America's Sweethearts (2001)

Billy Crystal: Lee Phillips

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Quotes 

• Danny : You like Eddie, don't you?

  Lee : I love him.

  Danny : But you leaked the tape.

  Lee : Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anybody. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie."

• Eddie : She gets a cottage and I get the shitty little suite?

  Lee : She has an entourage.

  Eddie : What about me?

  Lee : You have an entourage?

  Eddie : I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I *am* my own entourage!

• Lee : [on the phone]  Hello, darling, can I have Holly Golightly's cottage, please?

  Danny : Who's that?

  Lee : It's Gwen's code name. It's from "Breakfast at Tiffany's".

  Danny : Oh. What's that?

  Lee : It's a movie, it's a great movie. Hepburn?

  Danny : Right. Katharine.

  [pause] 

  Lee : Let me tell you something. Don't tell anybody you're in the movie business. Okay? Thank you.

• Lee : You look fabulous!

  Kiki : Thank you.

  Lee : Look at you! What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it?

  Kiki : It's my hair, and, uh... I had a little sun...

  Gwen : [bored]  She lost sixty pounds.

  [pause] 

  Kiki : And... And... And I lost a little weight.

  Lee : I see that. Yeah. You look terrific!

  Kiki : Thank you.

  Lee : Sixty pounds?

  Kiki : Yeah.

  Lee : That's a Backstreet Boy!

• Lee : They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project".

• Lee : Eddie, the next time you try to kill yourself, just take a hairdryer into the bathtub.

• Leaf Weidmann : Can I defend my father's work?

  Gwen : No, you cannot. Who's her father?

  Lee : Hal.

  Gwen : No, you cannot!

  Leaf Weidmann : Well, at least let me defend Hector. I only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.

  [crowd gasps] 

  Gwen : [to Hector]  You slept with her?

  Hector : No! I did not...

  Gwen : You slept with her!

  Hector : No! No, she is lying!

  [grabs the microphone] 

  Hector : Except for the part about my penis. That's true. It's bigger than coins.

• Hector : [Eddie is standing on the roof]  Is that Pussy Boy?

  Gwen : Oh, my God! He's gonna jump!

  Lee : He's not gonna jump.

  Gwen : I said I was going to give him the divorce papers.

  Lee : Shit, he's gonna jump!

• Lee : Okay, Siegfried and Roy just left the building. They're heading for the pool deck.

  Danny : Siegfried and Roy are here?

  Lee : No, not the real Siegfri... It's a code. *You* wanted to play this game, you little schmuck.

• Lee : Gwen, your dog just swallowed your window washer.

  Gwen : [laughs]  Puppy!

  Lee : Puppy? It's a raptor.

  Kiki : Time for Prozac. Excuse me.

  Lee : [whispering]  She's on Prozac?

  Kiki : [whispering]  If only. The dog.

• Hector : What? I'm not invited to the "hunket?"

  Lee : I'm thorry, it wath the thudio'th dethithion.

• Kiki : What are they, out of butter? How can you run out of butter.

  Lee : Well, I have one theory...

  Kiki : You know what? I need an assistant, because if I had an assistant, she would be outside right now MILKING A COW and I would never, EVER, run out of butter!

• Lee : Eddie is not demented. It was a one-time incident. This is a forgive-and-forget kind of thing.

  Gwen : He tried to kill me, Lee. Am I the only person who remembers that? Attempted murder doesn't get people's attention anymore?

• Lee : Ladies and gentlemen, here they are... Eddie and Gwen, together again! America's Sweethearts.

• Eddie : I blew it. I lost her.

  Lee : Guy goes to his rabbi. He says, "I think my wife's trying to poison me." Rabbi says, "Let me talk to her." Comes back a little later and says, "Listen, I spoke to your wife for three hours. Take the poison." You get it? You and Gwen are over.

  Eddie : I don't care about Gwen! I'm talking about Kiki.

• Lee : [on the phone]  Hello? Hey, Gwen, it's Lee. Listen, I'm at the restaurant, and guess what? You're not! Are you okay?... Oh, that's too bad... No, no, Eddie's fine. He's with Kiki, and she looks unbelievable. It may be a little "hello, young lovers" for me, and I may have some fires to put out later, but hey, that's my problem, isn't it?... Have a nice night. Feel better. Okay. Bye.

  [hangs up] 

  Lee : Five minutes.

  Danny : You're amazing.

  Lee : Take notes, kid.

• Lee : So what is it? You're in love with Eddie?

  Kiki : [long pause]  Wouldn't that be stupid?

  Lee : Kiki, I've done every one of their movies. I've never seen him look at her the way he's been looking at you. And if you're in love, you should just go for it... the way you went for this breakfast.

• Lee : He's going to get through this thing okay, right?

  Wellness Guide : [hesitates]  Life is a cookie.

  Lee : I'm going to take that as a yes.

• Dave : Remember the crazy guy in the woods?

  Davis : Ted Kaczynski.

  Dave : Who, the guy at Fox?

  Lee : The Unabomber.

  Dave : Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?

  Lee : So?

  Dave : Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.

• Lee : [to Gwen's dog]  Can I explain why I didn't call?

• Dave : [watching Eddie and Hector fight]  Ooh! This is good! Hit him! Hit him!

  Lee : Who?

  Dave : Anybody!

• Lee : Did you cut this yourself?

  Danny : Well, no, Chad in Marketing...

  Lee : Whoa, whoa, whoa. Always take credit. That is survival rule number one.

  Danny : Okay, yes, I did it on my Mac.

  Lee : Rule number two: Don't take credit until someone actually says they like what you did. It's not bad.

• Lee : Tell me what you want, I'll tell you what I want.

  Kingman : Okay, I want only one thing. If people think that Eddie and Gwen are going to get back together again, they will go see this movie. I need you to make that happen.

  Lee : [scoffs]  Oh, that'll be easy.

  Kingman : Well, look, just make it look like maybe it *could* happen...

  Lee : Dave, she has a restraining order against him, and he flipped out, he's nuts! He's living in some nut hut up in the mountains or something.

  Kingman : So what? I don't care! I need Eddie and Gwen back together again, smiling and happy! We can sell the shit out of that, Lee.

  Lee : What about the Spaniard?

  Kingman : Unless I get a script called "I Shtupped Castro", I don't know what to do with him. So what do you want?

  Lee : [points]  I want the golf cart.

  Kingman : No, that was a gift from Arnold, so...

  Lee : I'm kidding.

  Kingman : Oh... okay.

  Lee : I can have anything?

  Kingman : Yeah, any... within reason, yeah.

  Lee : I want my job back.

  Kingman : Lee, don't do this to me...

  Lee : [picks up his stuff, turns to walk away]  Listen, have a nice junket. Drop me a line, let me know how it went.

  Kingman : All right, Lee. Yes. If you get Eddie and Gwen back together again, you can have your job back.

• Kiki : You know the expression, "falling off the wagon", Lee? This is what it looks like.

  Lee : Yeah, but you got twenty or thirty pounds of food to break your fall. What the hell happened?

  Kiki : Bad morning. Preceded by thirty three bad years.

  Lee : Does this have something to do with Gwen?

• Lee : It's him. On the phone.

  Kingman : Who?

  Lee : Hal.

  Kingman : I'll kill him! That sick son-of-a-bitch bastard! Put him on the speaker!

  [Lee turns on the speaker] 

  Kingman : [sweetly]  Hi, Hal! How are you, darling? You're in my thoughts. I want to send you a basket.

• Lee : So, do you want to arrive first or second?

  Eddie : Second.

  Lee : Be right back.

  [goes to Gwen's limo] 

  Lee : He wants to go second.

  Kiki : Let him go second.

  Gwen : He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.

  Kiki : She wants to go second.

  Lee : Second it is.

  [goes back to Eddie's limo] 

  Lee : She wants to go second.

  Eddie : Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.

  Lee : Thank you.

  Kiki : [back at Gwen's limo]  Great! Second. We're all set.

  Gwen : Who cares?

  Kiki : She doesn't care.

  Gwen : Yes, I do! I'm going first!

  Eddie : [back at Eddie's limo]  I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?

  Lee : I'm just trying to facilitate the...

  Eddie : I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?

  Lee : You're going second.

  Eddie : [rolling up the window]  I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

  Lee : You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.

  Eddie : [rolls down the window]  I don't care.

  Lee : Okay. Thank you.

  [Eddie rolls up the window] 

  Lee : Well, that was easy.

  Limo Driver : I don't know why we have to go second.

  Eddie : JUST DRIVE THE CAR!

• Dave : Hal here yet?

  Lee : No.

  Dave : [beat]  He's a dead man. No, I'm serious. I know a guy, I'll make a call, and... he's dead.

• Hector : Who is this?

  Lee : Hi, Hector, I'm Lee Phillips, press agent for "Time Over Time." Just in case you thought I was some guy coming to sweep her off her feet.

  Hector : No, no. You're too old.

  Gwen : Oh! Hector, honey, be good. I'm sorry, Lee, he's Spanish.

  Lee : No problem. I was Spanish once myself.

• Kingman : All right, look... if you won't do it for me, do it for my father, okay? You guys worked together a long time. You had a real bond.

  Lee : Your father was a psychotic.

  Kingman : You spoke at his funeral.

  Lee : I loved him. You I can't stand.

• Dave : Well, Lee, I have to say, you have completely outdone yourself. In twenty-four hours, you've given us a walk in the woods, a romantic dinner, and a fist fight. I can't wait to see what happens next!

  Lee : [pointedly]  Maybe I can get him to commit suicide. Would you like that?

  Dave : I don't know. Let me think about it.

  Lee : Oh, yeah. I mean, it won't help the initial release, but it'll rent like crazy when it goes to video. We can do a box like a coffin, maybe wrap it in a little black ribbon.

  Dave : Ooh, yeah. No, that's good. No, no, wait... imagine if he killed himself at the premiere.

  [pause] 

  Dave : I'm joking... I mean, I'm... thinking out loud, or whatever you call it.

• Gwen : [about Eddie]  He was outside my cottage doing something... not good!

  Lee : Gwen, everybody does it.

  Gwen : I know everyone does it! That's not the point!

• Lee : Will you please go talk to your sister? You're the only one she'll pretend to listen to.

  Kiki : [sighs]  Where is she?

  Lee : Grazing.

• Eddie : Lee, I can't do this! I told you this was a mistake. She's very close to here, now, isn't she? She's in the next room, I can feel her.

  Lee : No. She's in the cottage at the back of the property.

  Eddie : [pause]  I sensed that. She's close, man, she's real close.

  Lee : No, she's not. The cottages are way back on the property. Way back.

• Lee : Why am I here? I'm just confused. I mean, after all, you did fire me last week, so why am I here?

  Dave : I brought you here to see the new Hal Weidmann film.

• Danny : How will you get Eddy and Gwen there?

  Lee : Don't worry. I know somebody.

• Lee : [to Eddie]  Come on, you've gotta confront her. Get it over with. She fell in love with another guy, alright? It happens.

• Lee : [Gwen's dog licks his crotch]  Hey! Come on, these are new pants. Good dog. Hey, get the paper? Come on. Come on. Please. Come on.

  [sees Kiki] 

  Lee : Help.

  Kiki : Don't let me interrupt.

• Lee : Now, we have to keep the press entertained and on the go. The best junkets are the ones where the press thinks it's a weekend not about the movie, but about them. So we have to program the shit out of them: cocktail parties, hayrides, circle jerks. Whatever you have to do to keep them from remembering they haven't seen the movie they're there to review. What are we doing for gifts?

  Danny : Oh, uh, the movie's about a cop traveling through time, so l did a gun.

  Lee : You're giving members of the press a gun?

  Danny : Well, no, it's not real...

  Lee : [rolls his eyes]  We'll do a bag, a really nice bag. Call Sol, the bag man. Diamond earrings for the ladies, money clips for the men. Move it, Gail! Chocolate truffles, the best perfume.

• Lee : [to Gwen's Dobberman]  Nazi bastard!