Sire, I have news!

  Prince John : And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.

  Prince John : [shouts]  I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : [thinking]  The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.

  [hysterically] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades.

  [laughs] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : You know, he just beat the *crap* out of me and my men.

  [laughs] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard!

  [laughs] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : And...

  [laughs] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : ... he wants to see you hanged!

  [laughs] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : We, we're in a lot of trouble!

  [laughs and snorts loudly] 

  Prince John : [furious]  What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!

  Robin Hood , Maid Marian : What?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?

  Robin Hood : Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?

  [crowd gasps] 

  Prince John : Careful Robin, you go too far.

• [preparing to ravish Maid Marian] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : A chastity belt! That's going to chafe my willy!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : The old man is Loxley.

  Prince John : Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.

• Sheriff of Rottingham : Wasn't your... didn't your mole used to be on the other side?

  Prince John : I have a MOLE?

• Abbot : We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of...

  [crowd snickers] 

  Abbot : Mervin? Your name is Mervin?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : [over crowd laughing]  Shut up! Shut up!

  Abbot : OK... Mervin.

  [crowd starts laughing again] 

• [Robin crashes Prince John's party, and slams a wild pig on the table] 

  Prince John : Traif.

  Robin Hood : A present for you and your guest.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : That's a wild boar!

  Robin Hood : No, no. That's a wild pig.

  [Robin points at Prince John] 

  Robin Hood : That's a wild boar.

• Sheriff of Rottingham : Struckey has loxed again.

  Prince John : What?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Loxley has struck again.

• Sheriff of Rottingham : He "deered" to kill a King's dare.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : [realizing he said it wrong]  He dared to kill a King's deer.

• Sheriff of Rottingham : This is a stealth catapult, we've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything in its path.

  Prince John : Wow! How's it work?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : It's rather simple. You get one of these heavy boulders, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever.

  Prince John : Like this?

  [John pulls the lever and flings Mervin into the air] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

  Latrine : [praying by her bed in her boudoir]  Oh dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...

  [the Sheriff crashes through the roof and lands on the bed] 

  Latrine : [looks up and grins]  Thank you!

  [starts to climb on top of the Sheriff] 

  Latrine : Oh my god! Oh my god!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : [struggles]  No! No! I have a headache!

  [runs away] 

  Latrine : OH BUGGER!

  [breaks the fourth wall] 

  Latrine : I was *that* close! I touched it.

• Maid Marian : Wait!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : What for?

  Maid Marian : If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.

  Prince John : Oooohhh.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Oh? And what's that?

  Maid Marian : I shall marry you.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?

  Maid Marian : Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Oh, oh yes! I respect that.

• Sheriff of Rottingham : This was to be a "private" meeting... I mean, who are these men?

  Don Giovanni : These? These are my most trusted associates. On my right, Dirty Ezio. On my left, Filthy Luca.

  Filthy Luca : [Stands Up]  We thank you, for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding.

  Don Giovanni : No, no, no.

  Filthy Luca : I hope that her first child, is a masculine child.

  Don Giovanni : Shut up! We haven't even had our meeting yet!

  Filthy Luca : ...Oh yeah.

  [sits down] 

• Sheriff of Rottingham : Over that boy hand!

  [pauses, looking confused] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Hand over that boy!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : I was angry at you before Loxley, but now I'm really pissed off!

  Ahchoo : Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : You know, this wasn't a very smart thing to do, Loxley. I'll pay for this!

  [pause] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : YOU'LL pay for this!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : Don Giovanni, if I may say so, your lizard looks limp.

  Don Giovanni : [holding lizard]  Yeah, well, when you get to be my age... Oh! My lizard! Oh yeah!

• [Rottingham slices off Robin's necklace, sending his key flying. The key falls into the lock of Marian's chastity belt] 

  Robin Hood : It is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!

  Maid Marian : This means you've always been my one true love because it's just the right size!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : It's not the size that counts... It's how you use it!

• Prince John : Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Right! Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you! I've got it!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : [after Robin has fired his shot, hitting the bullseye dead center]  Don't worry, Dirty Ezio still has another shot.

  Prince John : But he hit the very center of the bullseye... schmuck!

• [Robin is being made to watch Marian's wedding from the gallows] 

  Abbot : Do you, Sheriff of Rottingham, take Marian of Bahgel to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : YES I DO! Get on with it!

  Abbot : And do you, Marian, vow to do all the stuff I just said?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : [to Marian]  Say I do, or Robin dies!

  Maid Marian : I... I do...

  [Ahchoo shoots through Robin's noose] 

  Maid Marian : NOT!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : Well, I must say that, uh, Prince John has spared no expense for tonight's party. We have exotic foods from across the seas. Coconuts, bananas, and dates. Would you care for a date?

  Maid Marian : Oh, yes, thank you.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : How about next Thursday?

• Sheriff of Rottingham : [bored by a mime's act]  Kill him!

  Prince John : No, wait. You know, a mime... is a terrible thing to waste.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Let him go.

• Sheriff of Rottingham : What do you intend to do about Robin Hood?

  Don Giovanni : Listen to this. I got an idea. Tomorrow... tomorrow you're gonna have your medieval fun and games. You'll make the most important event the archery contest. Robin will not be able to resist.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Why is that?

  Filthy Luca : We'll make him an offer he can't refuse.

  Don Giovanni : I was just gonna say that.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : That's brilliant!

  Don Giovanni : Thank you.

  Sheriff of Rottingham : But...

  Don Giovanni : What?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : You do realize that Robin is the finest archer in the land?

  Don Giovanni : Oh, no. Don't you understand? Luca is good, better, best. Show him your archery medals.

  [Luca stands up and opens his coat, revealing numerous medals adorning his vest] 

  Don Giovanni : Ta-da!

  Sheriff of Rottingham : Wowee!

  Don Giovanni : See? I couldn't have said it better myself.

• Latrine : Oh, my dear beloved Sheriff of Rottingham! You've been run through. How do you feel?

  Sheriff of Rottingham : I'm dying, you fool!

• Sheriff of Rottingham : [accidentally impaling himself on Robin's sword]  Oh, it's not so bad.

  [turning around, revealing it's gone all the way through] 

  Sheriff of Rottingham : I was wrong.

• Robin Hood : I lost! I lost? Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose! Let me see the script.

  [Pulls out his script and finds the archery scene] 

  Robin Hood : Wait! I get another shot?

  Maid Marian : Does Robin get another shot?

  Sheriff of Rottingham , Prince John : [Pulling out their copies of the script]  Yes, he does, he does.