Can't Smeg Won't Smeg (1998 TV Movie)
Ainsley Harriott: Self
Quotes
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[Kochanski is reluctantly preparing to taste the food]
Ainsley Harriott : Want the blindfold on?
Kochanski : I think I'd rather eat the blindfold.
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Ainsley Harriott : [rushing to a burning pan] The bloody rice is burning!
Lister : Well that's not very professional, is it?
Ainsley Harriott : [angry] SHUT UP!
Lister : Keith Floyd was only fifty quid more, y'know!
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Ainsley Harriott : Just looks absolutely yummy... What am I doing with this pot? This is nothing like mine.
[to Rimmer and Duane]
Ainsley Harriott : [shouts] You nicked my pot!
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Kryten : This is Mr. Harriot, sir.
Lister : I bet you got ribbed about that at school?
Ainsley Harriott : Ribbed about what?
Lister : You know having the initials AH. It's funny isn't it, AH?
Ainsley Harriott : What are you going on about?
Kryten : I think what Mr. Lister is getting at is that the initals AH are internationally known as the abbreviation for "Asshole". Ass Hole, AH, Asshole.
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Ainsley Harriott : Well, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the fifth member of the crew, who has kindly volunteered to be our taste tester...
Kryten : Well, actually sir, she didn't so much volunteer, more like lose the Ippy-Dippy.
Ainsley Harriott : Welcome, Miss Kristine Kochanski!
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Ainsley Harriott : Our next contestant can't cook, but not because he's incapable; it's because he is a total smeghead. Welcome, Arnold Judas Rimmer.
Rimmer : Ah, Mr. Harriott. May I start by saying what a great pleasure it is to have me here.
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Ainsley Harriott : I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Okay, boys, let's see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight.
Rimmer : Well, we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil.
Lister : We got some wine made from urine recyc.
Rimmer : Ah! The '52, an excellent year, very smooth. No aftertaste or hair loss.
Lister : But I don't suppose that'd bother you, would it?
[Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald]
Kryten : Also we have a Mimian bladder fish, sir.
Duane Dibbley : I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut!
Lister : We've got an insole...
Kryten : Er... a Pot Noodle.
Lister : Caroline Carmen's ear.
Ainsley Harriott : That is totally unhygienic!
Lister : No, no, it's been kept in the fridge!
Ainsley Harriott : [Ainsley loses his temper] Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever-it-is, Mimian trout and yeah, your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking!