The Cat in the Hat (2003)

Mike Myers: The Cat

Photos 

31 more photos

Quotes 

• Sally : [jumping on the couch]  Like being in the circus!

  The Cat : Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.

• The Cat : [English accent]  I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.

• The Cat : [showing his car]  Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.

  Sally : S-L-O-W?

  The Cat : Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

  Conrad : Oh, you mean...

  The Cat : No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!

• The Fish : Someone else should drive!

  The Cat : Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.

  [gives Conrad the wheel] 

  Conrad : Are you serious?

  The Cat : I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.

  Conrad : This is awesome!

  Sally : I want to drive.

  The Cat : I think that's a great idea.

  [gives Sally another wheel] 

  Conrad : Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.

  The Cat : You're right. We should all drive.

  [gets his own wheel] 

• [to a hoe] 

  The Cat : Dirty Hoe... I'm sorry, baby. I love you.

• The Cat : You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. I'd do it for nothing.

• [after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver] 

  The Cat : Son of a bi- *beep*!

• Thing Two : Don't belittle me.

  The Cat : Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.

  Thing Two : And all of the above.

  The Cat : He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.

  Thing Two : Ben.

  [Thing 1 jabbers incoherently] 

  The Cat : Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.

• Sally : Stop! That's...

  Sally , Conrad : Mom's dress!

  The Cat : This filthy thing?

  Sally : She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.

  The Cat : Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.

  [snaps, snaps] 

  The Cat : Mmm-mmm-hmm yeah.

  [snaps, snaps] 

  The Cat : Mmm-hmm.

• The Cat : [as the cook]  Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.

  The Cat : [as a cooking show host]  Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!

  The Cat : [as the cook]  You're not just wrong, you're stupid.

  The Cat : [as a cooking show host]  Now, wait just a minute...

  The Cat : [as the cook]  And you're ugly, just like your mum.

• [the Cat is looking at a photo] 

  The Cat : Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?

  Conrad : That's my mom.

  [pause] 

  The Cat : Awkward.

• Sally : Where did you come from?

  The Cat : Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...

  Conrad : Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?

  The Cat : My place, what do you think?

• The Cat : Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.

• The Cat : Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.

• The Fish : Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules!

  [the phone rings, and The Cat answers it] 

  The Cat : City Morgue!

  The Fish : [losing it]  Eighteen!

• Conrad : So, what do we do?

  The Cat : Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me me me me-ow!

  Sally : How many shots?

• Sally : Who are you?

  The Cat : Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"..."key lime"..."turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!

• The Cat : [closing the crate after Conrad opened it]  Listen, Convex... you probably don't wanna do that.

  Conrad : Why not? It's just a crate.

  The Cat : This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.

  Conrad : But it says "Made in the Philippines".

  The Cat : Yes, but not *this* Philippines.

• The Cat : Uh, I'm uncomfortable with the "d" word. I just think it's wrong.

  [starts singing] 

  The Cat : How much is that canine American in the window.

• The Cat : [sinister voice]  There is a third option!

  [Vaudeville keyboard music] 

  Sally : There is?

  The Cat : Yes. It involves... murder!

  [More vaudeville keyboard music] 

  Conrad : That's your option?

  The Cat : [normal voice]  No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.

  The Cat : [back to sinister]  Or did I?

  [More vaudeville keyboard music] 

  Sally : Cat, you're not helping!

• The Cat : Scream and run.

• The Cat : C'mon kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!

• [repeated line] 

  The Cat : Oh yeah!

• The Cat : If this were my house, I'd be furious.

• The Fish : Stop this right now!

  Conrad : Who said that?

  The Fish : Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!

  Sally : The fish is talking.

  The Cat : Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.

• Sally : You need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.

  The Cat : Alright, I'll try.

  Sally : [grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie]  You don't try, you do!

• The Cat : Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change.

• Lawrence Quinn : Why am I sneezing?

  The Cat : [tapping on Quinn's shoulder]  That'd be me. BOO!

• [last lines] 

  Narrator : Well, what would you do if your mother asked you? The family was whole, all thanks to the Cat, who was dashing and charming, no doubt about that. He was witty and cultured... and, well, very endearing... and tremendously attractive, but in a sort of real way. You know, kind of an approachable way that I think you don't see these days...

  The Cat : [the narrator is revealed to be the Cat using a voice-changer]  Oh! Hello! I was just, uh... I really should be going. How'd they get so smart?

  [Joan spends quality time with her children, jumping on the living room couch, while the Cat along with Things 1 and 2 walk off into the sunset] 

  The Cat : Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How about Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated.

• The Cat : Okay, here we go. GPS, check. DVD, CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a... Czech.

  [chortling] 

• The Cat : Suzy... Cromwell... Please...