American Pie (1999)

Thomas Ian Nicholas: Kevin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jim : Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

  Kevin : You want to take this one?

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Like warm apple pie.

  Jim : Yeah?

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Yeah.

  Jim : Apple pie, huh?

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Uh huh.

  Jim : McDonald's or homemade?

• Kevin : We must make a stand, here and now. No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be. This is our day. This is our time. And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy. Yes. We will make a stand. We will succeed. We will get laid!

• Finch : [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet]  Did not just take out that chair.

  Kevin : Yup, he took out the chair.

• Kevin : If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.

  Jim : Sherman? The Sherminator?

  [both laugh] 

• Kevin : Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.

  Jim : [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue]  Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it!

  Kevin : Guys...

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!

  Kevin : Guys! Come on, you're ruining my moment here. I mean, this is our very manhood at stake.

• Kevin : [watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet]  He's pullin' out the porn.

  Finch : He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

• Kevin : [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet]  Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?

  Steve Stifler : [vomiting]  Fuck you!

• Steve Stifler : Hey, Kev, seen Shitbrick lately?

  Kevin : Why? What did you do to him?

  Steve Stifler : Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.

  [shows a jar of laxatives] 

• [Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino] 

  Kevin : Finch, get to the bathroom, now!

  Finch : Easy tiger, what's in there?

  Kevin : Just go.

  Finch : And why is this?

  Kevin : Listen, you're going to shit your pants.

  Finch : [snorts]  That's charming.

  Finch : Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.

  Finch : Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!

  [Finch runs from the room] 

• [Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor] 

  Jim : Oh man...

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Shit dude, the 'L' word?

  Jim : And what did you say?

  Kevin : Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Good, then you're still safe.

  Jim : You think she was serious?

  Kevin : Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"

  Jim : Yeah, yeah.

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.

  Jim : Yeah.

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Yeah, no Sweat.

  Jim : I couldn't have said it better myself

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : [snorts]  You couldn't have said it at all Jim...

  Jim : Hey.

• [Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers] 

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : She's a college chick.

  Jim : Cassanova!

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Debbie.

  Steve Stifler : Bullshit - from where?

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : She works part-time at my dad's store.

  Steve Stifler : Yeah right, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Dude, come on, he does not.

  Kevin : Really, Stifler, he's the manager.

  Steve Stifler : Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!

  Kevin : Stifler, you're such an asshole!

  Steve Stifler : [chuckles]  Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sake and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!

  Finch : Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?

  Steve Stifler : I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

• [Kevin and Vicky are sitting in class] 

  Victoria 'Vicky' : [whispering]  Hey, Kevin.

  [mouthing] 

  Victoria 'Vicky' : I want to have sex.

  Kevin : [loudly]  Now?

  Victoria 'Vicky' : [whispering]  Prom.

• [Deleted scene. Kevin talk on the phone with Tom, who is driving] 

  Tom Myers : You called to ask me how to get laid?

  Kevin : Well, yeah, you know, it's not like I can really call my dad. I don't even have his number.

  Tom Myers : It's listed A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

  Kevin : Yeah, you said it... Anyway, I was calling to see if I could get some advice - brother-to-brother. I mean, I think that tonight, Vicky's... I mean, there's a definite chance that...

  Tom Myers : All right, all right - listen, have you ever heard of The Bible?

  Kevin : What? Not THE Bible?

  Tom Myers : That's not really its name but that's what we call it.

  Kevin : Does it tell me how to... to get laid?

  Tom Myers : You know what? Nevermind, you're not ready.

  Kevin : Wait, ready for what?

  Tom Myers : Woah, you're breaking up there. I gotta go, good luck at the party.

• [Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years] 

  Jim : Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Fun Loving: Insane.

  Kevin : Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.

  Jim : No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Yes, yes.

  [High-fives with Jim] 

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : [to Finch]  You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?

  Finch : It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.

  [Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard] 

  Finch : Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.

• [Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years] 

  Finch : Is that legal? Can you do that?

  Jim : I did it. Don't care.

  Kevin : Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.

  Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.

  Jim : Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?

  Kevin : [pauses]  Yeah.

• Jessica : What you need to do is learn how to press a girl's buttons. You have to give her what she's never had.

  Kevin : What's that?

  Jessica : Let me give you a hint. "Ohh, Kev!" "Uhh." "Yeah!" Comprende?

  Kevin : You mean an orgasm.

  Jessica : You got it, stud!

  Kevin : Well, you know, I'm-l'm pretty sure that I've - given her a...

  Jessica : No, you haven't.

  Kevin : Well, there was one time...

  Jessica : No!

• Steve Stifler : Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not gonna do anything about that?

  Jim : What am I going to do? Huh? Broadcast her over the internet?

  Steve Stifler : Yeah!

  Kevin : You can do that?

  Jim : No, I cannot do that to her.

  Steve Stifler : Jim, get some fucking balls! Man, if you don't have the guts to photograph a naked chick in your house how the hell are you gonna sleep with one?

  Finch : I don't like the kid, but he's got a point, Jim.

  Steve Stifler : See, even Shitbrick knows you should do it.

  Steve Stifler : Now, all you gotta do is set up some sort of private link or whatever on the net and tell me the address.

  Kevin : You can send me the address too. I'll save you a seat.

• Jim : Correct me if I'm wrong; but, you're the one with the girlfriend and you're still stranded on third base.

  Kevin : Hey, at least I know what third base feels like, okay. You're still just a bat boy.

• Jim : You have something going tonight, Sherman?

  Chuck Sherman : You see that Central chick, Bernette?

  Jim , Kevin : No.

  Chuck Sherman : She's around. It seems she's taken a liking to me. Fellas, it's time she experienced: the Shermanator.

• Kevin : Enough of this blow job bullshit. I gotta get laid already.

• Chuck Sherman : Fellas, say good-bye to Chuck Sherman, the boy. I - am now a man. I highly recommend you join the club. We were doin' the wild thing - all night. I'm exhausted.

  Kevin : I don't get it. I mean, how the hell did you do that ?

  Chuck Sherman : It was just my time. It was just my time. Best of luck to you boys.

• Jessica : Do you love her?

  Kevin : Um, you know what? You can't really ask me that.

  Jessica : Well, if you want to get her in the sack, I mean, just tell her you love her. That's how I was duped.

  Kevin : Look, Jessica, I don't want to dupe her.

• [Deleted scene. The boys are at the prom] 

  Finch : All right, all right - I'm here for your dumb meeting.

  Kevin : So, status check...

  Chuck Sherman : Boys, boys, boys. I'm on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload - again.