Dennis Waterman: Frank Moon

Quotes 

• DS Edgar Wield : Is there anything you want, food, drink?

  Frank Moon : Don't be stupid, its a pub.

• [Frank Moon comes into the pub and finds Stella talking to Dalziel] 

  Frank Moon : Oh! Who's this then, eh? *Another* one?

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : Hey, come on. There's no need for that.

  Frank Moon : I'm talking to my wife. It's got nothing to do with you.

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : Yes it is. She's also my friend.

  Frank Moon : Oh yeah? What sort of friend would that be, eh?

  Stella Moon : Andy was a pal of Terry's... and to me after he died.

  Frank Moon : Bed him, did you?

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : I tell you what, sunshine. If words were cricket balls, you'd bowl nowt but wides.

  Patrick Drury : Ha! Howzat?

• [Frank lines up Andy, Patrick and Kieron at gunpoint. He wants to know which one could be Freddie's father] 

  Frank Moon : All right, gentlemen. Now which one of you three has been having my wife? More to the point, which one of you was having her five years ago?

  Stella Moon : Frank, please!

  Frank Moon : [to Stella]  You said he's not mine. Whose is he?

  Frank Moon : [to Patrick]  What about you, Casanova? Such a big reputation, haven't you? How many times have you slept with Stella?

  Patrick Drury : Many, many times!

  Stella Moon : [outraged]  Patrick!

  Patrick Drury : In my dreams!

  Frank Moon : Don't get funny!

  Patrick Drury : Seriously. Frank. I tried every trick in the book. I chatted to her, charmed her, made her laugh. But I just couldn't get her into bed. She "wasn't having any of it", as you might say.

  [Frank knees him in the groin] 

  Frank Moon : That's for all the smarmy cracks I could never give you back.

  [in pain, Patrick struggles to his feet] 

  Patrick Drury : But she's still my friend, Frankie. And who's to say that isn't a better thing entirely? You know something, Frank. I've known hundreds of blokes like you. Big men, handy with their fists, full of themselves, especially when they got a gun in their hands. Do you know who you remind me of, Frank? You remind me of me old dad. I was afraid of *him*, too. But not any more. You're just like the rest of them - a coward and a bully and a very small man.

• [having eliminated Patrick and Kieron as potential fathers of Freddie, only Andy remains] 

  Frank Moon : [to Stella]  You know the worst thing. It's your brazen brass neck, standing there denying it all to me.

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : I did come her yesterday, Frank.

  Frank Moon : I wasn't talking to you, toe-rag!

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : But only to talk. OK, so I used your bathroom. I'm sorry - I didn't know you were so particular about your porcelain.

  Frank Moon : [to Stella]  Cor, you're some piece of work, you know that. So how long has it been going on, eh?

  Stella Moon : Years.

  Frank Moon : D'you mean before me?

  [she nods] 

  Frank Moon : When you were still married to Terry?

  Stella Moon : Yes.

  Frank Moon : [to Dalziel]  He was supposed to be your best friend.

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : Yes, he was.

  Frank Moon : You dirty old...

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : Very probably.

  Frank Moon : [to Stella]  How? Why?

  Stella Moon : Because I was lonely! Because I was miserable! Andy... he was there. He were good to me. He were a friend.

  Frank Moon : [ironically]  I bet he was. So then your beloved husband snuffs it. Why didn't you marry him instead of me?

  Stella Moon : I asked him. He wouldn't.

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : I told you, love, I'll never wed again.

  Frank Moon : Why's that?

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : It's none of your business.

  Stella Moon : His wife left him.

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : See, Frank? We *all* of us have our grief somewhere down the line.

  Frank Moon : Why me?

  Stella Moon : I fell in love with you, Frank, but you never loved me. Not really. All we had was anger and jealousy and a little lad growing up in the middle of it. Yesterday, when things got really bad, I called Andy. I wanted a shoulder to cry on, not a man to sleep with. And that's the truth. I never betrayed you with him, Frank.

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : Sad but true.

  Frank Moon : No! The damage had already been done, hadn't it, five years earlier. Come on, Andy. Tell us... Tell us what she was like.

  Det. Supt. Dalziel : Oh, Frank. You really want to know? She was the best. The bloody best.