America's Sweethearts (2001)

Julia Roberts: Kiki Harrison

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Quotes 

• Kiki : [imitating Gwen]  "Oh, Kiki, my butter has touched another food. I need new butter." "Anything you want, honey." That's the way it goes, Lee. Right? You're a publicist, you know. Anything they want, right? She's got a green dress. Looks like crap on her. Brings out the circles under her eyes, she knows it, I know it. She gave it to me. It actually looks pretty nice on me. Then she said, well, maybe she wanted it back, you know? She doesn't want it, she just doesn't want me to have it. That's the truth.

• Kiki : [imitating Gwen]  Kiki? Kiki-kins? Who's smoking? I smell smoke. Is someone smoking within a six mile radius of where I'm standing? Stop them, Kiki, stop them!

• Kiki : You know what this is? This is high school all over again. Nothing has changed. You wanted to break up with one of your boyfriends in high school, did you do it? No! You made me do it.

  Gwen : I did not!

  Kiki : Oh, please! Let's just refresh your memory. Robert Mancuta?

  Gwen : Eww!

  Kiki : Kyle Hassler?

  Gwen : Oh, God...

  Kiki : Toby Franks? Half the lacrosse team? Ring a bell? Huh? By the end of the year, I was the most hated girl in school.

  Gwen : That's not true.

  Kiki : My quote in the yearbook was, "Hey, we have to talk." I was despised.

• Lee : You look fabulous!

  Kiki : Thank you.

  Lee : Look at you! What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it?

  Kiki : It's my hair, and, uh... I had a little sun...

  Gwen : [bored]  She lost sixty pounds.

  [pause] 

  Kiki : And... And... And I lost a little weight.

  Lee : I see that. Yeah. You look terrific!

  Kiki : Thank you.

  Lee : Sixty pounds?

  Kiki : Yeah.

  Lee : That's a Backstreet Boy!

• Gwen : Kiki? What was that movie called?

  Kiki : I don't give a shit!

  Eddie : No, that wasn't it.

• Eddie : Kiki! Hold on, hold on, I want to talk. Come on...

  Kiki : Let go of me!

  Eddie : Just... I want to talk to you!

  Kiki : I don't want to talk to you!

  Eddie : Why not?

  Kiki : Because you're an idiot!

  Eddie : Well?

  Kiki : You know what? For that matter, I'm an idiot, too. In that respect, we're actually quite perfect for each other.

  Eddie : This is a very complicated situation...

  Kiki : Well, let me uncomplicate it for you, huh? Forget about what happened between us, Eddie. It's not going to work, all right? I mean, last night... last night was great. But then she calls you this morning, and you just cannot wait to get out the door to get to her! What is that? It's just not going to work, 'cause you will probably always be thinking about her, and I will probably always be wondering if you were thinking about her. I just... I just need you to know one thing.

  Eddie : What?

  Kiki : That woman that you saw by the pool the other night...

  Eddie : Forget about that.

  Kiki : No, that woman that you just have to spend the rest of your life with...

  [beat] 

  Kiki : That was me.

• Kiki : [Eddie has just told Gwen he's "not technically" seeing anyone]  Well, that's fascinating. "Not technically"... hmm. That's, uh, that's sad, really. That's, uh... that's a shame.

  [Kiki slams her frying pan on the table in front of Gwen] 

  Kiki : Here are your eggs, my darling sister, I hope that's runny enough for you. And you, you son of a bitch!

  [Kiki dumps the eggs in Eddie's lap] 

  Kiki : Here are your eggs! There you go!

  Gwen : What the hell is wrong with you, Kiki?

  Kiki : A lot, actually, and you know, I cannot believe that it's taken me this long to figure it out! And... and... and I'm going to go for a long walk now, just to simmer down. But before I do, I would just like to cut through the bullshit. You see, sister, the reason why he's not *technically* seeing anyone is because he's still *technically* hung up on you.

  [turns to Eddie] 

  Kiki : And you, you... moron! The only reason she's here, besides trying to salvage her precious career, is to serve you with divorce papers. There, I've said it! I've done all I can do here. I'm going for a walk because that's, you know... leaving is just something that I've really perfected over the years. And so, once more, with feeling!

  [Kiki storms out] 

  Gwen : She was so much more fun when she was fat.

• Lee : Gwen, your dog just swallowed your window washer.

  Gwen : [laughs]  Puppy!

  Lee : Puppy? It's a raptor.

  Kiki : Time for Prozac. Excuse me.

  Lee : [whispering]  She's on Prozac?

  Kiki : [whispering]  If only. The dog.

• Kiki : What are they, out of butter? How can you run out of butter.

  Lee : Well, I have one theory...

  Kiki : You know what? I need an assistant, because if I had an assistant, she would be outside right now MILKING A COW and I would never, EVER, run out of butter!

• Eddie : I am grateful for you. In all the world, thing I am most grateful for is you.

  Kiki : If that's a line from one of your movies...

  Eddie : No, that one's mine.

• Gwen : Are you seeing anybody?

  [pause] 

  Gwen : Are you seeing anybody?

  Eddie : Let me think about how I answer that? Um, not... you know...

  [whispers] 

  Eddie : ... Not technically, no.

  Kiki : [eavesdropping]  What?

  Gwen : He said "not technically".

• Lee : So what is it? You're in love with Eddie?

  Kiki : [long pause]  Wouldn't that be stupid?

  Lee : Kiki, I've done every one of their movies. I've never seen him look at her the way he's been looking at you. And if you're in love, you should just go for it... the way you went for this breakfast.

• Gwen : I smell smoke. Is somebody smoking?

  Kiki : I don't know.

  Gwen : It's probably Larry. How many heart attacks has he had?

• Kiki : Nobody hates you.

  Gwen : Oh yes, they do. I was in a store the other day, you know that great store on Melrose? And there was a baby in a stroller and he was looking up at me and he was judging me. The whole world is judging me for what I did to Eddie.

• Kiki : [after Hector hits Eddie in the face with a tray]  Eddie, Eddie, are you okay?

  Eddie : I can feel my nose in the back of my throat, is that bad?

• Kiki : You really need to go to this junket.

  Gwen : [shakes her head]  No.

  Kiki : Why not?

  Gwen : I'm afraid.

  Kiki : Of...?

  Gwen : That I'll see Eddie and he'll be this destroyed, pathetic mess and I'll feel guilty. And I'm tired of feeling guilty, Kiki, I really am.

  Kiki : I know.

  Gwen : I'm always thinking about other people.

  Kiki : I know you are.

  Gwen : It's awful when you're the only person who cares about other people's feelings. If they see Eddie and he's down and depressed, they're going to pity him and blame me.

  Kiki : So, what you're really worried about is you.

  Gwen : Of course.

• Eddie : [at dinner]  What are you thinking right now?

  Kiki : I am thinking about something that I shouldn't be thinking about.

  Eddie : Me too. What were you thinking about?

  Kiki : I was thinking about eating that breadstick.

• Kiki : [after Eddie kisses her]  What was that?

  Eddie : Another stupid thing.

• Kiki : You know the expression, "falling off the wagon", Lee? This is what it looks like.

  Lee : Yeah, but you got twenty or thirty pounds of food to break your fall. What the hell happened?

  Kiki : Bad morning. Preceded by thirty three bad years.

  Lee : Does this have something to do with Gwen?

• Eddie : That's a nice necklace.

  Kiki : It's not really mine.

  Eddie : I know.

  Kiki : It's Gwen's.

  Eddie : I know.

  Kiki : She gave it to me.

  Eddie : And I gave it to her.

  Kiki : I know.

• Gwen : [caught on Hal's hidden camera]  I slept with him.

  Kiki : [gasps]  Hector?

  Gwen : Yeah.

  Kiki : Are you in love with him?

  Gwen : [scoffs]  Come on! It's not always about love. Sometimes you just need to get laid. I tell you, he's hot. Handsome. He can go for hours. I just wish he had a bigger, you know... thingy.

  [audience laughs; Gwen and Hector look mortified] 

  Kiki : What do you mean?

  Gwen : It's like a roll of quarters.

  [holds out her lipstick] 

  Gwen : It's like this. Well...

  [twists lipstick down] 

  Gwen : ... maybe like this.

• Lee : So, do you want to arrive first or second?

  Eddie : Second.

  Lee : Be right back.

  [goes to Gwen's limo] 

  Lee : He wants to go second.

  Kiki : Let him go second.

  Gwen : He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.

  Kiki : She wants to go second.

  Lee : Second it is.

  [goes back to Eddie's limo] 

  Lee : She wants to go second.

  Eddie : Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.

  Lee : Thank you.

  Kiki : [back at Gwen's limo]  Great! Second. We're all set.

  Gwen : Who cares?

  Kiki : She doesn't care.

  Gwen : Yes, I do! I'm going first!

  Eddie : [back at Eddie's limo]  I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?

  Lee : I'm just trying to facilitate the...

  Eddie : I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?

  Lee : You're going second.

  Eddie : [rolling up the window]  I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

  Lee : You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.

  Eddie : [rolls down the window]  I don't care.

  Lee : Okay. Thank you.

  [Eddie rolls up the window] 

  Lee : Well, that was easy.

  Limo Driver : I don't know why we have to go second.

  Eddie : JUST DRIVE THE CAR!

• Kiki : Look... I'm tired of making excuses. I'm done picking up dirty clothes. I'm done pretending that your life is my whole life. I'm just... I'm done.

  Gwen : So what you're really worried about is you.

  Kiki : [thinks for a second]  Yes.

  Gwen : Well, I... guess you're fired.

  [Gwen darts a glance at the audience, then throws her arms around Kiki] 

  Gwen : Honey! You know all I care about is your happiness. You know that, right?

  Kiki : Wow. Thank you, Gwen, that's very...

  Gwen : [pulls away from Kiki and grabs the microphone]  So don't worry about me, everybody. I'll be fine!

  [audience applauds] 

  Eddie : You're unbelievable.

  Gwen : Shut up!

• Kiki : Are you okay now?

  Eddie : If you would have asked me a couple of hours ago, I would have said no. But something happened tonight that was really incredible. I was out walking by the cottages, and it was like Gwen was drawing me to her. And I just look over this wall, and there she was. She was standing by the pool, all dressed in white, like an angel in the desert. I thought to myself: "That's why you're here. You're supposed to win her back." No way she's gonna stay with Hector. I mean, there's no way. That's the woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

  Kiki : [slowly]  Really? The... The... The woman by the pool?

  Eddie : Gwen.

• Kiki : I bet you've never read a book in your life.

  Gwen : Ha! I read *all four* of the Harry Potter books!

• Lee : Will you please go talk to your sister? You're the only one she'll pretend to listen to.

  Kiki : [sighs]  Where is she?

  Lee : Grazing.

• Gwen : Is that your foot?

  Kiki : Sorry.

  Gwen : Pedicure! Hello?

• Kiki : [on the phone]  Lee, you know, I love you. You know, I'd do anything for you. You're just asking an awful lot... Well, a press junket with Eddie isn't high on Gwen's list of priorities... Oh, no lillies. Take them out... Yes. I understand... Yes, excuse me, hold on...

  [to a man smoking] 

  Kiki : Could you please put that out? Please, please, please. Could you please put that out. Please, please.

• Lee : [Gwen's dog licks his crotch]  Hey! Come on, these are new pants. Good dog. Hey, get the paper? Come on. Come on. Please. Come on.

  [sees Kiki] 

  Lee : Help.

  Kiki : Don't let me interrupt.

• Kiki : Good morning. How do you feel?

  Eddie : I feel good. I mean... I feel weird, but I feel good. You?

  Kiki : Yeah, I feel something along those lines. Good, weird. Weird, good.

• Gwen : I hate Larry King! Why did I do his stupid show?

  Kiki : Just breathe.

  Gwen : I don't want to breathe! "Your last two movies crashed and burned"... I wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders. Everyone hates me.

  Kiki : That's not true. The lighting was great. Everyone said you looked great.

  Gwen : Who?

  Larry King Producer : [passes by]  You looked great.

  Kiki : See?

  Gwen : [to the producer]  Thanks!

  [to Kiki] 

  Gwen : As if she really knows.